Why does the Guardian wear green?

While driving the other day, I got to thinking, "why is the guardian wearing green?" For someone who is so hooked on blue and yellow, why did the guardian come out wearing green?

One might think it was just a random color choice, yet something that I have learned with my drawings is that each person has a defining characteristic that is not there by some random chance. The fact the guardian wore green was not because that was the color of pencil I happened to pick up.

I am not sure just how much I have talked about my mission with Chris other than affirming that I was a good missionary and I don't let anyone take that away from me. Lisa, on the other hand, heard about it a lot. Generally somewhere in the conversation, the phrase, "If I could just be that person again" would make an appearance.

I have a lot of memories from my mission and I have turned to those over and over in trying to heal and find peace. I went into my mission feeling so insecure about myself, limited confidence, and not having much in the way of self-worth. I was excited to go and serve, even if I didn't think I was good enough. Surely, there was *something* God could have me do.

Argentina was rough for a lot of reasons, yet I found myself changing while there. Amidst the trials and tribulations, there was peace and joy also. When I finally grasped the language, I felt empowered in a way. I did something, and i did it well. One of my favorite complements came when I was actually in Orlando. We had called a referral to set up a meeting. When we arrived, they just looked at me in awe and confusion. They finally said, "I thought you were Latin. You spoke with a true Latin accent, not like a gringa." It always felt good to be able to communicate.

I think one of the best things to happen to me in my mission is when I finally realized that Heavenly Father did not need "just some sister missionary" to fill a spot in a roster, He needed *me*. For one reason or another (and those reasons changed often), He needed me, not anyone else.....me. That meant I was important, I had a purpose, I was special, I was someone of value and worth.

That feeling only grew from that point forward, carrying throughout the rest of my time in Argentina and then my time in Orlando. I was blessed to see some of the special things that He needed me for and I know there were so many more that I may never know. At the end of the day, though, I was someone - I was Hermana Blew. I loved who I was and I loved being me. I loved that I had a purpose and that I was valued. It was an amazing feeling. I was happy, really happy. I was different, and I was good.

I came home a very different person than when I left. Even with the physical limitations I was dealing with, I was confident and sure of myself. I felt good inside to be me, and I liked that person. I smiled and laughed and even when things got hard, I took it all in stride. I was going to be alright, I was going to make it and make it good.

Something happened. I couldn't hang on to that person I had become. I walked back into an environment where I was nothing but a failure and a disappointment. I remember one of the worst parts of it all was that I didn't want to give up who I had become, yet I had no clue how to hang onto it. Hermana Blew slowly disappeared and within 12 weeks or so, was gone. I went on to make several unhealthy choices - when you are lost, that happens.

In the mission you have so much support from the other missionaries, the mission presidency, the members. It is like a huge family that just keeps growing. When you struggled, there was someone to offer you a hand, when you were sad, there was someone to offer a shoulder. My relationship with Heavenly Father grew so much too. We were a team, and He looked out for me. Now it felt like all of that was gone. I felt like I had disappointed every person who had stood up with me, for me. All I wanted to do was get back to that person I was in the mission, and I had no clue how to do it.

It has been 18 1/2 years since I finished my mission. That is a lot of years of searching for someone who was only "around" for a little over a year. Once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her, yet it always seemed from such a distance. Inside I hoped so much I was still that person, even if I couldn't feel it or figure out how to be it. I had done good, been important, had a purpose. Surely, somewhere, I was still that, yet each time I took a step to embrace it, I felt like I was turning my back on people and only thinking of myself - I was being selfish. After a time, I just quit looking. Even though I never stopped longing to be that person and feel that good again, I quit looking.

This past year or so, I have seen glimpses of that person again. It has been hard to not think of it as a cruel joke, like someone dangling it in front of me going "see, here it is and you can't have it!!" When I have visited the temple these past couple times, I have felt that person still exists. There has been a part of me that, for a brief moment, remembers that feeling of importance. I get to thinking that maybe Hermana Blew can come back, that I can have those wonderful things along with the new strengths that I have learned this past year. Wouldn't I be amazing then? Heavenly Father would not know what to do with me.

So, why does the guardian wear green? I think that the guardian carries a reminder of what can still be. It is my guess that the guardian has a little Hermana Blew in there, just enough to remind me that she still exists. I sure wish I could find her though, even if for just a moment. Blewy needs to see her. Blewy needs to be reminded of the good that is inside and that she can have that again. Blewy needs to understand that she is not the anger and darkness that keeps coming around. She is not destructive and worthless. I think the only way that is going to happen is to go and find the piece that is light and good and strong and confident. She's in there somewhere.

In the meantime, it is just hanging on and doing all I can to keep healing.