POTD and Thoughts - Feb 18
Leaving work, I stop by the PT gym. I ask Jeanette if she can (once again) patch me up. My pseudo band-aid job just wasn't cutting it and I needed something to get me through the next couple hours until I got home.
She hugs me, fixes me up, hugs me again and tells me to remember that I am important and that I am loved by everyone there at DRES. I nod my head, take another hug, and then leave for DBT group.
It is only about 6 weeks away from the same scenario a year ago. Although I can say that I did not have a panic attack and have to leave class this time around. There are just some memories that I wish would go away, and yet I seem to remember them clearly. I think that is my only "bad" memory from DBT with Chris and Karen - that I wasn't tough enough to stick out class that night. Oh well, that was then, this is now. Can't change it.
I want to write about yesterday and I am not sure I am far away from it enough to go there. I'm still vulnerable, I am still struggling. The voices are still loud and the desire to finish what I started still lingers. Maybe knowing the reason I am in this spot helps - something I didn't have until earlier today. It doesn't change the intensity, yet at least I know that I just have to hang in there until I get meds back in my system and until the psych withdrawal runs its course. Sure wish I could remember how long it took last time. I just shake my head as I looked at Chris the other day and said "you will help me get through this when it happens, right?" (she said yes) and then I totally missed the fact it was happening.
This is not what happened last time with the withdrawal. Last time I was fine until that last pill was gone. I still have pills, I still have the pill bottle - for now. Tomorrow it goes to Chris. I imagine that is going to add some distress, yet how much more can we put on top of all of this? Seriously, I am still walking around going, "I really want to hurt myself."
I don't think that I am as mad at myself as I was last night or earlier today. I was so pissed at myself last night after we met with Chris. We walked out of the office and I just looked at 35 and said, "I just want to hit something right now." I think the only reason I didn't is because she was with me. Not going to lie, I could not admit to much, yet I did keep saying all day long that I couldn't be alone. And I would like to think that I get some small pat on the back for realizing that and then doing the best I could to not be alone. There has to be a "I did something right" in all of that somewhere.
To tell the truth, I cannot remember what the deal was I made in order to get the ok to go home. There were things in that conversation that I really wanted to say and I couldn't bring myself to say them. Maybe part was because I knew what the consequence was of saying them, maybe it was because I knew Chris had to make a call at 8 and I was not going to be the cause of that being late. Everyone had done a lot for me up to that point and some of things I wanted to say at that moment, I just couldn't bring myself to say them.
The majority of them did get said, after we were gone and headed back to get my keys. I think it was the "I really want to just hurt myself bad" that about got the truck turned around before we even got on the main road. I believe that 35's response was something to the effect of, "Oh hell no, you are not going home and we are going back to Washo." It got a little....um...not even sure what the word would be...at that moment. Of course I threw out "can't bother her, she's on a call" which got me a "I will go knock on her window." And then I started in with the begging and pleading which included "I just said I wanted to, not that I was going to." Somewhere in there we came to an agreement and then I continued with the other things that were on my mind. 35 just looked at me and said, "I get it, I really do."
Not sure why I didn't get out of the truck when we got back up to the office. Maybe it was some unsaid understanding that I wasn't at that point yet to leave and drive....and neither was 35. Cannot tell you what triggered the next hour - hour and a half, yet it got us both to a better place - a place I didn't believe I could get to after the day I had gone through. I sure laughed a lot. I'm laughing now just thinking about it. That's good, I need memories like that to draw on. It was good.....for both of us.
I would like to think that even though I ended up on 24 hour lock down (this is what I have decided to call it), that I did good things. I left the office to go home because I was trying to run away from things. I needed it all to stop and it was only getting louder and more intense. I was already hurt at that point, not bad, yet enough that it had already set off the "you are in trouble alarm" and I was scared and so I ran, well I tried to.
As the car warmed up, I picked up where I had left off, except now I was angry which meant I wanted to cause myself pain and destruction. There was a part of me saying "go get help, go now" and luckily I couldn't bring myself to put the car into drive and leave. I turned the car off, and took a deep breath. I kept telling myself, and finally started saying it out loud, "you are in trouble, you need help. Do not be afraid, just go get help." I made an attempt, just a little too late to successfully follow through. I headed back to the car and I would not let myself get back in it. I was still in trouble and I knew it, and I did not know (or could not thing of) how to get help at that point. Karen was in session, Chris and Legend were gone, and there I stood in the parking lot, not having a clue what to do. I finally decided that I needed to be inside, thus taking the driving temptation away (especially since by that time I was not safe to drive anymore).
I kind of have a thing with the back stairwell. It is a place I can go that I am still "at the office" and yet I am not fighting the "being a bother" thoughts. I knew Chris had to (well, most likely would) come in the back door and so I told myself to just sit there until Chris came, she would know what to do.
I had texted 35 earlier in the day asking what she had going on tonight - yes, still have a long way to go on that asking directly thing. She had replied that she just needed to rest. I replied my standard ok and left it at that. It is my guess that God had something to do with her texting me again while I was in the stairwell. I still couldn't be direct for a couple exchanges and then I shared that I was struggling and did not want to be alone to which she replied to come on over.
Knowing that I could not drive, I just put it out there and I needed help. Told her I was not safe to drive and I was hurt and I was afraid I was going to hurt myself more. I did not expect the next text to be "where are you" and then "I will be there in 10 minutes." I wish I could say I sat there calm and safe until she got there and that would be a lie. When she eased the door open I had a sense of relief as I knew I was going to be safe and a big shot of embarrassment as I was anxious, rocking, and tripping over my words. I was at that place I never wanted 35 to see me at and there was no way I could even cover it up. She sat down, looked at me, and pretty much told me what was going to happen. I don't think she realized how direct she was and that was fine because that is what I needed at that moment - someone to tell me how things were going to play out next.
There were a lot of things happening all at once, many which I was not able to really process until I was home, in bed, and just letting my mind try and relax. I guess the big one was "help came" - I put out there (finally) that I was in trouble, and help really came. I wasn't made to feel guilty for asking nor invalidated because I was not coping to some unrealistic standard. There was no speech minimizing my distress because "you think you have it bad, well, no one (hurts as much, works as hard, is as sick) as me." I was not berated. It was ok to be in distress, it was ok to be scared, it was ok to not be able to think straight, it was ok that I had hurt myself (well, no that was not an ideal thing, yet I was not shamed over it) and the help was genuine in all that was said and done.
35 sent me a long text when I was headed home. She brought up a few things that I have been told before, and maybe I just in the spot to realize those things really are top issues. As well, although I never wish distress and all its components on anyone, there is a comfort that comes from someone saying, I have been/am still in that spot too. I would like to read it to Chris tomorrow and talk about it.
So, anyways, it is well past midnight. Should have been in bed hours ago and I knew I had sit and write this - not out of obligation, yet because I needed to start processing things, even if it was just a little bit. I figure that it is going to take a few days to get the darkness and voices to quiet back down and I will just have to keep myself busy and distracted in the meantime. I have plenty that I can do. I think that the hardest piece of it is going to be continually convincing myself that I really am safe by myself, that I may want to be around someone, yet it is not a requirement. I will get through it.
Tami told me today that in my distress I most likely just need a hug and I will be able to make it a little longer (even if I think I can't). I have been encouraged to go get a hug...lots of hugs....as much as I can while I keep healing. Yah, Tami definitely earned her money with me today, and I am grateful that she was willing to be in contact with me as much as she was.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully more strength to keep fighting. What does my bracelet say, "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."