Welcome to break
Although I will be doing my best to take thing one moment at at time and let things play out as they do, I will have to say that "welcome to the holiday break" did not fail in its entrance. Maybe this next year I can learn to convince my subconscious that hellfire does not always stand before us.
It was rough getting to sleep last night, lots of anxiety. I was pulling out all the tricks I had -- healthy ones. I went though several radio stations, a few extra blankets, a few less blankets, lay on the left, lay on the right, lay on my back. I am sure that Tess was at the "will you lay still!" point as at one point she got out from under the blankets, crawled up next to my head, and just glared at me. In the end I turned off everything, curled up in the smallest and tightest ball I could, wound up the teddy bear, and tried to put all my focus on that little tune. It must have worked, I don't remember the bear stopping, nor do I remember winding it a second time.
Doing surgery on teddy bear still is making me smile. A healthy (and fun) memory to have for a long time. As well, the payoff has been pretty rewarding. I'm learning it is ok to do things like that - for myself - it really is. Even though I am still a little apprehensive, at least I am willing to give it a shot. I think I am getting closer to that "you're doing great" pat on the back from God.
I woke up this morning buried in the corner of the bed, pillows tucked around me, similar to when I try to crawl into the back of the chair in session. It didn't surprise me, my dreams last night did not really fall under "warm and fuzzy" experiences, and the good part is that they were not the disturbing nightmares either. As to spare details, let's just say all those less positive memories from previous holidays played out all night long. The cast of characters were people I really did not care to be around, nor be berated by. I may have woke up more exhausted than when I went to sleep. After prying myself out of the corner there was one thought, "welcome to the holidays."
They are just dreams, just thoughts, just feelings.....they can't hurt me. I have the power to control what I do with them. I can dwell on them and paralyze myself or I can just acknowledge them and try to keep moving forward. I've been trying to stay in that moving forward column. Am about half way done with shampooing the living room carpet and hoping I am getting close to the elusive smell. Tess is not really happy with me as I keep moving furniture around. Seems she doesn't care for chaos. It is ok, because what she doesn't realize is that she is on that "things to be shampooed" list.
Day one...half way through.
It was rough getting to sleep last night, lots of anxiety. I was pulling out all the tricks I had -- healthy ones. I went though several radio stations, a few extra blankets, a few less blankets, lay on the left, lay on the right, lay on my back. I am sure that Tess was at the "will you lay still!" point as at one point she got out from under the blankets, crawled up next to my head, and just glared at me. In the end I turned off everything, curled up in the smallest and tightest ball I could, wound up the teddy bear, and tried to put all my focus on that little tune. It must have worked, I don't remember the bear stopping, nor do I remember winding it a second time.
Doing surgery on teddy bear still is making me smile. A healthy (and fun) memory to have for a long time. As well, the payoff has been pretty rewarding. I'm learning it is ok to do things like that - for myself - it really is. Even though I am still a little apprehensive, at least I am willing to give it a shot. I think I am getting closer to that "you're doing great" pat on the back from God.
I woke up this morning buried in the corner of the bed, pillows tucked around me, similar to when I try to crawl into the back of the chair in session. It didn't surprise me, my dreams last night did not really fall under "warm and fuzzy" experiences, and the good part is that they were not the disturbing nightmares either. As to spare details, let's just say all those less positive memories from previous holidays played out all night long. The cast of characters were people I really did not care to be around, nor be berated by. I may have woke up more exhausted than when I went to sleep. After prying myself out of the corner there was one thought, "welcome to the holidays."
They are just dreams, just thoughts, just feelings.....they can't hurt me. I have the power to control what I do with them. I can dwell on them and paralyze myself or I can just acknowledge them and try to keep moving forward. I've been trying to stay in that moving forward column. Am about half way done with shampooing the living room carpet and hoping I am getting close to the elusive smell. Tess is not really happy with me as I keep moving furniture around. Seems she doesn't care for chaos. It is ok, because what she doesn't realize is that she is on that "things to be shampooed" list.
Day one...half way through.