Another day down - April 8

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What was that Chris texted me tonight.....deep breath, prayer, and trust. Ah, trust. I know what that is....trust is the willingness to be vulnerable. Never realized how "DBT" that sounds until now. I think I do a lot better with that whole trusting thing than I did in the past. I am a bit more willing to let people inside my inner circle - let them past my "wall of safety" and hope I made a good decision. It is taking a chance for both of us, that wall exists to keep people from hurting me and to keep me from hurting them. Therefore, if you find yourself inside, it comes with a risk.....for all of us.

Been pretty sick lately. It wears on my pretty hard, yet I seem to keep hanging in there with it. I do wish there were some answers. Either answers to what is going on, or answers from above in regards to why I need to be going through this. They will come, the answers, from one place or another. Although I want to argue with myself at times, I know this is not a punishment. I didn't do anything wrong and this is my consequence. Geeze, it if were, I would have had to do something pretty darn bad seeing with the exception of a couple weeks, this has been going on since Christmas.

I am back on liquids until Monday when I see Rowitz. No, I am not looking forward to that appointment at all. I feel like I am going to be walking into non-friendly environment, yet if it gets answers - even if the answer is that there are no problems - than it is worth it. I have a lot thicker skin now and tools to keep myself from falling over the emotional cliff.

Tess is not too happy with me being on a liquid diet. You would think I was starving her. Forget the fact she has dog food, treats, and a new chew toy. Silly dog. She has been really lovey tonight. Maybe she knows that I just don't feel good. Of course she will give you all the love in the world as long as you scratch her belly while she offers snuggles. Love that dog.

Time to send my nightly check in email to Mel and Tami and then off to bed. Don't have to get up early tomorrow and I am ok with sleeping most of the day away. Have a few computer things to finish up, and that is about it. Lora has a derby bout tomorrow night and I am hoping that I am feeling good enough to go to it. I have an extra ticket, yet not sure who to take. Thought about taking Jordan, yet I don't know. Most likely will just go alone, which is fine as well.

And that is what I know.

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