Deep Breath and Prayer

The first "chapter" in the workbook is about finding/creating a safe place. If I have learned nothing else in DBT, I do know the importance of this. There is that piece of me that is all "hey, you know this, just skip it" and that is the perfect reason why I should not skip it. I've walked around all day with both rings on my left hand. We all know what that means. I am pretty proud of myself that I have gone almost 6 hours this way and nothing has happened. Only once has the thought to put my ring back on my right hand crossed my mind. I started to, then I stopped and left it where it was. In my mind I see Chris' white board with the little circled steps. Where can we intervene....here? here? here? here? I point to a spot, I say, "here, when I move my ring to my left hand." I'm not really sure what I am waiting on, or not waiting on. It is just where I am, kind of a standing here thing. Like long ago when I used to write about sitting down in ...

My past opened up a new door and it held something horrible behind it. Memories, feelings, emotions, triggers, and a whole mountain of things that there are either not words for or I do not have a clue how to name. It has not only taken my breath away, it has pinned me to a wall, staring into my eyes, deep into my soul, scaring the living hell out of me. As I put on my day to day show for the world, I am pinned there, almost paralyzed, afraid that every word, every move, every thought, is going to be wrong. The new box of hell is bad enough, yet with it comes an unloading of old things I thought were either long gone or at least at a level of "not that scary anymore." And it is bad stuff. This is the threat of self harm, and it is hard to explain when I add that it is a tougher fight. Let me see if I can find a way because as I write this one might think that it sounds like it would be easier to deal with.  Working through the self harming behaviors was not easy, and it is a ...

Posts from previous blog known as "Blewy99" written Jan - July 2016. Compiled together in Jan 2019.

Tackle Box Tackle #1 Tackle #2 Tackle #3 Tackle #4 Tackle #5 Tackle #6 Stringer Pole and working reel Fish - emotion side Fish - glitter side Bucket "Test Fish"

These guys got their emotion! Love you Sharpie metallic! Livened up the pole with some glitter tape but realized it was loose glitter, so I took it out for some clear coating to get it to seal. Did not think that you would be for glitter everywhere. As I look around my house right now, I think I can honestly say that you are not up for that. Now we got Elmo and officially 6 lures!! Time for the other side of the fish to get clear coated!! OH CRAP!!!! Clear coat and the googly eyes don't mix. Why didn't I think of that. Ok, time to pop off all the eyes. Yup, am thinking of every "caught a fish in the eyeball" story I, or anyone I know has had. Yup, am taking a box knife (I know, I am in possession of a box knife) and popping the eyeballs off the fish. It is ok, I know a good therapist if anyone needs to talk about this. Meanwhile, while all is drying, might as well put those sharpie's to use a little more. and a little more And some assembly and adjustment...later ...

Seems 4 things of glitter was a little much, some light sanding took care of that. Ah, clear coat. Tess went and hid in the bedroom. Seeing that several coats were put on, I may have gotten a contact high. I had tried to sand the reel, then had tried to paint the reel, then tried sanding it again. There was no hope. This was the moment of, "well, crap, that is not going to work." Followed by, well, let's try this idea. A sketched template, a couple pieces cut out on the scroll saw, some sanding, and a prayer that what I saw in my head would actually work out. At least I was able to salvage a few parts from the previous setup. Remember I said my Grandpa Blew would show back up? This was assembled using his hammer and his old box of brads. Yup, he was inspiring me to make this work out! A little adjusting and trimming for a handle and spool..... I think this will work....yup. I do think that this will work. Ah, a return to inside and the coffee table from hell. Looks like s...

A break, a nap, and a return to see if the fish had dried enough to add some glitter! But first....worms! I was not sure what I was going to do for lures yet. I thought I could try and make a worm with a big head to put a magnet on. Freehand a worm on the scroll saw, yah that was my idea. Yah, that was my idea....and my idea again...and again....and again....and then I decided I would come up with some other idea. No scroll saw worms......like, let's forget that was even an idea. Ah, the best of being outside....paint dry. Ann had asked if there was going to be glitter involved. I was like, well, I could glitter the side that doesn't have words....and thus, that is what happened. Spray adhesive and 4 tubes of neon glitter later.... Yah, some light sanding and those will be awesome.