Deep Breath and Prayer

Posts from previous blog known as "Healing my Children and Me" written Aug - Oct 2016. Compiled together in Jan 2019.

I am guessing it is time to move on. Yes, I was sexually abused as a toddler. Not a thing I can do about that. Yes, that revelation of information caused me a lot of distress, cannot change the past. And even though it seemed to answer a lot of questions it also created many more. Is it time to put it all in a box and move on? At some point I have to just shrug my shoulders, say, "yup, that happened" and move on. Is it time? Am I looking for answers that are not there? Am I looking for something that is not even there. A lot of new feelings, emotions, questions, all stirred up. How important is it to identify and answer them? In an email to Chris I compared how I currently feel to that of after a funeral, when everyone has gone home and all is over and you are just there, still kind of numb and not really sure what to do next because everything seems different although it may look the same. Really, it is not that it seems different, it is different. Maybe the world is the sam...

I went with a lighter board as a test, we will see how it holds up. It was hard to cut because it was so big and I don't have a jigsaw. Tried to use the scroll saw but just snapped blades. End up using tin snips and then the magic sander to shape the rough edges out - best purchase I ever made. Next project will be better, I now have the router! Well, not too bad, I think it will pass as a tree. Ah, add a black border, ok, NOW it looks like a tree! Yes, there we go. I can't lie, I was quite surprised that it came out so well, even at this point. I am not even sure what I did there with the trunk, yet it seemed to work. Sometimes you get the best results when you have no clue what you are trying to pull off. Holy cow, by the third iteration, I finally decided on a configuration for a stand. I kind of laugh at this picture as it looks like the board on the right is smiling. ha! leave it to me. My idea was to make something that could sit on the barrels. As well, make something th...

I did. I really did. It's 8pm and I still have so much on my todo list before I can go to bed yet I need a moment to stop and breathe. As well, maybe it will help me put things into some kind of priority. Pay bills is probably number one. Got paid friday and have procrastinated that one. Have not procrastinated spending money aside from the bills though. It will all work out. Laundry is running. Seems when you are playing in sawdust everyday you go through more clothes. Hmm, who knew. Dishes are in the sink in new dishwater. And that leaves putting velcro on six whiffle balls. I think I can pull that all off by midnight. I got the tree done and the stand. Oh that stand. I don't know how many times I changed that silly thing. In the end I came up with one that fits over the water barrel - thus it is smaller, AND it actually can have 2 games attached to it. I already know the next one I am going to made, yet not this week. I decided that the bulk of things would be put togetehr w...

This really should be over in my other blog as it is something I built, yet it is for the ranch, and the ranch is part of my healing, which qualifies to be here. I am hoping that I can show this to Chris on my way to the ranch in the morning, yet just in case, I will post the pictures here. I had hoped to finish the apple tree tonight, yet I just ran out of time. I started getting tired and I was not making good judgments and so I decided it was better to stop. It is ok as it was my goal to have it done by Monday anyways, not tomorrow. I am really happy with the outcome. I am excited to see how they react at the ranch. Just wait till I get the tree done!! It started out like this - scribbles on a piece of paper. I had taken measurements at the ranch and then I got thinking, how cool would it be to make a "pond" that could sit on top of the water barrels? So then I had to figure out the miter angles for an octagon (22.5 degrees) and just let my brain go from there. I bought a ...

I have formed an opinion. I don't like the yellow workbook. How is that for a "tell us what you really think?" Ok, to be fair I guess I should offer an explanation and even with that, I am probably being judgmental. Yesterday I got to this point where once again I reading and they are explaining things and going toward this, what I have labeled the "and this is where you might end up" place. Ok, so early in the book when they noted that as you started working through things it was possible that you could have suicidal thoughts? This. References to thoughts, feelings, emotions, that may come up as you go through the things they have you do. And, all their "what you may feel" comments are very valid and I can stand back and see how one would (and really should) end up in those places. Then there is me. Yup. I don't seem to end up in those places. Now, I know that this is ok as each journey is individual. Got that. Here is the problem, it is hard to k...

Ok, maybe I am not ready to leave this alone just yet. You know me. While driving to work this morning I kept thinking about all of this and I just couldn't leave it alone. Well, maybe it is not that I don't want to celebrate, or that I don't celebrate, maybe it is the way I celebrate. Maybe it is the expectation of how one is to celebrate. Think about it - wouldn't you say that when someone says the word "celebrate" that there is a certain visual that comes to mind? Streamers, balloons, confetti, cheering, etc. That level of reaction is what I have always come to associate with the word. Celebrate = make a big to-do about something. Although I may have a few things that fall under that, I am not a big "to-do" person. Accomplishments and achievements are not bad or the enemy here. Celebrating them are not either. Even recognizing them are not evil. I think my hang-up is the how. Seems that if I can celebrate my accomplishments and achievements (a big...