I'm safe, and you?
I feel like I have been in a vortex. Yah, there is a new one. Makes me think of those big yellow funnel looking things that would be at the mall that you would put a penny in an it would roll around and around and around as it moved closer to the bottom. That probably says something about me as it is my guess that most people might say that they would think of a tornado or something more like that when you said the word vortex. Eh, whatever. But those big yellow thingys were pretty cool.
There is a sense of things not feeling "real", and I get it - I'm once in places that I have not been before in my healing journey, or it's been a very, very long time. So it only makes sense for it not to feel real, familiar, or any other word that might go in there. Let's see, if you were to put a soundtrack to it, put the Carpenters and Barry Manilow on the turntable. Just that melancholy, stepping carefully, trying to figure out my place in this new place.
Of course all this transpires under a cover of something. I'm sure some of it shows through, I'm not as good at hiding things as I used to be. Wouldn't it be cool if we could just wear a shirt that said, "I'm adapting to a new space today" or something like that? Then we wouldn't have to answer the many "are you ok, you don't seem to be acting like yourself" kinds of questions. I could point to my shirt.
Whatever.
I do feel safer these days. Gilly has made that difference. Chris always says there a difference between living alone and living alone with a pet. I agree. I feel safe, like the "not afraid about someone breaking into my house and hurting me" kind of safe. Yah, can't say that is something I ever speak up about. Maybe it is cause I too busy filling out questionnaires about my mental health related safety. Maslow's types of needs get overlooked. Needless to say, food, water, warmth, rest, security, and safety, do not always get met, nor do I alert anyone of the frequency of it. And this is just his basic needs! Let's not even move up the pyramid.
I can hear the conversations now. I am sure at least one or more of them would be to the effect of how many time of not meeting these areas of needs was my own willfulness vs. actual circumstances. For example, would not meeting needs in food and water be due to my eating disorder and not because I live in a location where food and water are limited. How much of not feeling safe and secure is because I self-harm? And such. So, you know, I try to stay away from it all, and I understand it as well - I don't move forward until basic needs are met.
Ah, crud, where even was I? Oh yah, feeling safe, like physically safe. I sleep better. I would like to say that the voices and the screaming are gone, yet they started back up a few nights ago. It was probably a little silly of me to think that they might have stayed gone for longer. I don't seem to be as afraid of myself as I have been these past few months, especially since coming back from Vegas. Not sure who/what that was that showed up when I got back, yet it was dark and scary.
I just want to do good. I want to good at work, and I want to do good at home. I want this to be a good year. I want it to be the year I do things right and not have my head games screw things up. If I can just do things the way they are supposed to be done, keep people happy, then the world will be good. If I keep people "out there" happy, then maybe my world "in here" will be safe and happy.
There is a sense of things not feeling "real", and I get it - I'm once in places that I have not been before in my healing journey, or it's been a very, very long time. So it only makes sense for it not to feel real, familiar, or any other word that might go in there. Let's see, if you were to put a soundtrack to it, put the Carpenters and Barry Manilow on the turntable. Just that melancholy, stepping carefully, trying to figure out my place in this new place.
Of course all this transpires under a cover of something. I'm sure some of it shows through, I'm not as good at hiding things as I used to be. Wouldn't it be cool if we could just wear a shirt that said, "I'm adapting to a new space today" or something like that? Then we wouldn't have to answer the many "are you ok, you don't seem to be acting like yourself" kinds of questions. I could point to my shirt.
Whatever.
I do feel safer these days. Gilly has made that difference. Chris always says there a difference between living alone and living alone with a pet. I agree. I feel safe, like the "not afraid about someone breaking into my house and hurting me" kind of safe. Yah, can't say that is something I ever speak up about. Maybe it is cause I too busy filling out questionnaires about my mental health related safety. Maslow's types of needs get overlooked. Needless to say, food, water, warmth, rest, security, and safety, do not always get met, nor do I alert anyone of the frequency of it. And this is just his basic needs! Let's not even move up the pyramid.
I can hear the conversations now. I am sure at least one or more of them would be to the effect of how many time of not meeting these areas of needs was my own willfulness vs. actual circumstances. For example, would not meeting needs in food and water be due to my eating disorder and not because I live in a location where food and water are limited. How much of not feeling safe and secure is because I self-harm? And such. So, you know, I try to stay away from it all, and I understand it as well - I don't move forward until basic needs are met.
Ah, crud, where even was I? Oh yah, feeling safe, like physically safe. I sleep better. I would like to say that the voices and the screaming are gone, yet they started back up a few nights ago. It was probably a little silly of me to think that they might have stayed gone for longer. I don't seem to be as afraid of myself as I have been these past few months, especially since coming back from Vegas. Not sure who/what that was that showed up when I got back, yet it was dark and scary.
I just want to do good. I want to good at work, and I want to do good at home. I want this to be a good year. I want it to be the year I do things right and not have my head games screw things up. If I can just do things the way they are supposed to be done, keep people happy, then the world will be good. If I keep people "out there" happy, then maybe my world "in here" will be safe and happy.