DBT - Here we go!

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And here we go!

Tonight was the first night of class and I feel like a dragster that can't wait to get off the starting block. I sat in class, listening and also comparing. I was thinking "how was I feeling in the first night last round" and seeing where that lined up with tonight. Um, yah, a pretty big difference. I remember the first class from last time - I was scared to death! I do believe I saw that same fear in some of the new class members tonight. A part of me was empathetic, another part of me was so happy that it wasn't me.

There was some anxiety and apprehension in my heart and mind. At one point I just quietly took my little rock out of my pants pocket and moved it to my jacket pocket. As I listened to everyone share I ran through my script in my mind - what does the rock feel like, how deep are the indentations, which side is smoother, and so on.

It is one of my rocks from my calming box. I almost always carry it in my pocket. One side is completely smooth while the other has some ridges in it. I guess you could say it is kind of like a worry stone, as usually it is just a matter of running my thumb back and forth over one of the sides.

It gives me something to focus on as well as something tactile to keep me in the moment. It is nice and discreet and doesn't draw attention to myself while I feeling anxious or nervous. It works for me, and is that not part of the bigger picture - make things work for you? Of course my friends like to laugh at me (lovingly) when I smile big and cheesy and say "I've a rock in my pocket!"

Yes, here we officially go again and I am excited. As I go into it, I remember what Lisa told me - do not be surprised at the diversity of people in the class. She wasn't talking about race, she was talking about emotional levels. It took me a few classes last round before I started to really understand what she meant by that (as she continually reminded me of it).

The concept frightened me last round, this time I look toward it with more of a curiosity. I think that is going to be one of the biggest differences from last time - fear. I was so scared of everything last round, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't understand how things would play out, I felt alone and even misunderstood at times. There was a very strong lineage of fear through most of class. It is possible that fear might try to show back up, and that is ok, as I know all feelings are valid. The difference is, I think I can calm it pretty quick this round. Yes, I am sure I will be anxious and nervous, although I don't have to be afraid.

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