Chaotic
My mind has been in quite the state of turmoil this evening and night. That piece of me who was always destructive feels lost and scared, not knowing what to do with themselves, questioning their purpose, questioning their existence.
Lots of destructive thoughts with confusion and chaos. It is as if a struggle between "I don't want to make these thoughts happen" and "I don't know what else to do" is playing out.
We meet at the rose bush as promised and touch the petals. They have a unique texture to them. We look at the blooms and lose ourselves in the color. Yellow is the color I always chose to represent happiness.
The distress calms down, the anxiety lessens. The thoughts, although quieter, continue. That piece of me sadly apologizes, "it's the only way I know how to communicate."
While I am still trying to figure out of if the "little one" has left for good (it sure feels like they have gone away), this one doesn't want to leave, and they have expressed that. They want to stay and they (nor I) know how that plays out. I share that no one has to leave. I am not going to make anyone go, and I kind of like the company. I remember though, when I get stronger, people go away. Why should the kids be immune? At least I am slowly learning to accept it. It is kind of expected at this point. Sad, yet expected.
It is bad timing. This is always a hard time of the year. The whole "peace and love" in the air. People put on fake happy fronts because it is the holidays. You know they don't mean it, that they hate you just as much as the rest of the year. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people trying to get along for the cause, yet wouldn't it be nice if they could do it for longer than a few weeks through the end of the year?
A good nights sleep will help. It is still hard to fight the urge to help that out. Numbness is a nice gift sometimes...for all parts of me.
Too much thinking. Tomorrow will be better.
Lots of destructive thoughts with confusion and chaos. It is as if a struggle between "I don't want to make these thoughts happen" and "I don't know what else to do" is playing out.
The distress calms down, the anxiety lessens. The thoughts, although quieter, continue. That piece of me sadly apologizes, "it's the only way I know how to communicate."
While I am still trying to figure out of if the "little one" has left for good (it sure feels like they have gone away), this one doesn't want to leave, and they have expressed that. They want to stay and they (nor I) know how that plays out. I share that no one has to leave. I am not going to make anyone go, and I kind of like the company. I remember though, when I get stronger, people go away. Why should the kids be immune? At least I am slowly learning to accept it. It is kind of expected at this point. Sad, yet expected.
It is bad timing. This is always a hard time of the year. The whole "peace and love" in the air. People put on fake happy fronts because it is the holidays. You know they don't mean it, that they hate you just as much as the rest of the year. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people trying to get along for the cause, yet wouldn't it be nice if they could do it for longer than a few weeks through the end of the year?
A good nights sleep will help. It is still hard to fight the urge to help that out. Numbness is a nice gift sometimes...for all parts of me.
Too much thinking. Tomorrow will be better.