That was close, too close
I was so happy with myself over yesterday. First day of the new year....a new beginning, a chance to do things right.
I did really well. I actually got a lot of stuff done and had a good attitude with it. When I found myself doing several things at once and starting to worry that I was not going to complete any of it, I stopped and evaluated things and in the end got most of it done. What I did not finish I was ok with, for there would be another day.
Bug and I had a good evening including decorating cookies that ended up being harder than rocks. We resorted to dunking them in a bowl of milk. Ok, so I guess there was a reason they were on clearance. It is ok, we still had fun and considering he got a McFlurry after dinner, I was not worried on his sugar consumption. It is almost 10 and he is still sound asleep. We play hard here, and it makes me feel good that they can sleep so sound. It reminds me that I am doing a good job keeping a peaceful spirit in my home.
I guess I made a mistake somewhere though. Wasn't on purpose. As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the day and how well it went and how good I did. Just that little pat on the back, good job, kind of thoughts. I let myself think about how I was going to do good this year. I was optimistic. Apparently, I pushed it a little too far.
I know better than to let myself go down that "way to go" road very long. As if someone had come up behind me and hit me with a ball bat, the "voices" hit. Yah those lovely thoughts that are so loud and distinct that it is like someone talking (or yelling) at you. They have not been present for so long that it was like they were louder than ever....and more potent.
They didn't miss a beat. Everything from how I was fooling myself thinking I had gotten better to reminding me of the battles I still struggle with. It was taking my emotions and feelings and mixing them between truth and lies and I was not coping with it very well. I almost picked up the phone and started texting my buddies for strength, then I realized what time it was and I refused to bother them at such a late hour.
I tried to remind myself that I was ok, I was safe, I was good, I was stronger than the words and thoughts, yet it wasn't working too well. It was getting exhausting and the anger and frustration was getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to hit something and I wanted to hurt myself. Finding myself back at that spot only fueled the anger and hate as somewhere among it all I had now allowed myself back into a place I had managed to block off. There it was in all of its seducing glory, welcoming me back with all the darkness it could muster.
In my mind I yelled, "fine! go for it!" and on the table that laid between me and darkness I threw them all out, the gun, the knife, the razors - all of it. Everything I had worked so hard to collect from the various parts of myself - I threw it all out there. I believe my next comment was, "fucking go for it" and it very much took me up on the offer. I just laid there, curled up as the thoughts, feelings, and visions wreaked havoc and destruction. For 22 hours I had been so happy with myself - starting the year off so good. For the last 2 I watched it go out the window.
I could not get it to stop and knew I had to hang on to whatever I could. Probably a blessing that Brody was spending the night - no way I would let the darkness win with one of my boys present. I quietly went out to the living room, gathered my pencil and paper, and crawled back up in bed to try and get the picture that kept haunting me out of my head.....at least one of them. I drew in the dim light, not really caring how it came out, just trying to replicate what I was seeing over and over in my head. Many times, if I put it on paper, then it stops playing over and over in my head.
Guess you might say I am good, I mean it all stayed in my mind. Physically I am just as good as I was 24 hours ago. Emotionally, I'm hurt. In my mind I see the cuts, the bruises, the imprint of the hatchmarks from the handle of the gun - the result of holding it so tight in my hand. I see myself crumpled in the corner, beaten and broken, in pain. If it were one of the kids, I would quickly run to them, scoop them up, comfort them and help them get to a place of peace and solace. Then again, if it were one of the kids, it never would have gotten as far as it did. I still have not figured out the process when it is me, present day me, in that corner. I am just there until I can find the strength to crawl out of it or maybe even try to stand up. I find it amazing that my mind will let me destroy myself, and yet it will not let me cry.
It will be a rough day. I am skittish and have that "post extreme nerves" upset stomach. Tess will be happy, as I am sure there will be the extended version of a long nap today. I would go get a Sprite, yet that would require me to not only get out of my pajamas, it would mean I had to put on a bra. Then there is the whole having to go out of the house thing. I have until 5 tonight to do what it takes to get strengthened back up. JB comes to stay tonight - that will be fun and something good to look forward to. We will get into some kind of adventure that will be blog worthy.
I guess I did ok with things last night. I could have made it stop. I could have hurt myself and snapped out of it. I could have cleared out a box of benedryl and made it dissolve as I passed out. There were plenty of choices, yet I stuck it out - even alone, I stuck it out. Yah, guess I did ok.
Meanwhile, I have no idea where the weapons are, nor am I at a place emotionally to go looking for them. I know the kids don't have them which is a huge positive. I have a feeling there are just as many "kids" on the other side of 18 as there have been on the underside of it. Wonder how you make friends with them?
I am not sure what to take from it all. My first instinct is to remember and not be so positive and optimistic as it will only come back to bite me in the ass. That kind of sucks, because it felt good to feel good - if that makes sense. I will get it figured out....one way or the other, I will find the answers.
I did really well. I actually got a lot of stuff done and had a good attitude with it. When I found myself doing several things at once and starting to worry that I was not going to complete any of it, I stopped and evaluated things and in the end got most of it done. What I did not finish I was ok with, for there would be another day.
Bug and I had a good evening including decorating cookies that ended up being harder than rocks. We resorted to dunking them in a bowl of milk. Ok, so I guess there was a reason they were on clearance. It is ok, we still had fun and considering he got a McFlurry after dinner, I was not worried on his sugar consumption. It is almost 10 and he is still sound asleep. We play hard here, and it makes me feel good that they can sleep so sound. It reminds me that I am doing a good job keeping a peaceful spirit in my home.
I guess I made a mistake somewhere though. Wasn't on purpose. As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the day and how well it went and how good I did. Just that little pat on the back, good job, kind of thoughts. I let myself think about how I was going to do good this year. I was optimistic. Apparently, I pushed it a little too far.
I know better than to let myself go down that "way to go" road very long. As if someone had come up behind me and hit me with a ball bat, the "voices" hit. Yah those lovely thoughts that are so loud and distinct that it is like someone talking (or yelling) at you. They have not been present for so long that it was like they were louder than ever....and more potent.
They didn't miss a beat. Everything from how I was fooling myself thinking I had gotten better to reminding me of the battles I still struggle with. It was taking my emotions and feelings and mixing them between truth and lies and I was not coping with it very well. I almost picked up the phone and started texting my buddies for strength, then I realized what time it was and I refused to bother them at such a late hour.
I tried to remind myself that I was ok, I was safe, I was good, I was stronger than the words and thoughts, yet it wasn't working too well. It was getting exhausting and the anger and frustration was getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to hit something and I wanted to hurt myself. Finding myself back at that spot only fueled the anger and hate as somewhere among it all I had now allowed myself back into a place I had managed to block off. There it was in all of its seducing glory, welcoming me back with all the darkness it could muster.
In my mind I yelled, "fine! go for it!" and on the table that laid between me and darkness I threw them all out, the gun, the knife, the razors - all of it. Everything I had worked so hard to collect from the various parts of myself - I threw it all out there. I believe my next comment was, "fucking go for it" and it very much took me up on the offer. I just laid there, curled up as the thoughts, feelings, and visions wreaked havoc and destruction. For 22 hours I had been so happy with myself - starting the year off so good. For the last 2 I watched it go out the window.
I could not get it to stop and knew I had to hang on to whatever I could. Probably a blessing that Brody was spending the night - no way I would let the darkness win with one of my boys present. I quietly went out to the living room, gathered my pencil and paper, and crawled back up in bed to try and get the picture that kept haunting me out of my head.....at least one of them. I drew in the dim light, not really caring how it came out, just trying to replicate what I was seeing over and over in my head. Many times, if I put it on paper, then it stops playing over and over in my head.
Guess you might say I am good, I mean it all stayed in my mind. Physically I am just as good as I was 24 hours ago. Emotionally, I'm hurt. In my mind I see the cuts, the bruises, the imprint of the hatchmarks from the handle of the gun - the result of holding it so tight in my hand. I see myself crumpled in the corner, beaten and broken, in pain. If it were one of the kids, I would quickly run to them, scoop them up, comfort them and help them get to a place of peace and solace. Then again, if it were one of the kids, it never would have gotten as far as it did. I still have not figured out the process when it is me, present day me, in that corner. I am just there until I can find the strength to crawl out of it or maybe even try to stand up. I find it amazing that my mind will let me destroy myself, and yet it will not let me cry.
It will be a rough day. I am skittish and have that "post extreme nerves" upset stomach. Tess will be happy, as I am sure there will be the extended version of a long nap today. I would go get a Sprite, yet that would require me to not only get out of my pajamas, it would mean I had to put on a bra. Then there is the whole having to go out of the house thing. I have until 5 tonight to do what it takes to get strengthened back up. JB comes to stay tonight - that will be fun and something good to look forward to. We will get into some kind of adventure that will be blog worthy.
I guess I did ok with things last night. I could have made it stop. I could have hurt myself and snapped out of it. I could have cleared out a box of benedryl and made it dissolve as I passed out. There were plenty of choices, yet I stuck it out - even alone, I stuck it out. Yah, guess I did ok.
Meanwhile, I have no idea where the weapons are, nor am I at a place emotionally to go looking for them. I know the kids don't have them which is a huge positive. I have a feeling there are just as many "kids" on the other side of 18 as there have been on the underside of it. Wonder how you make friends with them?
I am not sure what to take from it all. My first instinct is to remember and not be so positive and optimistic as it will only come back to bite me in the ass. That kind of sucks, because it felt good to feel good - if that makes sense. I will get it figured out....one way or the other, I will find the answers.