I got through it
I made it through the day. It has not been as easy as one might think. A large sum of emotions fueled by anger at myself. I will often say "I feel lost" to which we know the answer is, "I'm right here." Today, I didn't feel lost, I was lost. I think I still am.
I'm "in a place" emotionally that is not familiar to me. I have been all day. I can't seem to describe it other than if I have been here before, I don't remember. It's hard to get help when you don't know where to send it. Whatever is happening, it is different that the habitual norm of my emotional downfalls.
I have struggled today to keep things at some even level - no matter where that level would have been. Was not so much as highs and lows as lows and lowers. I have not been ok today. I am not sure I am yet. I don't like not being ok. There is a level of not being in control when you are not ok.
I've gone through the day with a deep seeded feeling of sadness in me. I've wanted to continually hurt myself throughout the day. For the most part, I did ok with that. I did backhand the door frame pretty hard...yet only once.
Lora talked me into (ok, she told me bluntly) dropping my grounding and go fish. She said that it seemed like fishing was my escape and at that moment I really needed it, so get my ass out there. I did, yet there were so many people. With everything else, I am really hyper-sensitive today so being around people was not making things better. I may have been ok with it had the family that was fishing next to me not been yelling at their kids continually. I did manage to go try and hunt down a different place before I lost it and told them to just shut up. Oh, any by the way annoying family, there is an unwritten rule when fishing, you respect others area. Keep your lines in your area.
In the end I just left and returned this evening. Had bites but didn't catch anything. There was a grandfather and his grandson fishing near me and we had fun. He had found a bluegill nest and was catching them one right after the other. I tried yet they just ate my bait and ran. I think I need different hooks. As well, I like my red pole the best. I have not caught a darn thing with the blue one. Want to think I will go back out tomorrow evening, yet I have got to get a few things done around here. Yes, fishing is my escape.
I'm so tired and exhausted. My thoughts just mingle and mix together making it very difficult to figure out just what I am feeling. I guess I am safe. I am not going to be hitting anything tonight, that is for sure. I probably should not be alone, and yet there are not a whole lot of options - everyone is working tonight. Soon I will get to bed. I don't think that there will be any issues of not falling asleep.
Tami made a comment the other day that ran through my head a lot today. It was the idea that I was waiting for someone to save me and I didn't even know what that looked or felt like because, unfortunately i had never experienced it and I should have. Maybe that is part of my problem. I am looking for things that I don't know what they look like. Let's face it, I don't have a whole lot of correct information in the nurturing column. I guess that is why I keep looking for someone to yell at me. No, it is not going to make me feel better and yet it is familiar. I can connect with that. Although it would do more damage than good, I can comprehend it.
Maybe that is why I am so quick to be negative and destructive to myself - it is familiar, it is something I know how to do. I know what it looks like. It really sucks that my "norm" contains so many more negative and unhealthy things than positive and healthy. Maybe I should change careers and become the torture person for the mob. All I would have to do is treat the person like I treat myself.
I find myself thinking, "make the hurt stop, please just make it stop" and I am not referring to my hand. The negative thoughts, the sadness, the darkness, the feeling of inadequacy and failure. That is what I want to stop. The overwhelming presence of them. I don't want to be this negative and hurting person and yet, it is who I am.
Tomorrow is another chance to get through it all. I broke the 24 hour no contact rule today so I will do my best to stay quiet tomorrow. I hate and like that rule. I hate it because, well, it is no contact with my main resource for help. As well, it is a wonderful punishment tool that I can tell myself, "see, you screwed up again." Yes, I do understand the actual purpose of it, and still, that punishing, negative piece of me thrives on it.
Hopefully I wake up tomorrow in a better place in my mind. It will be a busy day, so plenty of things to keep me distracted. Today has been tough and I got through it. I sure didn't want to and I managed to.
Still scared, still sad, and still not really ok.
I'm "in a place" emotionally that is not familiar to me. I have been all day. I can't seem to describe it other than if I have been here before, I don't remember. It's hard to get help when you don't know where to send it. Whatever is happening, it is different that the habitual norm of my emotional downfalls.
I have struggled today to keep things at some even level - no matter where that level would have been. Was not so much as highs and lows as lows and lowers. I have not been ok today. I am not sure I am yet. I don't like not being ok. There is a level of not being in control when you are not ok.
I've gone through the day with a deep seeded feeling of sadness in me. I've wanted to continually hurt myself throughout the day. For the most part, I did ok with that. I did backhand the door frame pretty hard...yet only once.
Lora talked me into (ok, she told me bluntly) dropping my grounding and go fish. She said that it seemed like fishing was my escape and at that moment I really needed it, so get my ass out there. I did, yet there were so many people. With everything else, I am really hyper-sensitive today so being around people was not making things better. I may have been ok with it had the family that was fishing next to me not been yelling at their kids continually. I did manage to go try and hunt down a different place before I lost it and told them to just shut up. Oh, any by the way annoying family, there is an unwritten rule when fishing, you respect others area. Keep your lines in your area.
In the end I just left and returned this evening. Had bites but didn't catch anything. There was a grandfather and his grandson fishing near me and we had fun. He had found a bluegill nest and was catching them one right after the other. I tried yet they just ate my bait and ran. I think I need different hooks. As well, I like my red pole the best. I have not caught a darn thing with the blue one. Want to think I will go back out tomorrow evening, yet I have got to get a few things done around here. Yes, fishing is my escape.
I'm so tired and exhausted. My thoughts just mingle and mix together making it very difficult to figure out just what I am feeling. I guess I am safe. I am not going to be hitting anything tonight, that is for sure. I probably should not be alone, and yet there are not a whole lot of options - everyone is working tonight. Soon I will get to bed. I don't think that there will be any issues of not falling asleep.
Tami made a comment the other day that ran through my head a lot today. It was the idea that I was waiting for someone to save me and I didn't even know what that looked or felt like because, unfortunately i had never experienced it and I should have. Maybe that is part of my problem. I am looking for things that I don't know what they look like. Let's face it, I don't have a whole lot of correct information in the nurturing column. I guess that is why I keep looking for someone to yell at me. No, it is not going to make me feel better and yet it is familiar. I can connect with that. Although it would do more damage than good, I can comprehend it.
Maybe that is why I am so quick to be negative and destructive to myself - it is familiar, it is something I know how to do. I know what it looks like. It really sucks that my "norm" contains so many more negative and unhealthy things than positive and healthy. Maybe I should change careers and become the torture person for the mob. All I would have to do is treat the person like I treat myself.
I find myself thinking, "make the hurt stop, please just make it stop" and I am not referring to my hand. The negative thoughts, the sadness, the darkness, the feeling of inadequacy and failure. That is what I want to stop. The overwhelming presence of them. I don't want to be this negative and hurting person and yet, it is who I am.
Tomorrow is another chance to get through it all. I broke the 24 hour no contact rule today so I will do my best to stay quiet tomorrow. I hate and like that rule. I hate it because, well, it is no contact with my main resource for help. As well, it is a wonderful punishment tool that I can tell myself, "see, you screwed up again." Yes, I do understand the actual purpose of it, and still, that punishing, negative piece of me thrives on it.
Hopefully I wake up tomorrow in a better place in my mind. It will be a busy day, so plenty of things to keep me distracted. Today has been tough and I got through it. I sure didn't want to and I managed to.
Still scared, still sad, and still not really ok.