POTD and Thoughts - Feb 14

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As I have shared many of times, Valentine's day used to be a favorite holiday. That was a few...well ok, over 12 years ago. I do still send Watts a v-day text and it always makes my day when she answers.

These past few days have been a little rough. Friday night the "I hate you" thoughts started screaming in my head and keep hounding on me. It is like everytime I stop and take a moment to breathe, that is the thing I hear over and over until I get myself distracted or go to sleep. Of course it never comes alone...the desire to hurt myself seems to accompany quite well lately. It is like I get angry at myself. Not sure what about, as silly as it might sound, I think part of it is because I am doing better.

There is this quiet "you don't deserve this" thought that rolls around and that is what has me thinking the doing well and wanting to beat myself down us related. Would be OK if it was a "wow, look at you, you don't deserve this yet enjoy it" versus "you are only fooling yourself, you don't deserve this and I am going to make sure you know it."

Sometimes I just want to hurt myself bad to get the negative thoughts to shut up. Seriously, I know that is not good to think, yet their hounding gets old after a while and I do wonder if just giving into them will make it go away for a while. It has in the past. Not healthy, yet it works.

Heard from 35 tonight. Although it was just a text, I could hear the happiness at that moment in her voice. Hope she can keep that going when she gets back. Our conversations have been rough lately and I have been really worried about her. Sometimes I am not sure who is helping hold who up, we do seem to swap that role - guess that is why we get along so well. We laughed once that if we were both really down at the same time (and admitted it), that it would not be good for either one of us and Chris would probably have to charge overtime! I think we said that she would just have to put one of us in each chair and go for it since we most likely would need to hear the same thing.

Well, it is bed time. Get to sleep before the voices start giving me hell again. Another vday gone by, yet after 17 years, my girl still lets me love her, even if it is one sided.

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