Answer please

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Dear Heavenly Father, what have I done wrong to make you so mad at me? Have I made life choices that really are that bad? Am I intentionally hurting others and not realizing it? Are you telling me to do things and I am either not understanding or I am not hearing you? I am believing this "better than I was" less and less anymore.
I did my best to make it through church. Am I in trouble because I left? I was dizzy and shaky and afraid I wouldn't be able to get home safely, it had nothing to do with skipping or running away. I was just trying to be smart and safe.
I'm worn down across the board. I have a line of people going "what can I do to help?" Yet the truth is, there really isn't anything. I don't think the answer "please make the distress stop" is going to be a valid request.
My body hurts, no, seriously, I am in pain. Apparently in one of my tumbles I cracked my forearm good as it is super tender. My quads are spasming, my calves charlie horses. I can't even make a sarcastic "its the most wonderful feeling" comment. My head is pounding and I am lucky to focus with one eye closed.
Did I screw up? Please tell me what I need to apologize for so life can start getting better. Are you deliberately pushing me toward the edge to see if I will jump or not? Really, you would do that? Are you bored or are you wanting me to jump? It's ok to say you want me to jump yet let's quit screwing around with the games. If you want me gone, just say so.
I have busted my tail to always serve you and will keep doing it, yet if you want me to walk away from it all and go away just tell me.
I am so tired right now. I am lucky to even form thoughts and sentences. I am sure someone somewhere is getting great joy in watching me struggle. Its not fun anymore being someone's pawn.
I really could use some straight up, in your face answers. Am I to keep fighting this and peace will come SOON or is peace inevitable and this is my cross I will have to carry the rest of my life? Just tell me something, ok? Just give me a little piece of something.
There are several people involved this round and I will not waste or be a waste of their time. There are plenty others out there who need help and aren't as messed up as me.
I just need some answers and not those cryptic read between the lines ones. Are you mad at me or not? If so, are you going to tell me why? If not, are you going to assure me this pain will ease? Can I just have a small look down the line?
In the meantime I have choices yet the best is to sleep. I can't think, function, or focus right now.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Whatever I have done or am not doing, I am sorry. I will do better if just let me know what I am supposed to be doing better. I'll be better, I promise. I will.
I don't know what else to say or what else to ask. If I'm not worth it, really I am ok with that, please just let me know it. I have a life to live and right now I can barely function. So please, help me, smite me, or let me go. I am not able to hang on much longer.
Remember, I don't do "hidden messages" well these days. "In you face" works best.
All by your will,
Blewy

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