Fear to speak
I have recently come to a conclusion. When I stop writing, I get into a lot of trouble. I don't make as sound of decisions, I don't "think through" things as well, and I cut off my ability to really express my needs. Some realizations are better late than never I guess.
I think I need to put a memo out to all my friends that when I say (or allude to) "I can control this" or "I can handle this" that they need to sit me down, get in my face, and ask me what the heck I am up to. I have learned that when I make those kinds of expressions, it usually means that I have selected from the "less effective" column and probably from the top 5 of that list. Again, a little self awareness (hopefully) goes a long way.
I have been fighting my lovely demon of anxiety attacks way more than I want to lately. Yes, I understand that physically I am still down (yet working on it) and that is just like a wide open invitation for anxiety, yet it would be nice if they just came and went and were gone for a while before make another pass.
For the past 3-4 days, they have been in full swing. I don't think they have been this strong for a long time. What doesn't help is that they have been compounding on top of each other. Did you know you that you can have (or it can feel like) you are having an anxiety attack on top of an anxiety attack. Is that not just the most pleasant thought you have heard???
I'm getting tired of it. It's like a bad roller coaster ride. Feel it coming on and building, fend it off, take a "whew that was close" breath, and get hit with the unexpected drop out of no where. The more you try to fight it, the worse it gets. You are strapped in for the ride and there is no getting off until it ends. And lately, it seems I am not exiting the vehicle quick enough before the ride starts again.
It. is. not. fun.
Going back to what I know, there has to be a trigger. Can I identify it becomes the question. I tried to ponder this question in my travels yesterday and today. Of course, you have to be careful going and looking for that kind of information because guess what it can trigger?? And, let me just throw out there that driving and anxiety attacks are a difficult combination to manage. Another good reason to try and figure this out.
I came up with many things including not feeling 100%, being more tired than usual, trying to make some peace with myself over recent events, etc. Then I remembered, I quit writing. I let my emotions spook me and I backed off. For the first time in a long while, I put up a wall instead of keeping them down. Yes, there is anxiety in the thoughts of really feeling again, yet nothing like not allowing myself an outlet to express myself. With feelings and emotions building up at a rapid rate, it is no wonder I'm crashing.
I sat in session yesterday struggling and scared as hell. As the anxiety kept building (it was already on a good roll before I got there) the fear did too. Could not really tell you what I was afraid/scared of, yet I could identify the emotion. Function? There was a lot of "something is not right" validation. I couldn't make out my thoughts and therefore couldn't tell you what "something" was. I think it validated that it had been a rough week physically/emotionally. I am sure it was trying to motivate me to ask for what I needed, yet that pretty much fell flat on its face. As far as "communicate", yup, it was in there too, yet when you can't communicate, it is kind of hard to meet that function.
As the anxiety kept climbing, I just wanted to look up and say "please help me" yet I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it. I tried. I looked up a few times, I just couldn't find the words and when I thought I did, I was too afraid to say them. Along side it was the thought in my head, if you ask for help you better be able to define the help you need. Seeing that was a complete blank, it made it even harder to ask. So the anxiety became coupled with panic, and I sat there, frozen and scared to death.
The thoughts multiplied with "look at you, can't even ask for help from someone who has promised you help" and a myriad of other judgmental, non-compassionate thoughts. So I defaulted to "I can fix this myself" and just kept telling myself I would be ok while sitting there rocking back and forth. I had no idea if I was going to be or not, yet I hoped saying it, even softly, could stop the train wreck and the anxiety and panic would subside. It didn't. I wonder had I been handed a piece of paper and asked to write what I couldn't say, if I would have been able to do it? I was finally able to mutter a small expression of need, and we got through it. (I just now thought about how all this had to have looked from the other side. Nice, as if I didn't feel embarrassed and ashamed enough, that visual did not help.)
I spent a chunk of my travel time south fighting the "look how bad of a person you are" thoughts. I just kept telling myself that it was ok because I am trying to get healthy and there are going to be situations that are new and scary because I am not allowing myself to default to unhealthy coping behaviors and this is ok. It is also something I do not have to go through alone even though I only seem to be familiar with going at it alone.
I can write it. "I am feeling very scared and anxious right now. I don't know why, yet it is getting worse and I am starting to panic and I'm not in a good place. I am afraid to ask, even though you have offered, yet would you come sit with me and hang onto me and help me get through this?"
See, I can write it. I probably could have wrote it yesterday. I can't bring myself to vocalize it, I'm too afraid (beyond becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable). I don't know of what, yet I know I am afraid. Now, there is a mystery larger than the multiple anxiety attacks.
And to bring things full circle, it is time to start writing again. Writing helped to keep a lot of anxiety at bay previously. Is there a correlation between my recent anxiety and taking a break from writing? Who knows, yet I do know how powerful of a distress tolerance skill the act of writing is for me. Why would I be willing to give that up? My emotions can't kill me, so it is ok to face off with them again on paper.
On paper, not by voice.
I think I need to put a memo out to all my friends that when I say (or allude to) "I can control this" or "I can handle this" that they need to sit me down, get in my face, and ask me what the heck I am up to. I have learned that when I make those kinds of expressions, it usually means that I have selected from the "less effective" column and probably from the top 5 of that list. Again, a little self awareness (hopefully) goes a long way.
I have been fighting my lovely demon of anxiety attacks way more than I want to lately. Yes, I understand that physically I am still down (yet working on it) and that is just like a wide open invitation for anxiety, yet it would be nice if they just came and went and were gone for a while before make another pass.
For the past 3-4 days, they have been in full swing. I don't think they have been this strong for a long time. What doesn't help is that they have been compounding on top of each other. Did you know you that you can have (or it can feel like) you are having an anxiety attack on top of an anxiety attack. Is that not just the most pleasant thought you have heard???
I'm getting tired of it. It's like a bad roller coaster ride. Feel it coming on and building, fend it off, take a "whew that was close" breath, and get hit with the unexpected drop out of no where. The more you try to fight it, the worse it gets. You are strapped in for the ride and there is no getting off until it ends. And lately, it seems I am not exiting the vehicle quick enough before the ride starts again.
It. is. not. fun.
Going back to what I know, there has to be a trigger. Can I identify it becomes the question. I tried to ponder this question in my travels yesterday and today. Of course, you have to be careful going and looking for that kind of information because guess what it can trigger?? And, let me just throw out there that driving and anxiety attacks are a difficult combination to manage. Another good reason to try and figure this out.
I came up with many things including not feeling 100%, being more tired than usual, trying to make some peace with myself over recent events, etc. Then I remembered, I quit writing. I let my emotions spook me and I backed off. For the first time in a long while, I put up a wall instead of keeping them down. Yes, there is anxiety in the thoughts of really feeling again, yet nothing like not allowing myself an outlet to express myself. With feelings and emotions building up at a rapid rate, it is no wonder I'm crashing.
I sat in session yesterday struggling and scared as hell. As the anxiety kept building (it was already on a good roll before I got there) the fear did too. Could not really tell you what I was afraid/scared of, yet I could identify the emotion. Function? There was a lot of "something is not right" validation. I couldn't make out my thoughts and therefore couldn't tell you what "something" was. I think it validated that it had been a rough week physically/emotionally. I am sure it was trying to motivate me to ask for what I needed, yet that pretty much fell flat on its face. As far as "communicate", yup, it was in there too, yet when you can't communicate, it is kind of hard to meet that function.
As the anxiety kept climbing, I just wanted to look up and say "please help me" yet I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it. I tried. I looked up a few times, I just couldn't find the words and when I thought I did, I was too afraid to say them. Along side it was the thought in my head, if you ask for help you better be able to define the help you need. Seeing that was a complete blank, it made it even harder to ask. So the anxiety became coupled with panic, and I sat there, frozen and scared to death.
The thoughts multiplied with "look at you, can't even ask for help from someone who has promised you help" and a myriad of other judgmental, non-compassionate thoughts. So I defaulted to "I can fix this myself" and just kept telling myself I would be ok while sitting there rocking back and forth. I had no idea if I was going to be or not, yet I hoped saying it, even softly, could stop the train wreck and the anxiety and panic would subside. It didn't. I wonder had I been handed a piece of paper and asked to write what I couldn't say, if I would have been able to do it? I was finally able to mutter a small expression of need, and we got through it. (I just now thought about how all this had to have looked from the other side. Nice, as if I didn't feel embarrassed and ashamed enough, that visual did not help.)
I spent a chunk of my travel time south fighting the "look how bad of a person you are" thoughts. I just kept telling myself that it was ok because I am trying to get healthy and there are going to be situations that are new and scary because I am not allowing myself to default to unhealthy coping behaviors and this is ok. It is also something I do not have to go through alone even though I only seem to be familiar with going at it alone.
I can write it. "I am feeling very scared and anxious right now. I don't know why, yet it is getting worse and I am starting to panic and I'm not in a good place. I am afraid to ask, even though you have offered, yet would you come sit with me and hang onto me and help me get through this?"
See, I can write it. I probably could have wrote it yesterday. I can't bring myself to vocalize it, I'm too afraid (beyond becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable). I don't know of what, yet I know I am afraid. Now, there is a mystery larger than the multiple anxiety attacks.
And to bring things full circle, it is time to start writing again. Writing helped to keep a lot of anxiety at bay previously. Is there a correlation between my recent anxiety and taking a break from writing? Who knows, yet I do know how powerful of a distress tolerance skill the act of writing is for me. Why would I be willing to give that up? My emotions can't kill me, so it is ok to face off with them again on paper.
On paper, not by voice.