Reflecting
Thanksgiving is this next week and that means a lot of time for reflection. I see a few of these being written. I truly think if I started listing all that I was thankful for I would still be writing this come Thanksgiving 2014. Be not afraid, the joint pain in my hands lately makes for a challenge to type the long posts I already do, they would never last much longer!
There are many things I am truly grateful for this year that in the past I could never bring myself to verbalize. I'm not going to say I was in denial over things as I acknowledged their existence, I would say - from my current learning opportunities - that is was pretty much willfulness over willingness. I can own it - when life sucks you are not jumping up and down to exclaim that you are thankful for it.
And this year, for the first time in a very long time (possibly for the first time), I am thankful for life.
Sure, there are still days that suck. There are days that I just wish I could crawl back under the covers and start over. Yet, this is just life - and an amazing part of it. How could we learn and grow and experience new thoughts and ideas without some bad days? Although I hope for more good days over bad days, I do think that if it were rainbows and puppy dogs everyday it might get a little stale.
I'm thankful for the hell I found myself in this past summer. Yes, now that I'm four months out, I can look back and say this. Without that experience, things would not have been put into motion that have put me on a path of healing that, although I guess I knew existed, I never felt worthy to walk. With that, I will be eternally grateful for the two individuals who followed the promptings of the spirit and showed up at my house that night. Having already "tossed one foot over the ledge," Heavenly Father knew they were the only ones who could talk me down. May they be forever blessed.
I am thankful for my white binder of skills and all who are associated with it. It does not get too far from me and generally is found by my computer at home, in my car, or on my desk at work. It has become more than just words on pages, it is more like those restoration books I buy for the cars I work on. As much as I like to fiddle around and try to figure things out on my own, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and look at the directions - big grin!
Today, I am thankful for blue jeans with flannel lining. I am thankful that I have lost enough weight to purchase a few pair of these. It brings joy to my heart that they came in "carpenter" style because I find something really cool about the side pocket on the right and the hammer loop on the left. Yes, I come from a lineage of carpenters and I am ever so proud of it. I have a mug in my office that says "I love the smell of sawdust first thing in the morning." My father and grandfathers and the generations of builders before them would all be smiling at my choice in pants! And they are size 38!! A long way from the size 56 I was wearing a year and a half ago. And....they look good on me! Yes, I went there. I just made an affirming statement about myself. Suck it up people, I look good in my flannel lined carpenter jeans that are rolled at the bottom. And today, with my black boots and long sleeved white shirt, I look amazing. (oh! there's another one! Should we start counting them?) I guess my "secondary" thankfulness of this is that I can now take those damn girly jeans and toss them in the pile of denim growing on my back porch. (Not that there is anything wrong with girly jeans, I just don't prefer them). All hail the hammer loop!
I am thankful for the inner strength I have been helped to find that allows me to stand and say that I am a good person. That I don't fear life. That I can take each day as a new adventure. That I can shout once again from at the top of my lungs that I am of worth. I am thankful that, even with these big steps, I remain humble knowing I still have a ways to go. I am thankful for the angels in both heaven and earth that Heavenly Father has placed in my path to help me in this battle. I would say "sprinkles for everyone" yet it is possible that not everyone is as obsessed with sprinkles as I am. So whatever each person finds as their "_______ always makes me happy" may they have an overabundance of it. For me, it's sprinkles. I'm not even picky, it could be the tiny balls, or the colored sugar crystals, or the ones that aren't round but look more like mouse poop. Sprinkles always make me smile and remind me that it is always going to be ok. Until they retired, the ladies who worked in the deli in our local store since I was a little kid would always put sprinkles on my donuts. Even as an adult, I didn't have to ask, they always remembered. Yup, I'm unique and I am good with that. You know how you scare me? "U-neek-up" on me!
I am thankful that through the years, even in times where I felt I had lost everything including hope, I have kept a sense of humor. Keeping it reigned-in sometimes is a challenge, yet it is a defining characteristic that I delight in. The first night of class, in order to introduce ourselves, a basket was passed around that had several different questions in it. These were questions like "what's your favorite book" or "if you could be an animal, what would it be" and allowed us to share something in a non-threatening manner. A few weeks into the class a new person joined us and the basket came out for an encore performance. I would just like to state that I am very proud of my restraint that night. The person the basket went to after me got the question "if you could take only one item with you on a deserted island, what would it be?" (or similar to that). Dude, my heart just started racing and I really wanted to throw my hand in the air and start going "can I answer that! can I answer that!" This question is one of my favorites. I have annoyed many of my friends and family for years with it. It is a simple answer - I would take a car door. There is a part of me that just wants to wait until the very end of this post to even write why I would take a car door, yet, since we are going into the holiday season, I will defer being ornery and answer here. Why would I take a car door? Because when it gets hot, I can roll down the window!! Yes, I am audibly laughing right now. I think this is one the greatest jokes. And the best part - I have nephews who had never heard it before. It's like it has been able to take on a whole new life!!!! It has even become an abbreviated joke - I look at my nephew and say "car door" and he replies "roll window down" and we both laugh like we are keepers of some secret coded information! Yes, I love my sense of humor. <--- ah! another one...there could be a pattern here!
And, I am eternally (and if there is something longer and greater than eternity, it would be that) for my nephews. For all my family and especially for those four boys. Although the oldest is out on his own and I only get to see him a few times a year, I am continually blessed by them. I remember when I first met the two oldest, they had to be around 4 and 7. This was a lot of pressure - I was new and first impressions with kids are everything. What could I possibly do to impress them enough that they would let "Aunt Blewy" into their circle of trust? Boys...young boys...young boys who like gross things...I got this. I won the hearts of my two oldest nephews by belching the alphabet and showing them how I could chew up food and let my brother's dog eat it off my tongue. Toss in blowing balloons up with my nose and the deal was signed, sealed, and delivered. Even now, almost 15 years later and with two more to the mix, I'm still just as cool as I was on day one. I love my boys. I am ever to thankful that I have been allowed to be such a big part of their lives. The youngest, who is now 7 himself, from the time he could toddle around, would come jump in your lap and without any prompting would hug you and exclaim "I love you." He still does it to this day. I'm thankful that they feel safe with me and that they feel they can come and talk to me anytime about anything (to which they do and which finds me calling my brother going "aren't YOU supposed to be having these kinds of talks with them?"). Yup, those are Blewy's Boys.
And that is just a little of what I am thankful for today.
There are many things I am truly grateful for this year that in the past I could never bring myself to verbalize. I'm not going to say I was in denial over things as I acknowledged their existence, I would say - from my current learning opportunities - that is was pretty much willfulness over willingness. I can own it - when life sucks you are not jumping up and down to exclaim that you are thankful for it.
And this year, for the first time in a very long time (possibly for the first time), I am thankful for life.
Sure, there are still days that suck. There are days that I just wish I could crawl back under the covers and start over. Yet, this is just life - and an amazing part of it. How could we learn and grow and experience new thoughts and ideas without some bad days? Although I hope for more good days over bad days, I do think that if it were rainbows and puppy dogs everyday it might get a little stale.
I'm thankful for the hell I found myself in this past summer. Yes, now that I'm four months out, I can look back and say this. Without that experience, things would not have been put into motion that have put me on a path of healing that, although I guess I knew existed, I never felt worthy to walk. With that, I will be eternally grateful for the two individuals who followed the promptings of the spirit and showed up at my house that night. Having already "tossed one foot over the ledge," Heavenly Father knew they were the only ones who could talk me down. May they be forever blessed.
I am thankful for my white binder of skills and all who are associated with it. It does not get too far from me and generally is found by my computer at home, in my car, or on my desk at work. It has become more than just words on pages, it is more like those restoration books I buy for the cars I work on. As much as I like to fiddle around and try to figure things out on my own, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and look at the directions - big grin!
Today, I am thankful for blue jeans with flannel lining. I am thankful that I have lost enough weight to purchase a few pair of these. It brings joy to my heart that they came in "carpenter" style because I find something really cool about the side pocket on the right and the hammer loop on the left. Yes, I come from a lineage of carpenters and I am ever so proud of it. I have a mug in my office that says "I love the smell of sawdust first thing in the morning." My father and grandfathers and the generations of builders before them would all be smiling at my choice in pants! And they are size 38!! A long way from the size 56 I was wearing a year and a half ago. And....they look good on me! Yes, I went there. I just made an affirming statement about myself. Suck it up people, I look good in my flannel lined carpenter jeans that are rolled at the bottom. And today, with my black boots and long sleeved white shirt, I look amazing. (oh! there's another one! Should we start counting them?) I guess my "secondary" thankfulness of this is that I can now take those damn girly jeans and toss them in the pile of denim growing on my back porch. (Not that there is anything wrong with girly jeans, I just don't prefer them). All hail the hammer loop!
I am thankful for the inner strength I have been helped to find that allows me to stand and say that I am a good person. That I don't fear life. That I can take each day as a new adventure. That I can shout once again from at the top of my lungs that I am of worth. I am thankful that, even with these big steps, I remain humble knowing I still have a ways to go. I am thankful for the angels in both heaven and earth that Heavenly Father has placed in my path to help me in this battle. I would say "sprinkles for everyone" yet it is possible that not everyone is as obsessed with sprinkles as I am. So whatever each person finds as their "_______ always makes me happy" may they have an overabundance of it. For me, it's sprinkles. I'm not even picky, it could be the tiny balls, or the colored sugar crystals, or the ones that aren't round but look more like mouse poop. Sprinkles always make me smile and remind me that it is always going to be ok. Until they retired, the ladies who worked in the deli in our local store since I was a little kid would always put sprinkles on my donuts. Even as an adult, I didn't have to ask, they always remembered. Yup, I'm unique and I am good with that. You know how you scare me? "U-neek-up" on me!
I am thankful that through the years, even in times where I felt I had lost everything including hope, I have kept a sense of humor. Keeping it reigned-in sometimes is a challenge, yet it is a defining characteristic that I delight in. The first night of class, in order to introduce ourselves, a basket was passed around that had several different questions in it. These were questions like "what's your favorite book" or "if you could be an animal, what would it be" and allowed us to share something in a non-threatening manner. A few weeks into the class a new person joined us and the basket came out for an encore performance. I would just like to state that I am very proud of my restraint that night. The person the basket went to after me got the question "if you could take only one item with you on a deserted island, what would it be?" (or similar to that). Dude, my heart just started racing and I really wanted to throw my hand in the air and start going "can I answer that! can I answer that!" This question is one of my favorites. I have annoyed many of my friends and family for years with it. It is a simple answer - I would take a car door. There is a part of me that just wants to wait until the very end of this post to even write why I would take a car door, yet, since we are going into the holiday season, I will defer being ornery and answer here. Why would I take a car door? Because when it gets hot, I can roll down the window!! Yes, I am audibly laughing right now. I think this is one the greatest jokes. And the best part - I have nephews who had never heard it before. It's like it has been able to take on a whole new life!!!! It has even become an abbreviated joke - I look at my nephew and say "car door" and he replies "roll window down" and we both laugh like we are keepers of some secret coded information! Yes, I love my sense of humor. <--- ah! another one...there could be a pattern here!
And, I am eternally (and if there is something longer and greater than eternity, it would be that) for my nephews. For all my family and especially for those four boys. Although the oldest is out on his own and I only get to see him a few times a year, I am continually blessed by them. I remember when I first met the two oldest, they had to be around 4 and 7. This was a lot of pressure - I was new and first impressions with kids are everything. What could I possibly do to impress them enough that they would let "Aunt Blewy" into their circle of trust? Boys...young boys...young boys who like gross things...I got this. I won the hearts of my two oldest nephews by belching the alphabet and showing them how I could chew up food and let my brother's dog eat it off my tongue. Toss in blowing balloons up with my nose and the deal was signed, sealed, and delivered. Even now, almost 15 years later and with two more to the mix, I'm still just as cool as I was on day one. I love my boys. I am ever to thankful that I have been allowed to be such a big part of their lives. The youngest, who is now 7 himself, from the time he could toddle around, would come jump in your lap and without any prompting would hug you and exclaim "I love you." He still does it to this day. I'm thankful that they feel safe with me and that they feel they can come and talk to me anytime about anything (to which they do and which finds me calling my brother going "aren't YOU supposed to be having these kinds of talks with them?"). Yup, those are Blewy's Boys.
And that is just a little of what I am thankful for today.