Need help
Sometimes I need help. A simple request that at times is so difficult to express. "I need help" does not stand on its own very well. "Need help with what?" is the brick wall that so quickly shuts it all down.
Sometimes I cannot tell you what I need help with because I do not know. I know I feel fear and I know I do not trust myself. I want to hurt, I want to inflict pain on myself. I feel lost and confused. I feel fragile and uneasy. It gets so loud in my head that I can't concentrate or focus.
When we were kids, we had this game we played in the pool. You would stand on the deck and spin round and round until you were so dizzy that you could hardly stand up, then you closed your eyes and jumped in the pool. Even in a 4-foot pool, you were so disoriented that you could not stand up or find the top of the water. It was quite the adrenaline rush and scary as hell. Yet as adolescents, we did not always think about safe.
There was a key element. Only one person could do this at a time. The other would be in the water waiting. After a few seconds of floundering like a fish, they would grab you and pull you above the water and hang onto you until you could stand up. Then, we would switch. Yes, it was fun.....a little insane now that I think of it, yet it was fun.
Sometimes my mind gets so riled up that it feels very similar to that moment when I would jump in the water. Although I jumped feet first, the ground kept eluding me. It actually felt like someone pulling a rug out from under you. Opening your eyes did not help much as being under the water was a disorienting view. It was a feeling of helplessness with a side of fear.
In the pool I always knew I was safe, I knew someone would help. I did not have to look for it, it was guaranteed. I didn't have to ask. There I was, it could be seen I needed help. It was guaranteed that someone was always there.
I need help and I am begging for someone to grab me while I am drowning, pull me up to safety, and hold onto me until I can stand on my own. Sure sounds good, eh? One problem, no one can save you when they don't know you are in trouble.
Hiding alone, inside, isolated, does not really make one visible. Laying in bed for hours, closing your eyes hoping the voices and yelling that only you can hear will quiet, is not really a marquee with big flashing lights for the outside world.
I have been doing so good - exceptionally well for the past that I have had. I am mad at whatever has stirred this up. Seeing that I do not know what that is, I find myself in the old habit....being mad at myself.
It has been getting so loud. It may start quietly, enough for me to recognize that it is there and then it gets louder and louder and I can breathe, meditate, pray, beg, or finally plead, and I cannot get it to silence. Whatever I do may stall the increase in volume, yet it gets to its destination one moment or another. Once in a while it will suddenly stop without cause, catching me just as off guard as the yelling. The sudden silence is deafening.
It is upsetting and has my anxiety playing games that I thought were finished and gone. At night it seems worse, and just when I think I am not going to make it - that when what is playing out in my head starts to manifest into reality - I pass out and it all continues in my dreams.
I need help and I don't know where to place myself for someone to see me. I am also not sure who to reach out for. As well, this kind of stuff doesn't really get you the title of "sane person of the year" and therefore it is hard to put myself in a place where I can be seen as struggling. I just hold my head in my hands and wonder what is wrong with me. I keep getting told there is not anything wrong with me. You know what, if this is normal, I will take the insanity plea.
All I have to do is make it a few more days.....a few more. I can do this...I really can. I've been tormented worse and I got through it, I will get through this....I have to get through this.
It's been calmer the past few hours yet it is starting to get loud again. I "feel" it surrounding me. I feel the anxiety not far behind it. My heart is racing and it is hard to catch my breath. The shaking is starting to kick in. A part of me sits back going, "oh please, not again."
It is time to shut things down, go put myself somewhere safe especially from myself. I'm getting tired and worn down and the ability to hang on is getting harder and harder. Something has to give, it is just up in the air which side it will be.
Sometimes I cannot tell you what I need help with because I do not know. I know I feel fear and I know I do not trust myself. I want to hurt, I want to inflict pain on myself. I feel lost and confused. I feel fragile and uneasy. It gets so loud in my head that I can't concentrate or focus.
When we were kids, we had this game we played in the pool. You would stand on the deck and spin round and round until you were so dizzy that you could hardly stand up, then you closed your eyes and jumped in the pool. Even in a 4-foot pool, you were so disoriented that you could not stand up or find the top of the water. It was quite the adrenaline rush and scary as hell. Yet as adolescents, we did not always think about safe.
There was a key element. Only one person could do this at a time. The other would be in the water waiting. After a few seconds of floundering like a fish, they would grab you and pull you above the water and hang onto you until you could stand up. Then, we would switch. Yes, it was fun.....a little insane now that I think of it, yet it was fun.
Sometimes my mind gets so riled up that it feels very similar to that moment when I would jump in the water. Although I jumped feet first, the ground kept eluding me. It actually felt like someone pulling a rug out from under you. Opening your eyes did not help much as being under the water was a disorienting view. It was a feeling of helplessness with a side of fear.
In the pool I always knew I was safe, I knew someone would help. I did not have to look for it, it was guaranteed. I didn't have to ask. There I was, it could be seen I needed help. It was guaranteed that someone was always there.
I need help and I am begging for someone to grab me while I am drowning, pull me up to safety, and hold onto me until I can stand on my own. Sure sounds good, eh? One problem, no one can save you when they don't know you are in trouble.
Hiding alone, inside, isolated, does not really make one visible. Laying in bed for hours, closing your eyes hoping the voices and yelling that only you can hear will quiet, is not really a marquee with big flashing lights for the outside world.
I have been doing so good - exceptionally well for the past that I have had. I am mad at whatever has stirred this up. Seeing that I do not know what that is, I find myself in the old habit....being mad at myself.
It has been getting so loud. It may start quietly, enough for me to recognize that it is there and then it gets louder and louder and I can breathe, meditate, pray, beg, or finally plead, and I cannot get it to silence. Whatever I do may stall the increase in volume, yet it gets to its destination one moment or another. Once in a while it will suddenly stop without cause, catching me just as off guard as the yelling. The sudden silence is deafening.
It is upsetting and has my anxiety playing games that I thought were finished and gone. At night it seems worse, and just when I think I am not going to make it - that when what is playing out in my head starts to manifest into reality - I pass out and it all continues in my dreams.
I need help and I don't know where to place myself for someone to see me. I am also not sure who to reach out for. As well, this kind of stuff doesn't really get you the title of "sane person of the year" and therefore it is hard to put myself in a place where I can be seen as struggling. I just hold my head in my hands and wonder what is wrong with me. I keep getting told there is not anything wrong with me. You know what, if this is normal, I will take the insanity plea.
All I have to do is make it a few more days.....a few more. I can do this...I really can. I've been tormented worse and I got through it, I will get through this....I have to get through this.
It's been calmer the past few hours yet it is starting to get loud again. I "feel" it surrounding me. I feel the anxiety not far behind it. My heart is racing and it is hard to catch my breath. The shaking is starting to kick in. A part of me sits back going, "oh please, not again."
It is time to shut things down, go put myself somewhere safe especially from myself. I'm getting tired and worn down and the ability to hang on is getting harder and harder. Something has to give, it is just up in the air which side it will be.