One step at a time
Happy 100th post! Am moving a little out of the norm and writing earlier in the day. I have a few projects on my plate for today - one is a web client that I have got to get caught up on. As much as I don't want to spend the whole day on it, I have got to take a deep breath and just go for it. Besides, I will have to write a blurb later tonight for my "what I did for myself today" so, I will still get to make a late night post.
It has been hard "doing things" again after this summer. I have been in this "do only what you have to do" and then maybe try to do more if you can. I get overwhelmed so easy now. I am not sure how to explain it because there is a difference.
So, used to, I could juggle the world, my life, and all other things thrown my way. Sure, I may not have done it in the most healthy of ways, yet I could do it. It would exhaust me across the board and again, I could pull it off. As long as I kept moving, doing, juggling, staying busy, the reality of "doing way too much and not thinking of yourself" was kept at a distance. Yes, it was the live version of running when I was weary and walking when I was faint. Guess there is a reason we have that verse (Isaiah 40:31) to remind us not to do that.
There is a part of me that is scared to jump back into things. It is even hard to just move slowly to the edge of the water. I think that is why when I am able to go and do something (like finish a project at work, do my 5k or get out with the team, or try to go out and spend time with others), and actually complete it, I get really excited about it - probably more than I should.
It is not just fun activities, it is everything. Everything seems so big. Seeing the whole picture used to be my strength, now it just freaks me out. It is not that I am afraid of the size of the project (or whatever the activity may be), and I am not really afraid of getting overwhelmed (as that is kind of the norm in my life), although my greatest challenge continues to be my fear of what I will do when I get overwhelmed. I don't trust myself. I am afraid to trust myself. I am afraid that even with all the things I have learned over these past many months, that when I get to that point, I won't be able to do it and I will choose wrong (pretty similar to my fear of facing and feeling anger).
Therefore, when I am working on something and it starts getting more complex, or harder, or requiring that extra-mile effort, my flight or fight senses go into autopilot and I feel that wave of "you are not going to be able to handle this" start to come on. If it just eased in and didn't hit like a brick wall maybe it would be a little better. And, of course it does not really care if it is an opportune time or not to make its appearance.
Life is so big and I can't handle it like I used to and that, in itself, just frustrates the hell out of me. I get upset with myself because I can't get past these barriers that seem to pop up and try to stop me. I get so mad. I used to be able to take on the world and move forward and knock out all kinds of challenges before me. Again, most times using not so healthy ways, yet I pulled it off. Therefore, would it not make sense that now, with healthy options and choices, that I could not only do it, yet I could do it even better? No, it feels like it is now twice as hard and three times as scary. Add into that the notion that I do not want to go back to my "old ways" in order to succeed. My goal is to stay on the healthy side of the line, so I keep trying to just push forward no matter how uncomfortable it may be. What is that line that keeps coming up in class? Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Yah, working on that.
No one is going to give me a magic formula to fix this, to take away the apprehension. It is not going to fix itself. It is going to take me continuing to find new ways to look at and deal with everyday life and the things that come my way.
Running away and avoiding are not options. I have to live, I have to work, I have to interact, I have to step out into the rain and remember that I may get soaked and I am not going to drown.
Seems like a lot of times in my life it has been stepping back and looking at the whole picture. See what lies before me, jump and and go for it. It is time to be a little wiser. Sure, take a look at the whole so you can see a goal to work toward, then move in closer.
Take it one piece at a time. Whatever the task may be, choose one part and work on it, finish it before moving on. Keep training my mind that it does not have to always be multi-tasking, especially on the same project. Keep working to slow it down, keep it focused, keep retraining it.
Just like coloring - one color at a time, one part at a time, one step at a time.
So, used to, I could juggle the world, my life, and all other things thrown my way. Sure, I may not have done it in the most healthy of ways, yet I could do it. It would exhaust me across the board and again, I could pull it off. As long as I kept moving, doing, juggling, staying busy, the reality of "doing way too much and not thinking of yourself" was kept at a distance. Yes, it was the live version of running when I was weary and walking when I was faint. Guess there is a reason we have that verse (Isaiah 40:31) to remind us not to do that.
There is a part of me that is scared to jump back into things. It is even hard to just move slowly to the edge of the water. I think that is why when I am able to go and do something (like finish a project at work, do my 5k or get out with the team, or try to go out and spend time with others), and actually complete it, I get really excited about it - probably more than I should.
It is not just fun activities, it is everything. Everything seems so big. Seeing the whole picture used to be my strength, now it just freaks me out. It is not that I am afraid of the size of the project (or whatever the activity may be), and I am not really afraid of getting overwhelmed (as that is kind of the norm in my life), although my greatest challenge continues to be my fear of what I will do when I get overwhelmed. I don't trust myself. I am afraid to trust myself. I am afraid that even with all the things I have learned over these past many months, that when I get to that point, I won't be able to do it and I will choose wrong (pretty similar to my fear of facing and feeling anger).
Therefore, when I am working on something and it starts getting more complex, or harder, or requiring that extra-mile effort, my flight or fight senses go into autopilot and I feel that wave of "you are not going to be able to handle this" start to come on. If it just eased in and didn't hit like a brick wall maybe it would be a little better. And, of course it does not really care if it is an opportune time or not to make its appearance.
Life is so big and I can't handle it like I used to and that, in itself, just frustrates the hell out of me. I get upset with myself because I can't get past these barriers that seem to pop up and try to stop me. I get so mad. I used to be able to take on the world and move forward and knock out all kinds of challenges before me. Again, most times using not so healthy ways, yet I pulled it off. Therefore, would it not make sense that now, with healthy options and choices, that I could not only do it, yet I could do it even better? No, it feels like it is now twice as hard and three times as scary. Add into that the notion that I do not want to go back to my "old ways" in order to succeed. My goal is to stay on the healthy side of the line, so I keep trying to just push forward no matter how uncomfortable it may be. What is that line that keeps coming up in class? Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Yah, working on that.
Running away and avoiding are not options. I have to live, I have to work, I have to interact, I have to step out into the rain and remember that I may get soaked and I am not going to drown.
Seems like a lot of times in my life it has been stepping back and looking at the whole picture. See what lies before me, jump and and go for it. It is time to be a little wiser. Sure, take a look at the whole so you can see a goal to work toward, then move in closer.
Take it one piece at a time. Whatever the task may be, choose one part and work on it, finish it before moving on. Keep training my mind that it does not have to always be multi-tasking, especially on the same project. Keep working to slow it down, keep it focused, keep retraining it.
Just like coloring - one color at a time, one part at a time, one step at a time.