Revelations
It is one of those nights where I can hardly keep my eyes open. Wanted to write a full post yet that isn't going to happen. I will be impressed if I get more than two paragraphs.
Did want to jot few things down if for no other reason, so I can go back later and address them a little more.
I got a reprieve on having to submit my food journal for a week due to my traveling. In not keeping the journal I realized I stopped eating regularly. It has been nice -not eating, yet that is not healthy. Already contacted Jeanette about it and have plan.
In session with Lynn today we were talking about a lot of things and I asked her what was going on in my brain when I got the self destructive thoughts and desires to hurt myself. What chemically was happening as it was not like I was purposely making myself have the bad thoughts.
She pulled out this sheet that talked about biological changes in people who are abuse/trauma survivors. As she was listing all these different things she would keep telling me "Remember these are not psychological even though they sound like it". Then she'd say "oh this one is you!" and keep naming them.
She explained that when we are young and either are abused or witness abuse for prolonged time, it actually affects the way the brain develops. So we learn to react in ways that will protect us. She said it is having to redraw pathways in the brain and that is where the DBT class is so valuable. And, as I have been told by others, it is not going to happen overnight.
We were talking about what age I was when I could remember abuse (mental or otherwise). I told her I could remember back to about 9, yet it was always the story that there was abuse in the home when in was still a toddler. She said that even if I wasn't abused, I witnessed it and that was just as bad for the developing brain. I just looked at her and asked, "so this really isn't my fault?" Just as I have been told in session, she also said that, no, it was not my fault. I asked why then did I continue to struggle with feeling like it was. She said that was my immature emotional side struggling with something it couldn't understand.
While we were talking about the "screaming" that has seemed to replace the loudness in my head, I realized something. I told her that I remembered my mom and dad always screaming at each other. I would lie in bed and cover my head with the pillow to try and not hear it. My bedroom was next to theirs and it was a trailer so all I was able to do was muffle it. That was it, that muffled yelling I remembered is the same yelling I keep hearing in my head. Now, I have no clue what to do with that, yet it has a name and a face. A conversation for tomorrow.
And so it is. All I was told today was just additional support of what I am being told in regular session. Oh yah, she also told me to quit thinking so much. There's a task to work on! What's that scripture about in the mouth of two or three witnesses the truth shall be established? Not that I was doubting anyone, just the ongoing power of the dialectic. Same info, different view.
Did want to jot few things down if for no other reason, so I can go back later and address them a little more.
I got a reprieve on having to submit my food journal for a week due to my traveling. In not keeping the journal I realized I stopped eating regularly. It has been nice -not eating, yet that is not healthy. Already contacted Jeanette about it and have plan.
In session with Lynn today we were talking about a lot of things and I asked her what was going on in my brain when I got the self destructive thoughts and desires to hurt myself. What chemically was happening as it was not like I was purposely making myself have the bad thoughts.
She pulled out this sheet that talked about biological changes in people who are abuse/trauma survivors. As she was listing all these different things she would keep telling me "Remember these are not psychological even though they sound like it". Then she'd say "oh this one is you!" and keep naming them.
She explained that when we are young and either are abused or witness abuse for prolonged time, it actually affects the way the brain develops. So we learn to react in ways that will protect us. She said it is having to redraw pathways in the brain and that is where the DBT class is so valuable. And, as I have been told by others, it is not going to happen overnight.
We were talking about what age I was when I could remember abuse (mental or otherwise). I told her I could remember back to about 9, yet it was always the story that there was abuse in the home when in was still a toddler. She said that even if I wasn't abused, I witnessed it and that was just as bad for the developing brain. I just looked at her and asked, "so this really isn't my fault?" Just as I have been told in session, she also said that, no, it was not my fault. I asked why then did I continue to struggle with feeling like it was. She said that was my immature emotional side struggling with something it couldn't understand.
While we were talking about the "screaming" that has seemed to replace the loudness in my head, I realized something. I told her that I remembered my mom and dad always screaming at each other. I would lie in bed and cover my head with the pillow to try and not hear it. My bedroom was next to theirs and it was a trailer so all I was able to do was muffle it. That was it, that muffled yelling I remembered is the same yelling I keep hearing in my head. Now, I have no clue what to do with that, yet it has a name and a face. A conversation for tomorrow.
And so it is. All I was told today was just additional support of what I am being told in regular session. Oh yah, she also told me to quit thinking so much. There's a task to work on! What's that scripture about in the mouth of two or three witnesses the truth shall be established? Not that I was doubting anyone, just the ongoing power of the dialectic. Same info, different view.