Ambivalence
Every thing feels different. Not everything, yet every [space] thing. I haven't been able to let this go since last evening. Life looks different, like my whole perception has shifted or something, as if what I know/knew has changed. It is not that it is bad (at least I don't think so) yet it is different. I am not sure what to do with this feeling, then again, I am not fully sure what the feeling is. I can't seem to shake it though.
If I had to try and explain it, it may not make much sense. It is almost like joy and sorrow, yet at the same time. I am excited and yet I feel heartbroken. Wait, we learned what this was a few weeks ago in class...ambivalence, the coexisting of opposite things.
I am continually excited about the new things I am learning and how I am able to apply those things in my life. When I apply them and see a positive result, I am super excited. I get excited to look down the line a bit and see what I can try to fix/change next. This is how it has been for the most part: See it, look at it, evaluate it, change/fix it, good result, happy dance. I am like a little kid who just learned how to tie their shoes and wants to show it off to everyone. For someone who likes to hide in the back row, there is a part of me that wants to shout "look at me! look at me! look what I learned! look what I did!"
I have learned that even in the difficult moments, there is always a healthy option (if we choose to seek it out). It seems that there is always a way to get through times, no matter how tough they may seem. It is like I can feel the overshadowing darkness that has existed for so long lifting and dissipating and the thought "it will be back soon" is no longer attached.
To awaken and look at the day with joy instead of dread resonates deeply. I would like to think it says a lot about how I am doing and healing (preferably positive). And, even though it takes me being prompted to say it, I am proud of myself. I'm working my tail off. I am ok and I am going to make it. With that, I would like to think that at least some of those who are rolling along with me through all of this are proud of me too. [Ha! I can hear a certain person's voice now, "and what if they are not?" To which my reply is, "I'd be sad, yet I would still be proud of myself."]
As I was going through all this last night (and as it continues to linger today), I realize that parallel with the joy, there is heartache. I am not as good at describing this side of the emotional scale. There is sadness, almost a mourning. A desire for someone to come put their arms around you and hold you while you cry. Not say anything, just be there to comfort you and let you grieve.
At a certain level, my life will never be the same (and this is ok). I am having to learn to do things different in order to be and stay healthy. From the way I think, to the way I interact, to my daily routines, all is changing - and at quite a rapid rate. I feel that all I knew and all I did is becoming no more. It doesn't work, it doesn't fit the plan - square peg, round hole.
As I pick up a new skills or learn how to apply healthier options, the old is replaced. It seems that a lot of the old is being replaced. I am not sure what this translates to - was I really that messed up? Yah, probably so, yet the old got me through a lot of years, it is a part of me. It is like having to say goodbye to an old friend. Not just a "oh see you" goodbye, yet more like a friend who is slowly dying. Each day a little more of them is disappearing and you know that one morning you will wake up and they are going to be gone. I may becoming the "new and improved" Blewy, yet the old Blewy was a good person too.
I am not sure if this is how healing goes or not. I am guessing that the process is similar to others I have inquired about - there really is no right/wrong way, it just happens as it happens. The experience may be different for everyone, as no two people are alike. Doesn't mean I will stop moving forward, yet even though good and exciting things are resulting from it, a part of me is grieving too.
If I had to try and explain it, it may not make much sense. It is almost like joy and sorrow, yet at the same time. I am excited and yet I feel heartbroken. Wait, we learned what this was a few weeks ago in class...ambivalence, the coexisting of opposite things.
I am continually excited about the new things I am learning and how I am able to apply those things in my life. When I apply them and see a positive result, I am super excited. I get excited to look down the line a bit and see what I can try to fix/change next. This is how it has been for the most part: See it, look at it, evaluate it, change/fix it, good result, happy dance. I am like a little kid who just learned how to tie their shoes and wants to show it off to everyone. For someone who likes to hide in the back row, there is a part of me that wants to shout "look at me! look at me! look what I learned! look what I did!"
I have learned that even in the difficult moments, there is always a healthy option (if we choose to seek it out). It seems that there is always a way to get through times, no matter how tough they may seem. It is like I can feel the overshadowing darkness that has existed for so long lifting and dissipating and the thought "it will be back soon" is no longer attached.
To awaken and look at the day with joy instead of dread resonates deeply. I would like to think it says a lot about how I am doing and healing (preferably positive). And, even though it takes me being prompted to say it, I am proud of myself. I'm working my tail off. I am ok and I am going to make it. With that, I would like to think that at least some of those who are rolling along with me through all of this are proud of me too. [Ha! I can hear a certain person's voice now, "and what if they are not?" To which my reply is, "I'd be sad, yet I would still be proud of myself."]
As I was going through all this last night (and as it continues to linger today), I realize that parallel with the joy, there is heartache. I am not as good at describing this side of the emotional scale. There is sadness, almost a mourning. A desire for someone to come put their arms around you and hold you while you cry. Not say anything, just be there to comfort you and let you grieve.
At a certain level, my life will never be the same (and this is ok). I am having to learn to do things different in order to be and stay healthy. From the way I think, to the way I interact, to my daily routines, all is changing - and at quite a rapid rate. I feel that all I knew and all I did is becoming no more. It doesn't work, it doesn't fit the plan - square peg, round hole.
As I pick up a new skills or learn how to apply healthier options, the old is replaced. It seems that a lot of the old is being replaced. I am not sure what this translates to - was I really that messed up? Yah, probably so, yet the old got me through a lot of years, it is a part of me. It is like having to say goodbye to an old friend. Not just a "oh see you" goodbye, yet more like a friend who is slowly dying. Each day a little more of them is disappearing and you know that one morning you will wake up and they are going to be gone. I may becoming the "new and improved" Blewy, yet the old Blewy was a good person too.
I am not sure if this is how healing goes or not. I am guessing that the process is similar to others I have inquired about - there really is no right/wrong way, it just happens as it happens. The experience may be different for everyone, as no two people are alike. Doesn't mean I will stop moving forward, yet even though good and exciting things are resulting from it, a part of me is grieving too.