Well that didn't work

This is how it was supposed to work: I would wake up, there would be some guilt and shame and yet I would feel like I could breathe, like the walls were not caving in, like I could stretch my arms and legs out and feel space. This, is the equation.

No, so many times today I held my head in my hands thinking, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to come home as quick as I could and got stuck at work most of the day. When things were quiet and steady, I was not calm, I wanted to keep cutting where I left off.

I checked in across the board, came home, slept. Woke up, still not that answer I was hoping for. Had stopped in Oakwood for Band-Aids. Abby was working, she just hugged me as I stood there in the isle. Showed her my leg and she found me the right box. I couldn't even think straight enough to figure out the right band-aid that I was going to need. I just laid my head on her shoulder. She reminded me that there is a darkness in the air yet we can't let it destroy us.

Called Chris, left message. Hoped to hear her voice other than voice mail message before she leaves, and that's my consequence. There is that part of me that says to leave them all alone - my therapy family. If I can't keep my shit together, don't be wasting their time. Of course that voice tells me the same about my friends. This is what always gets me into trouble.

Tonight, back to bed. Try again tomorrow. Tami in the morning, Mel in the afternoon. Would be lying if I were not nervous about seeing Tami, especially since Mel forwarded her the voice mail I had left when I was in trouble. Would I have left it had I known she was going to forward it? Probably not. We will see how session goes tomorrow first. Yah, still a bit scared there.

And thus it is.