Empty pantry

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So we went through this with the voices. Everything is a voice - Eating Disorder, Guilt, Shame, Self-Harm, Doubt, Worthlessness, Etc.
  • Could only one speak at a time?
  • Did they all speak all at the same time all at the same intensity?
  • Did they all speak all at the same time, yet only one could speak at full intensity?
Then in session the other day I brought this to Chris. It had come from my session with Tami. The discussion talked about how the ED would use whatever it could to beat me up, make me feel horrible, guilty, etc. I had asked in that session, so is it possible that instead of all of the separate demons, there could just be one? All these years, it could just be one, the Eating Disorder?
  • Always viewed the ED as one of many other voices/demons. All with equal power.
  • Could it be that it is all just 1 demon, the ED? That it has all control and has been the full demon all along.
  • Or, Is the demon still the ED, and yet when needed, he calls upon the other voices as he chooses, using them as puppets? 

I met with Chris and talked about my previous picture. I shared with her about a chapter .that I had listened to in a book that Tami has suggested I listen to. How ED "brings along friends" and then I saw this. I think it more honestly portrays what I see with the ED, and I think it more honestly portrays what I see, and what I fear, with myself. 

You know any of those competition shows on anymore, whether it is cooking, building, etc., all have a "pantry" they can go and get any supply they need to help them complete what they are working on - what they need to succeed. This is what came to mind. The ED is the demon now. Maybe at one time there were several and they, themselves were in competition with each other - the sexual abuse demon, the robbed at gunpoint demon, the alcoholic demon, etc. Nothing like a competition show of demons. Anyways, all had access to the pantry which is stocked full of guilt, shame, doubt, desires to self-harm, thoughts of worthlessness, fear, and so on. As well, each losing demon, as a condition of loss, now resides in the pantry, therefore, the ED can not only grab an "ingredient" from the pantry, it can also pull out an old demon to add to its arsenal if needed. 

Sure makes sense. Sure makes sense if the demon is an eating disorder, an addiction, or whatever. 

Where am I in all of this? Currently, I am just standing there, staring. Yah, still staring. Maybe it is a gift from God that I am so sick right now, gives me time to just stare at all this and figure some of it out. Figure out the lay of the land. A piece of me is like, ok, you got it figured out, leave it and move on. I know better. I know if I turn my back, it will be like a snake striking. At some point my competitor and I are going to shake hands and this new view of "competition" is going to commence. 

Therefore what is the big deal, someone might think? Well, look at the picture. I could really use some help putting some inventory in my pantry. You see, although I can now see things more equally in regards as the enemy being more equal in size, I still feel quite inadequate in confidence. 

So here I am, just standing there, tilting my head, left then right. Looking at the demon, looking around it into their pantry. Refusing to look back into mine because I know the shelves are empty. Maybe that is what comes in working with Tami. She will make me remember everything that is already there. Maybe even help me come up with new things. Mel will have good ideas too. I bet Chris will help me fit it all in there to make the most room I can. Teamwork, right? Something like that?

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