Deep Breath and Prayer

Ok, everyone can breathe, this is not what it might seem...especially after this week. I cannot seem to handle the lingering smell of "I have a dog" and "I used to have a dog who was old, was in renal failure, and was incontinent." In other words, my house smells like dog pee sometimes and I cannot stand it anymore. Winter has arrived and Tess and I go round and round with the "go outside to pee!" It's not her fault...totally. Yes, she is a willful as I am sometimes. My "I can't deal with one more thing" that also resulted in the dishes almost all being dirty (which I finally got washed), and the clothes that accumulated to look like the blob, taking over my house (washed and dried, although not all folded), and the stove looking like a third world country (it's clean!) also included an inability to cope with peeing in the house incidents. Not proud of it, and it is what it is. There is an answer, rip out the carpet on the back porch ...

I have concluded that I really love this picture. Maybe it is the bear smiling. Maybe it is me not looking in distress. Funny as it may sound, it is like two buddies that are meant to be together. There is a lot being said here even though I don't know the words. I'm happy in this moment, I feel good about myself, I just bought a big teddy bear and felt no guilt or shame. This is the first picture with me where my first thoughts were no about my physical appearance - how much weight I have put on again, and such. I do look tired though, and even with that, there seems to be a piece of "everything is going to be ok." I say, "this is my friend 'Cuddles the Bear'" and he says, "this is my friend 'Blewy'". Bonnie and Clyde were up to their adventures - like crossing the road without looking both ways first. Tina, Ann, and I went for a walk before I left work. We came across a dead squirrel. I took a photo. Then I picked it up ...

Deja vu? Leaving work, I stop by the PT gym. I ask Jeanette if she can (once again) patch me up. My pseudo band-aid job just wasn't cutting it and I needed something to get me through the next couple hours until I got home. She hugs me, fixes me up, hugs me again and tells me to remember that I am important and that I am loved by everyone there at DRES. I nod my head, take another hug, and then leave for DBT group. It is only about 6 weeks away from the same scenario a year ago. Although I can say that I did not have a panic attack and have to leave class this time around. There are just some memories that I wish would go away, and yet I seem to remember them clearly. I think that is my only "bad" memory from DBT with Chris and Karen - that I wasn't tough enough to stick out class that night. Oh well, that was then, this is now. Can't change it. I want to write about yesterday and I am not sure I am far away from it enough to go there. I'm still vulnerable, I ...

 It would appear that while I was having my troubles yesterday, that Tess was having some of her own. I returned home to find Tess with her sweatshirt on...kind of...maybe off??? I am not even sure how she managed this, yet I guess maybe she was going for an 80's off the shoulder look?? She did not seem distressed by it, and it looked really uncomfortable to me. then again I do not normally put my arm and my head through the head hole. Whatever works I guess. You go Tess.

<--- Hey look, my mini cupcake foil pan fits in the toaster oven. Ok, so the full size cupcake one doesn't, will have to cut it down to 4 instead of 6, yet this is a happy moment and I need one of those right now. Thought I was ahead of this head games crap by the time I left Chris' today. Must have been the "welcome back" hell project I have been working on non-stop for two days at work that has kept me distracted. All I know is that when I sat down to eat my lunch.....at 5:00 tonight (yes, my lunch) it all came rushing back. I guess sometimes you can put things "on the shelf" and they stay there, and other times they fall right in your lap. I think I need to fix the shelf or start taping things up there. Still struggling with the desire to hurt myself. I can't seem to shake it. I know the questions I would be asked - what am I doing with those thoughts, am I entertaining them - throwing fire on them, am I just acknowledging their existence and them ...

I have kept a "genealogy" of the sister missionaries since Feb 2013 when we first got them in our congregation. There were too many Elders to try and do the same. In the two years we have had them, 21 sister missionaries have come through Danville and I am so blessed to have known them all. Woodward and Lowe Woodward, Lowe, Collett Sudweeks and Scott Scott and Sudweeks Bailey and Scott Vilignia and Bailey Eustice and Vilignia Robertson and Eustice Kofford and Robertson Kofford and Robertson Kofford and Biddle Biddle and Petrie Petrie and Ramirez Law and Ramirez Biddle (on exchanges) and Law Dahlberg and Erickson Erickson Henrie and Turpin Turpin and Peel

As I have shared many of times, Valentine's day used to be a favorite holiday. That was a few...well ok, over 12 years ago. I do still send Watts a v-day text and it always makes my day when she answers. These past few days have been a little rough. Friday night the "I hate you" thoughts started screaming in my head and keep hounding on me. It is like everytime I stop and take a moment to breathe, that is the thing I hear over and over until I get myself distracted or go to sleep. Of course it never comes alone...the desire to hurt myself seems to accompany quite well lately. It is like I get angry at myself. Not sure what about, as silly as it might sound, I think part of it is because I am doing better. There is this quiet "you don't deserve this" thought that rolls around and that is what has me thinking the doing well and wanting to beat myself down us related. Would be OK if it was a "wow, look at you, you don't deserve this yet enjoy it" ...