Please don't let go

-
Dear Heavenly Father,
I just want you to know that i still read your letter often. I find strength in being able to read many of the words now and know I am on the other side of the fence. As I read the stories you shared, I realize I now have my own.

There is still a missing component for me. The authors of those stories seem to have so much confidence and assurity in themselves and their new found lives. I am still so scared and doubting of my strength.

I get a few steps ahead and it feels exhilarating. I find myself thinking, "I got this, I can do this" and it feels good. It seems to come with a price. I often feel that as I stand up and start moving forward and being confident, a part of me meets me head-on to tell me that it is not real, it is not going to last, not only am I fooling myself and I will most likely hurt someone in the process. Back up and back off.

It breaks my heart. I want to do good, I want to help others, I want to do the right things in life. Sometimes I have no idea what that means. I just give it my best shot.

I am working on that loving myself thing. It is a place I haven't been for a really long time. I am doing good on getting to know those little pieces and parts of my self that I keep meeting as I work along. I have so much compassion for them, for what they have been through, for what I put them them through all these years. There is no need for me to forgive them, for they have done nothing wrong. On the other side, I often wonder if they will forgive me. Yes, they keep coming back, yet will they ever understand that I did the best I could and sadly that came with a lot of anger, hate, and self-destruction.

It is so easy to recall the negative and carry the weight of that. To recall the good, it comes with guilt. All good memories will eventually come with thoughts of selfishness and pride. It may not come at that same moment yet it makes it along eventually. It makes me afraid to enjoy sometimes, it makes me stay one step back.

I know you continue to put people in my path, situations in my life, and lights along the road. Know how thankful I am for that. I just hope that I am doing the right things to show my appreciation. Know how thankful I am for it and know I never take it for granted. As well, it is never expected. I know these are gifts and my heart is always full that you think I am worth receiving them.

I want to think that there are still great things for me to do. I want to think that you won't give up on me because I keep struggling with dark and negative thoughts. Please don't let my struggle to find peace affect those you need me to serve.

Please help me not to be a burden or a bother to others. Help me to not be afraid to ask for help and guidance. Help me to not fear myself to a point of destruction. Please don't abandon me.

Christy

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more