Just live
I can't believe I haven't written all week. Well, ok, I can as I have thought about it several times and just have not been able to put the thoughts together to get them on paper. I think I used the phrase "mind-boggling" in an email to Chris earlier this week and that still seems to hold pretty true.
I continue to feel like I am in this new world, seeing things new for the first time or just differently. Really not any specific thing, it is sometimes random, it is sometimes a result of working through something. The one thing I do find along my journey, it is all connected. Whether it is connected from a past incident, a past learned behavior, or other, it is so interconnected. I would like to think that is a sign that if I can make forward progression in one area or find peace with one incident, it will affect things down the line.
My hands are healing. I think the scars will eventually fade. I think I probably see them quicker than another might and that is ok, it allows me opportunities to be compassionate and find forgiveness with myself. Although still tender, the bruises are fading on the other hand. Let's just pray that I can get through and make some peace with the things that pushed me to the edge this last round. I talk often about frustration - another piece in that is that it often feels as I manage to get through something and move it to the healthy side of things, there is something else that pops up over on the unhealthy side of things. It is like it doesn't quit coming. I often question just how much darkness is there in me? I know I have demons, yet after a while you often wonder if there is good in there too that can come out.
I know I am going to be ok and Chris continually reminds me that I am ok. The crazy part, I always have trouble defining what "ok" really is. In such a new area, I am not sure what the goal is that I am working toward. Thing such as "whatever doesn't make things worse" really start to make sense. Kind of like the thought that I am not sure where I am headed, yet I know where I don't want to head.
It is hard not to get negative with myself. I realize I am just now learning/relearning things that I should have learned long ago. Yes, for the majority of it, it was was not my fault that I didn't learn them or learn them in a healthy way, still it is hard. Sometimes it makes me mad, like I was cheated out of something. As much as I try not to, I do let my mind go to that "look what I could have done" as looking at my past as wasted opportunities. Yes, I did the best I could, still I could have done more. Then I think, maybe I did what I was supposed to. There is a reason in all things and without those struggles and deficiencies, maybe I could not have helped someone else the way I did. Sometimes God's plan really confounds me.
At times I let myself play the whole "If God or Jesus sat down with you, what would you ask?" So many questions cross my mind, and I am not sure which of them I would have the courage to ask. I think when it came down to it, I would want to know if I have done what I was supposed to do. No matter where I was in life, did I fulfill the purposes I had? Did I make contact with the people I was supposed to? Did I do the work I was supposed to? Was I where I needed to be when I needed to be there? Did I do good? In all honesty, all I desire is to know I did good. I really don't know how all of it really works on the other side, yet I have no desire for mansions or riches or things like that. I want to be able to give at least one hug to my friends and family, have Ali and Tess at my side, and hear God and Jesus simply say, "you did good." Then I will be off on my next adventure. See, simple person I am.
I think it comes from feeling like I was a negative factor for so many years. All the years I felt like a burden to others or was bullied and shamed. I still struggle so hard with those feelings and emotions. I just want to know I am doing good, doing the right thing. It's not about perfection. I still will say, I am not trying to be valedictorian, just teacher's pet. I am not trying to be number one, I just want to be included among the numbered. I want to be somebody too. And, although it may teeter on selfishness, I just want to be someone special. Is that wrong? It is kind of ironic as I am always saying I don't want credit, I don't like people to know things come from me, etc. I often refer to myself as the Wizard - hiding behind the curtain making the magic happen.
There is truth in that - I am not out for my name on a marquee or things like that. I love seeing joy, peace, comfort, happiness, and more in others when I do something and I will always find enjoyment in that. I don't do the things I do to get some kind of acknowledgement, I do them because I like to, because I want to. It makes me feel good to help and serve others. I feel like I have a purpose, a mission, a reason to exist. I have no clue if that is right or wrong, yet it is how I am.
In my heart, I know I am doing the right things. I receive answers to prayer and hear through blessings that I doing great and marvelous things. I believe that and still I find myself doubting that I am doing enough. I am quick to think that others are just confused or mistaken when they complement me or offer positive comments. It is hard not to immediately think "well, if they really knew me they wouldn't think that" which may apply, yet there are so many that do know me and still think I am a decent person. Maybe that is just part of being human. Maybe it is what keeps me humble. There is always more to do, there is always someone to serve. I just have to make sure I can keep myself at a place where I am ready and able to go and do when needed. If God, Jesus, and so many others believe in me, I have to keep believing in myself too.
I continue to feel like I am in this new world, seeing things new for the first time or just differently. Really not any specific thing, it is sometimes random, it is sometimes a result of working through something. The one thing I do find along my journey, it is all connected. Whether it is connected from a past incident, a past learned behavior, or other, it is so interconnected. I would like to think that is a sign that if I can make forward progression in one area or find peace with one incident, it will affect things down the line.
My hands are healing. I think the scars will eventually fade. I think I probably see them quicker than another might and that is ok, it allows me opportunities to be compassionate and find forgiveness with myself. Although still tender, the bruises are fading on the other hand. Let's just pray that I can get through and make some peace with the things that pushed me to the edge this last round. I talk often about frustration - another piece in that is that it often feels as I manage to get through something and move it to the healthy side of things, there is something else that pops up over on the unhealthy side of things. It is like it doesn't quit coming. I often question just how much darkness is there in me? I know I have demons, yet after a while you often wonder if there is good in there too that can come out.
I know I am going to be ok and Chris continually reminds me that I am ok. The crazy part, I always have trouble defining what "ok" really is. In such a new area, I am not sure what the goal is that I am working toward. Thing such as "whatever doesn't make things worse" really start to make sense. Kind of like the thought that I am not sure where I am headed, yet I know where I don't want to head.
It is hard not to get negative with myself. I realize I am just now learning/relearning things that I should have learned long ago. Yes, for the majority of it, it was was not my fault that I didn't learn them or learn them in a healthy way, still it is hard. Sometimes it makes me mad, like I was cheated out of something. As much as I try not to, I do let my mind go to that "look what I could have done" as looking at my past as wasted opportunities. Yes, I did the best I could, still I could have done more. Then I think, maybe I did what I was supposed to. There is a reason in all things and without those struggles and deficiencies, maybe I could not have helped someone else the way I did. Sometimes God's plan really confounds me.
At times I let myself play the whole "If God or Jesus sat down with you, what would you ask?" So many questions cross my mind, and I am not sure which of them I would have the courage to ask. I think when it came down to it, I would want to know if I have done what I was supposed to do. No matter where I was in life, did I fulfill the purposes I had? Did I make contact with the people I was supposed to? Did I do the work I was supposed to? Was I where I needed to be when I needed to be there? Did I do good? In all honesty, all I desire is to know I did good. I really don't know how all of it really works on the other side, yet I have no desire for mansions or riches or things like that. I want to be able to give at least one hug to my friends and family, have Ali and Tess at my side, and hear God and Jesus simply say, "you did good." Then I will be off on my next adventure. See, simple person I am.
I think it comes from feeling like I was a negative factor for so many years. All the years I felt like a burden to others or was bullied and shamed. I still struggle so hard with those feelings and emotions. I just want to know I am doing good, doing the right thing. It's not about perfection. I still will say, I am not trying to be valedictorian, just teacher's pet. I am not trying to be number one, I just want to be included among the numbered. I want to be somebody too. And, although it may teeter on selfishness, I just want to be someone special. Is that wrong? It is kind of ironic as I am always saying I don't want credit, I don't like people to know things come from me, etc. I often refer to myself as the Wizard - hiding behind the curtain making the magic happen.
There is truth in that - I am not out for my name on a marquee or things like that. I love seeing joy, peace, comfort, happiness, and more in others when I do something and I will always find enjoyment in that. I don't do the things I do to get some kind of acknowledgement, I do them because I like to, because I want to. It makes me feel good to help and serve others. I feel like I have a purpose, a mission, a reason to exist. I have no clue if that is right or wrong, yet it is how I am.
In my heart, I know I am doing the right things. I receive answers to prayer and hear through blessings that I doing great and marvelous things. I believe that and still I find myself doubting that I am doing enough. I am quick to think that others are just confused or mistaken when they complement me or offer positive comments. It is hard not to immediately think "well, if they really knew me they wouldn't think that" which may apply, yet there are so many that do know me and still think I am a decent person. Maybe that is just part of being human. Maybe it is what keeps me humble. There is always more to do, there is always someone to serve. I just have to make sure I can keep myself at a place where I am ready and able to go and do when needed. If God, Jesus, and so many others believe in me, I have to keep believing in myself too.