Deep Breath and Prayer

When I went to girl's camp as a youth they would teach you that "you may be the only scripture anyone every reads." It was a simple concept - live what you professed. Live in such a way that people knew what you stood for, what you valued, if you could be trusted. It made sense. It still does. Could you positively affect lives while never saying word? Is your spirit strong enough that it speaks volumes by just being? In silence, could you change someone's life? I got to thinking about this again a few weeks ago. I had gone upstairs to get ice from the gym. It was the first time I had seen many of the athletes since school started and my heart swelled with joy. I find so much joy being around them. I smile, laugh, and always learn a few things. Getting to be in their very presence is energizing and uplifting. I can just stand in the doorway, not even interacting with them, and be enlightened. I joke that I would probably be twice as productive at work if my office wa...

I grasping tonight. Not sure the setup. Too many items and not sure which to choose? No items there to choose from? Can't find the one I really want? Maybe a mix of them all. It's never just simple or obvious. I don't understand how the mind works at times. I often would explain how loud it was in a place. I compared it to a gymnasium full of kids - like when we had to stay inside for lunch recess. So many voices echoing within one another. Sound bouncing from wall to wall with no direction or aim. It all melded together and nothing was distinct. It was that "want to stick my fingers in my ears" loud. In reality, it is quiet. Very quiet. The kind where you have to strain just to hear the buzzing of the light bulb. Yet, I hold my head in my hands and to shut off the noise.  It's so loud. I feel if I remove my hands, my head might explode. Deep down I struggle not to scream out for silence. So loud, in complete silence. I don't know what it is. Emotion? Anxi...

A short while back I did my first Warrior Dash, a 5k obstacle course. The first half muddy terrains, ravines and streams, hills and gullies, and a bit of barbed wire. The second half, mostly man made obstacles to climb, crawl, swing, and conquer. It was something I wanted to do from the day I started my weight loss journey. In my mind I envisioned completing this great challenge and being able to say "look what I did!" Not really looking for much more than "I lost all this weight and look what I was able to do!" It would be challenging, but I was going with friends and it was a chance to play in the mud. I mean, who doesn't like playing in the mud? Plus, I had talked it up so much, I couldn't wait to come back and brag about it! It was a beautiful day. I was nervous and the closer to start time I was feeling unsure and down right scared. What had I really signed up for? No turning back now. Suck it up. It only took about 50 yards for my friends to bolt ahead...

It's just damn nice outside today. Fall is here even though Indian summer is still lurking in the shadows. I had plans today - they involved being around people. I changed them. Ok, so I ducked out on them. Whatever. I wanted to be alone. My mind has been going 400 mph in a stew...yes a stew...of emotions. (I haven't ate for a while, feeling hungry. Just deal with the food references). Lisa and I have worked on slowing my thinking down. Taming the racing thoughts. But this is different. I want to ponder so many things: changes, feelings, choices, events, memories, thoughts, and so on. It's all there. Yes, stew. There they all are, all screaming "pick me! pick me!" It's a little overwhelming, so instead of picking one, I step away from all. Breathe in deep, hold, breathe out slow. Lather, rinse, repeat. No longer screaming, they all sit there and stare at me. Ali always did that. After a while you could feel her eyes on you. She never begged, she just stared. S...

I'm at a juncture in my life. Well, guess I have been at this spot for a bit - time seems to calculate differently when it comes to battles in the mind. I have done a lot of healing and continue to learn how to strengthen my inner self. Of course, all this teaching, learning, work, reporting, and evaluating is amazing...only if I am willing to do it. And I have been. I learned a long time ago that I have to make that final decision to do it...to fight....to fight the fight that is sometimes daily, if not momentary. And thus here I am. I have no intentions of going into great history or "this is how I got here" comments - well, at least not in this post. For this moment, it is writing the post.  Just writing. Again. I am a writer who put down their pen years ago. You see, to truly write, you must have an emotional tie. Through your emotions the words flow and take shape. Words blossom and grow and tie into the emotions you share through - joy, pain, happiness, sorry, ange...