Can we just talk?
I've been trying hard on this healing and getting mentally healthy road. It has not been easy and I am sure there have been plenty of times where my willfulness and stubbornness made it harder than it needed to be. It gets frustrating at times and I want to give up, and then I do great things and have these little victories and I want to keep fighting.
I am in this "place" and I just don't know the next move to make, or if I do, I am not sure how. You see, sometimes things are new and I am not sure how to work with them. Then, sometimes things are familiar yet they have had negative results in the past and I am afraid to try again because I don't want to get hurt again. I am tired of being hurt, whether it is by myself or others. I know I have not much control over others hurting me, yet I am learning I can control my self.
These pieces of me have anger, frustration, sadness, and more. As easy as it is to point outwardly and say "they have these issues," the truth is, I have them. I have anger in me. I have frustration. I have sadness. I have more than an abundance of it and I have avoided it for so many years that there is not much more room for it all to expand.
I am not familiar with pointing emotions where they should go. I am sure I have given it a try and I am guessing it was met with negative results. I am sure my apprehension to do so is not just blindly there, I am guessing it has had some reinforcement behind it. And then there is my mastery in turning the emotions against me. It kept peace. It avoided contention and conflict with others.
I am tired of taking it out on myself. I am tired of feeling like that is the only option I have. I am tired of the internal contention and conflict. In the past, my next thoughts would have been of how I am just tired with life and wish it could end. Yah, still get tired of life - I get tired of the struggle - yet I want to keep on going. I want to feel the good that is out there. I want to feel inner peace that is not just surface level. Is that wrong to desire?
I still struggle so much with complements and praise. It is hard to hear them. It is like I got my wires crossed somewhere. If someone were to stand and say horrible things about me (worthless, stupid, nothing, etc) I would stand emotionless as the went on. I might even agree with them. Then, when it comes to positive things (like the video), I all but freak out. It is like those are the "bad" things. I feel very insecure and vulnerable. I do not understand it.
I get so scared to even take a taste of the good things said. I want to, and yet I am so hesitant. It is like if I reach for it, all these bells and alarms will go off and I will be singled out, and bad things will happen. It is like being teased with a cookie. Being told you can have it and then when you reach for it you get your hand slapped.
I am not a bad person, and still I cannot figure out how to fully let go of that. How do you change so many years of feeling "wrong" about who you are and what you should and should not feel emotionally?
It is tough when one time I can look at myself in a mirror and be positive and another time I am telling myself how much of a mistake I am. It really messes with my head and it is very confusing.
For years I have told myself that is just the way it is - I am less and that is it. I guess when you keep getting knocked down you do quit getting up. That, or you just fall back down before the hit comes.
I have to get through this inner turmoil. I am thinking the first step is allowing it to "be me". Quit pointing away from myself and saying "Blewy is angry," and point to myself and allow myself to say "I am angry." There is something very scary about that. "They" are allowed to have varied emotions, feelings, and reactions, with no repercussions. For "I" to have them, pulls up so much negative things - like I am not allowed to express those kinds of emotions. It starts falling back into the "keep that stuff to yourself" and "quit whining before I give you something to whine about." As safe as it is for "them" to express the emotions, "I" am not going to heal unless I take full ownership. That, scares the hell out of me.
Shauna says to give you my anger. Again, that "Give it to God" thing. Still do not get it. Ok, I get the concept and logically understand it, and still I have no clue how to do it. I am pretty sure that lingering thought that I deserve the negative things does not help. Like this is my discipline for not being a good kid or something. I was bad and this is the consequences of my actions. If I give it up, it is like getting off easy. Like not taking all my punishment, cheating. Like I am getting special treatment. I don't know what to do with all that. Crazy part is, I would give up good things in a second.
I need your help, and I hesitate to ask for it because I can't answer those more specific questions like what kind of help do I need. I don't know how to take the next step because I am not sure what that is. Ok, I guess to a point I do, pointing the emotions where they should go. Again, not sure how to do that. And, not sure how to do that and not feel guilty for doing it. Just thinking about it stirs up all kinds of comments in my head. I know they are not (or should not) be true, yet the are there and they are loud and clear. What do you do with that?
I know it is not a race and I still think I should have this all figured out a lot quicker. I often feel like something is wrong with me because I continue to struggle with the same things over and over. It is not a matter of being on the spiral yet a little higher, it is being stuck in the same spot, like a skipping record, and it includes "what is wrong with you, you should have this by now" playing over and over.
I am trying to heal myself and I feel like I am just causing more and more contention. I am trying to do good and right things, and I don't know if I am making progress or creating more issues. It gets so frustrating and I want to solve that by punishing myself. I want to injure myself while telling myself, "see, you should have figure it out, you should have learned this by now." Add in some, "you are weak" and it is a dangerous cocktail. It sounds so horrible and yet if given the chance, I would do it without thought. It is fighting the "that will teach you" thoughts. It is sitting here right now wanting to say "screw it all" and just give in.
Yup, your strong Hermana Blew is not so impressive anymore. I feel like all those great things I felt I was once are no longer achievable. Like I had my chance and it is gone. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have been more thankful and appreciative of what I had. You know, all that kind of stuff.
So that is what I got. Don't really know what to do with it or what I should ask for your help with. I figured it was ok to just talk though. No harm in that, right? If so, just add it to my list.
I will let you go, yet I am going to just hang out here for a while if that is ok. My inner adults really don't want me around right now and maybe I keep some distance things will calm down a bit. Plus, if I stay here and keep looking toward you, I won't give into hurting myself. I think that would make a lot of people happy.
With that, be well.
Big Blewy