Be all that is me
I have been quiet on here for a while. It happens, and it is ok as it was not due to anything bad. My mind continues to wander about, trying to figure out this new place I find myself in. It is like being in the mountains for the first time, all the differences in terrain makes you kind of mesmerized. You find yourself just looking around, trying to take it in, trying to make sense of things you have only seen in pictures. There is a lot of pondering at your surroundings and not much speech. Yah, that is kind of where I have been in this past week.
Chris loaned me a few books to read about finding the inner child. I have done a lot of reading this past year, probably more than in the past many years. I am still a little slow of a reader and that is ok, there is no race. I used to be able and just skim pages and books and pick up on the ideas and purpose and all of that. Was not a speed reader by far yet I learned how to get through a book, get out of it what I needed, and move on. After I got sick, along with the added issues of focus and concentration, I have found that I don't read and comprehend like I once did. I most definitely don't retain information like I used to. No midnight cramming for tests anymore. Kind of ironic, as now I am forced to slow down and take my time in order to comprehend what I am reading - aren't we supposed to do that anyways? Ah, life and its little quirks.
I find myself going back and doing a lot of re-reading of sentences and paragraphs, and that too is ok, as the point is to learn and ponder over what I am reading. The book I am reading through right now is called "The Magical Child Within You" by Bruce Davis. In the book, he refers to his inner-self by ages. I found that interesting that there were these comments about the six-year-old self or the sixteen-year-old self. When I was working through my thoughts of my "selves" and thought about putting ages to them, I figured I was being silly with that. I mean, it worked for me, and I am sure at the end of the day that is what counts, yet I still had the little thoughts in the back of my head that maybe I was a little weird looking at it that way. Apparently not.
There was a spot today that I read over a couple times. It was the idea that we take care of our adult selves and forget that there are these little ones inside us as well looking to be cared for. That as we are doing things like working harder, sleeping less, and/or feeding addictions, in order to get through, the child within us just wants to be loved and played with. Basically, as an adult we are doing all these many things to "make it better" when at the end of the day, a hug and a box of crayons could make the ultimate difference.
I wouldn't call it "parallels" yet as I continue to read through the book, I start to think about things. I sat pondering today, what are the things I liked to do when I was a young child, teen, young adult? What were things I got to do and enjoyed, what were things I wanted to do and were not allowed to? Is it too late to do those things again or to be able to try them for the first time? Granted, not going to be climbing a tree anytime soon - I am ok with having never done that, yet I am kind of curious what it was like for someone who did. Was it adventurous? Was it part of imagination - like conquering a mountain or scaling the mast of a ship? [Note to self: Ask Chris if she ever climbed a tree, what was it like.]
I think about a couple weeks ago when I spent time making crayons. I put aside all the "adult stuff" I really needed to be doing and just did something fun. I have always liked making things, creating based on my imagination. I was never lacking in imagination through the years, whether I had the chance to act on it or not. I still have quite the imagination. I'm thinking that all that exists in me had a good time with that. It was fun to do and I made a mess and I wasn't yelled at about it. I spilled and I laughed, I didn't beat myself up or tell myself that I was careless and bad. Matter of fact, there is still crayon wax on the front of the cabinets, eventually I will scrape it off. Until then, it will just still make me smile each time I see it.
So I started thinking even more about what things did the little one like to do? What things did teenage Blewy like to do? What things did young adult Blewy quit doing after the robbery and the abuse? When I came out of the hospital, I pretty much told myself that I was no longer allowed to live and enjoy. I wasn't worthy of being happy. I had failed at being able to handle life and I was now even more the black sheep of the family and therefore, my consequence was that I could "exist" in life, although I was not allowed to "live and enjoy" life. When I did have moments that were enjoyable and fun, I was sure to guilt myself enough over it that the joy was diminished. To be happy would always come with a price. To do things for myself was selfish and inconsiderate. Others first - always others first. If I had time for me, then I had time for others. Yes, an unrealistic and unhealthy view and a view that was encouraged and supported by myself and others.
Little things make me smile. The above is probably why. I don't require nor really desire big fanfare and attention. A pat on the back (literally) or a smile from someone, goes a long way with me. Several months ago I was playing with the Kinetic Sand in session. While we were talking through things, I made and alligator. I remember holding up the box so Chris could see it and having that "see what I did!!" proud smile on my face. Her positive reply to that one moment probably did more for me than anything we talked about the rest of the session.
I realize that I seek approval, simple approval, yet still seek approval. I am not sure if that is good or bad. After so many years of "you are nothing" being reinforced, even the smallest "you are something" reference feels good. I always say that when I die and get to heaven, the only thing I really desire to hear from God and Christ is, "you did good." What I have to work on is telling myself the same.
I think back to a lot of the achievements I had that were overshadowed by negativity or that I didn't feel that I could celebrate or enjoy. Is it too late to change those moments? Why can't I celebrate now? Yes, it doesn't change the original situation, although why can't I kind of "rewrite" the ending? Why can't I take a moment and instead of hanging my head low and keeping my mouth shut, lift up my eyes, smile big and say, "I worked hard and look at what I did!"
It was fun to find the poster board of my article at the high school last week. I had joked about taking my picture with it all these years later, and that was pretty much the extent of it, just a fun thought. For some reason, I acted upon that desire and look what happened - something good.
No one thought I was stupid for wanting to take the photo (they actually had fun too), and the couple teachers who didn't realize what the significance was, thought it was really cool when they heard the story. I wasn't being selfish, prideful, or anything like that. I was just taking a moment to enjoy something really good that I did, allowing myself to accept an achievement. Trust me, it was a big step for me to stand there without judgement and say, "I did that." When I posted the before/after photos on FB, my journalism teacher (who was in the original photo with me) wrote "I am just as proud of you today as I was then."
Things are new and if they are not, they are new to me, they are new again. I still fear a lot. I think I might for a long time. I still have a deep fear of having a setback and that fear might follow me for all my life. What I have to remember is that it is ok to explore, it is ok to be curious, it is ok to ask questions, it is ok learn, it is ok to be all that is me.
Chris loaned me a few books to read about finding the inner child. I have done a lot of reading this past year, probably more than in the past many years. I am still a little slow of a reader and that is ok, there is no race. I used to be able and just skim pages and books and pick up on the ideas and purpose and all of that. Was not a speed reader by far yet I learned how to get through a book, get out of it what I needed, and move on. After I got sick, along with the added issues of focus and concentration, I have found that I don't read and comprehend like I once did. I most definitely don't retain information like I used to. No midnight cramming for tests anymore. Kind of ironic, as now I am forced to slow down and take my time in order to comprehend what I am reading - aren't we supposed to do that anyways? Ah, life and its little quirks.
I find myself going back and doing a lot of re-reading of sentences and paragraphs, and that too is ok, as the point is to learn and ponder over what I am reading. The book I am reading through right now is called "The Magical Child Within You" by Bruce Davis. In the book, he refers to his inner-self by ages. I found that interesting that there were these comments about the six-year-old self or the sixteen-year-old self. When I was working through my thoughts of my "selves" and thought about putting ages to them, I figured I was being silly with that. I mean, it worked for me, and I am sure at the end of the day that is what counts, yet I still had the little thoughts in the back of my head that maybe I was a little weird looking at it that way. Apparently not.
There was a spot today that I read over a couple times. It was the idea that we take care of our adult selves and forget that there are these little ones inside us as well looking to be cared for. That as we are doing things like working harder, sleeping less, and/or feeding addictions, in order to get through, the child within us just wants to be loved and played with. Basically, as an adult we are doing all these many things to "make it better" when at the end of the day, a hug and a box of crayons could make the ultimate difference.I wouldn't call it "parallels" yet as I continue to read through the book, I start to think about things. I sat pondering today, what are the things I liked to do when I was a young child, teen, young adult? What were things I got to do and enjoyed, what were things I wanted to do and were not allowed to? Is it too late to do those things again or to be able to try them for the first time? Granted, not going to be climbing a tree anytime soon - I am ok with having never done that, yet I am kind of curious what it was like for someone who did. Was it adventurous? Was it part of imagination - like conquering a mountain or scaling the mast of a ship? [Note to self: Ask Chris if she ever climbed a tree, what was it like.]
I think about a couple weeks ago when I spent time making crayons. I put aside all the "adult stuff" I really needed to be doing and just did something fun. I have always liked making things, creating based on my imagination. I was never lacking in imagination through the years, whether I had the chance to act on it or not. I still have quite the imagination. I'm thinking that all that exists in me had a good time with that. It was fun to do and I made a mess and I wasn't yelled at about it. I spilled and I laughed, I didn't beat myself up or tell myself that I was careless and bad. Matter of fact, there is still crayon wax on the front of the cabinets, eventually I will scrape it off. Until then, it will just still make me smile each time I see it.
So I started thinking even more about what things did the little one like to do? What things did teenage Blewy like to do? What things did young adult Blewy quit doing after the robbery and the abuse? When I came out of the hospital, I pretty much told myself that I was no longer allowed to live and enjoy. I wasn't worthy of being happy. I had failed at being able to handle life and I was now even more the black sheep of the family and therefore, my consequence was that I could "exist" in life, although I was not allowed to "live and enjoy" life. When I did have moments that were enjoyable and fun, I was sure to guilt myself enough over it that the joy was diminished. To be happy would always come with a price. To do things for myself was selfish and inconsiderate. Others first - always others first. If I had time for me, then I had time for others. Yes, an unrealistic and unhealthy view and a view that was encouraged and supported by myself and others. Little things make me smile. The above is probably why. I don't require nor really desire big fanfare and attention. A pat on the back (literally) or a smile from someone, goes a long way with me. Several months ago I was playing with the Kinetic Sand in session. While we were talking through things, I made and alligator. I remember holding up the box so Chris could see it and having that "see what I did!!" proud smile on my face. Her positive reply to that one moment probably did more for me than anything we talked about the rest of the session.
I realize that I seek approval, simple approval, yet still seek approval. I am not sure if that is good or bad. After so many years of "you are nothing" being reinforced, even the smallest "you are something" reference feels good. I always say that when I die and get to heaven, the only thing I really desire to hear from God and Christ is, "you did good." What I have to work on is telling myself the same.
I think back to a lot of the achievements I had that were overshadowed by negativity or that I didn't feel that I could celebrate or enjoy. Is it too late to change those moments? Why can't I celebrate now? Yes, it doesn't change the original situation, although why can't I kind of "rewrite" the ending? Why can't I take a moment and instead of hanging my head low and keeping my mouth shut, lift up my eyes, smile big and say, "I worked hard and look at what I did!"
No one thought I was stupid for wanting to take the photo (they actually had fun too), and the couple teachers who didn't realize what the significance was, thought it was really cool when they heard the story. I wasn't being selfish, prideful, or anything like that. I was just taking a moment to enjoy something really good that I did, allowing myself to accept an achievement. Trust me, it was a big step for me to stand there without judgement and say, "I did that." When I posted the before/after photos on FB, my journalism teacher (who was in the original photo with me) wrote "I am just as proud of you today as I was then."
Things are new and if they are not, they are new to me, they are new again. I still fear a lot. I think I might for a long time. I still have a deep fear of having a setback and that fear might follow me for all my life. What I have to remember is that it is ok to explore, it is ok to be curious, it is ok to ask questions, it is ok learn, it is ok to be all that is me.