Focus on the good
Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Yes, there is darkness and fear in my head, yet focus on the good. (This could be a song)
When I got up yesterday, I took a few to just sit and think. With the opportunity to go to the temple, what would I focus on, what would I ponder, what answers would I look for. What would be a question I could take in with me and desire an answer or direction. I felt so lost in those thoughts and not the "so deeply in thought" lost, I felt as if I was staring at a blank piece of paper and couldn't find the words to put down. In the end, my simple prayer was that Heavenly Father would help me to simply know the questions I needed to ask in order to keep healing. Whether those would be questions for me to ask Him, ask myself, ask Chris. And, could He help me feel "the good" in my heart. Of course, all these things by His will, not mine.
Charleston still brings warm fuzzies to my heart. I still refer to it as "my town" and I just feel like I "fit" down there. Yah, there were some rough times while living down there, yet it was my place. I can't explain it, yet something in me feels different when I am there. I still believe I made the right choice to move back up here, yet I did leave a part of myself behind.
The temple is simply "heaven on earth" and to be just on the grounds is so uplifting. I didn't get photos, yet the tulips were starting to open and they had some beautiful flowers out by the fountain that, even though it was dreary weather, managed to reflect even the small amount of sunlight that tried to peek through.
Soon the temple will be finished in Indianapolis and I am so excited for that. The shorter drive means that I can go more often. An hour and a half drive versus 3.5 hours will be a nice thing.
As we were in the temple, I tried to stay in the moment and practice my mindfulness. I tried to not "go looking" for some feeling or thought as I knew that if Heavenly Father was going to get something to me, it would be in His way and in His time. He knew what I was seeking. Of course, being human, I had some expectations...or maybe it was hopes.
As I sat in the lobby waiting for my friends before we left, I took the chance to think about the afternoon and all. I was sad, as I felt like I had not found what I had been seeking. Not that the day was bad, I just felt like I had been passed over or something. I figured that was just how it would be, I mean, let's look at what happened a week earlier. I am sure Heavenly Father was still sad with my actions. Maybe I had pushed Him away farther than I thought. I couldn't be upset with Him, it was just another consequence of my actions that, even though I am still trying to understand, exist.
As I sat thinking, I started to ask myself what was I feeling, what had I been feeling. Was I looking so hard for one thing that I may have missed something else. As I sat there I realized I wasn't clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth. If I had been, it had not been to the extremes it has been lately. A small blessing in itself.
I was reminded of an article I read many years ago. A gal was seeking confirmation of the validity of some scripture. She had always heard so many testimonies from others of how they "knew with certainty" of the truthfulness, as they had received a witness through the holy spirit, and her desire was to receive some kind of witness as well. She talks about how she studied, prayed, pondered, and waited for her answer. She soon started to become quite discouraged. Even though she didn't know what or how the answer might come, she expected it to be a memorable "ah-ha" type moment.
As her discouragement grew, she gave up searching for the answer. It was not that she didn't believe, she knew the things to be true, she had no doubt, she just was seeking a "burning bush" confirmation as others had so openly spoke. Her answer finally came, not in some grand gesture or overwhelming feeling. Simply a thought - some people do not need a burning bush because they know the truth of things without question. Their faith is such that without the big "ah-ha" moments, they still believe. There is no reason for a burning bush for them.
I have been reminded of that article many, many times in my life. I find myself always coming back to, "quit looking for something you already know and would not dispute." And there is the key part I am struggling with in regards to wanting to "feel" what I "know" - and would not dispute.
As I sat talking to Janet last night about recent things, she kept saying "you know" whether it was in regards to having people to help me, that I was loved, that I am not supposed to "go to the neighborhood alone" (go to the dark places in my mind), and more. Yah, I do know. I can pull out the Encyclopedia of Blewy and read right there "you are loved, you have a strong support group, you can call on people at anytime for help, you do no have to figure things out by yourself" and more. It is all right there in black and white. Is it wrong to want to feel a part of that? Wise mind says "Yes, I *know* these things rationally and I would like to have them confirmed emotionally." I just am starting to think that adding "and I have that right" to the end of it may not be valid. Well, I do have the right to ask, and Heavenly Father has the right to not answer. I guess the question then becomes, what have I done that I am not allowed some kind of answer.
I just would like to feel, that deep-down-makes-you-cry-because-it-is-so-intense, that love that I know others have for me. I will even go with feeling just one person's love....just one. The primary kids don't count. I know they love me and they are innocent spirits, and cherished angels. It would be nice if it were Heavenly Father's love that I could feel deep down like that again. I know He loves me, as He is kind of bound to having to love me. I know I can list many events that have happened in my life where I can point and say that if He didn't love me, this would not have happened. I get it. My rational mind is so full of facts, events, teachings, and more that is overflows. Is it wrong to ask for a confirmation to fill up the emotional side? Balance things out? Is it wrong to want to deeply feel that? Is it wrong to think that maybe if I can have that deep confirmation of Heavenly Father's love, that it will help me to work toward my own love for myself?
As I sat taking my stitches out this morning (yes, the stitches are gone and now it just itches like crazy), I just kept thinking, "Blewy, you have to find the answers to this." It is hard because I don't know where to start, what to ask myself or others, what direction to go.
I struggle with the thought that if I don't do everything I can first, then asking for help is only me trying to take the easy way out - let someone else figure it out for me, promote my laziness. Yah, I know, not true, yet thoughts that continue to play over and over. I don't want to look at that scar the rest of my life and see disappointment or failure, I would like to see strength and that I overcame a hell of a big wall.
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| Sunrise yesterday on my way to Charleston |
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| "Old Main". Hunter used to think it was the coolest thing that I worked in a castle. |
Soon the temple will be finished in Indianapolis and I am so excited for that. The shorter drive means that I can go more often. An hour and a half drive versus 3.5 hours will be a nice thing.
As we were in the temple, I tried to stay in the moment and practice my mindfulness. I tried to not "go looking" for some feeling or thought as I knew that if Heavenly Father was going to get something to me, it would be in His way and in His time. He knew what I was seeking. Of course, being human, I had some expectations...or maybe it was hopes.
As I sat in the lobby waiting for my friends before we left, I took the chance to think about the afternoon and all. I was sad, as I felt like I had not found what I had been seeking. Not that the day was bad, I just felt like I had been passed over or something. I figured that was just how it would be, I mean, let's look at what happened a week earlier. I am sure Heavenly Father was still sad with my actions. Maybe I had pushed Him away farther than I thought. I couldn't be upset with Him, it was just another consequence of my actions that, even though I am still trying to understand, exist.
As I sat thinking, I started to ask myself what was I feeling, what had I been feeling. Was I looking so hard for one thing that I may have missed something else. As I sat there I realized I wasn't clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth. If I had been, it had not been to the extremes it has been lately. A small blessing in itself.
I was reminded of an article I read many years ago. A gal was seeking confirmation of the validity of some scripture. She had always heard so many testimonies from others of how they "knew with certainty" of the truthfulness, as they had received a witness through the holy spirit, and her desire was to receive some kind of witness as well. She talks about how she studied, prayed, pondered, and waited for her answer. She soon started to become quite discouraged. Even though she didn't know what or how the answer might come, she expected it to be a memorable "ah-ha" type moment.
As her discouragement grew, she gave up searching for the answer. It was not that she didn't believe, she knew the things to be true, she had no doubt, she just was seeking a "burning bush" confirmation as others had so openly spoke. Her answer finally came, not in some grand gesture or overwhelming feeling. Simply a thought - some people do not need a burning bush because they know the truth of things without question. Their faith is such that without the big "ah-ha" moments, they still believe. There is no reason for a burning bush for them.
I have been reminded of that article many, many times in my life. I find myself always coming back to, "quit looking for something you already know and would not dispute." And there is the key part I am struggling with in regards to wanting to "feel" what I "know" - and would not dispute.
As I sat talking to Janet last night about recent things, she kept saying "you know" whether it was in regards to having people to help me, that I was loved, that I am not supposed to "go to the neighborhood alone" (go to the dark places in my mind), and more. Yah, I do know. I can pull out the Encyclopedia of Blewy and read right there "you are loved, you have a strong support group, you can call on people at anytime for help, you do no have to figure things out by yourself" and more. It is all right there in black and white. Is it wrong to want to feel a part of that? Wise mind says "Yes, I *know* these things rationally and I would like to have them confirmed emotionally." I just am starting to think that adding "and I have that right" to the end of it may not be valid. Well, I do have the right to ask, and Heavenly Father has the right to not answer. I guess the question then becomes, what have I done that I am not allowed some kind of answer.
I just would like to feel, that deep-down-makes-you-cry-because-it-is-so-intense, that love that I know others have for me. I will even go with feeling just one person's love....just one. The primary kids don't count. I know they love me and they are innocent spirits, and cherished angels. It would be nice if it were Heavenly Father's love that I could feel deep down like that again. I know He loves me, as He is kind of bound to having to love me. I know I can list many events that have happened in my life where I can point and say that if He didn't love me, this would not have happened. I get it. My rational mind is so full of facts, events, teachings, and more that is overflows. Is it wrong to ask for a confirmation to fill up the emotional side? Balance things out? Is it wrong to want to deeply feel that? Is it wrong to think that maybe if I can have that deep confirmation of Heavenly Father's love, that it will help me to work toward my own love for myself?
I struggle with the thought that if I don't do everything I can first, then asking for help is only me trying to take the easy way out - let someone else figure it out for me, promote my laziness. Yah, I know, not true, yet thoughts that continue to play over and over. I don't want to look at that scar the rest of my life and see disappointment or failure, I would like to see strength and that I overcame a hell of a big wall.