One big wolf?
Been a lot on my mind since session with Tami today. Not anything to be worried about me about, yet I just don't know who to talk to. Thankfully I can come home and write. Well, Tami and I did talk about last week. Ok, so, my bad. It would seem that she didn't yell at me. Of course I had to ask several times, "are you sure you didn't yell at me?" and then we went through what was said and how things were said and how I heard things and apparently how things were actually said. She said she never rose her voice. I told her I heard her yelling at me. Of course this led back into the talk of I can decide that I am not ready to do this and it is ok. So I think we got things back on track there.
I told her in the exchange that I was afraid to talk because I was afraid of her reaction. She said that was not good because she wanted her office to be a safe place and that if I was afraid when I was in there, then that was not going to allow for healing. She explained that ED work was different than trauma work. That in the ED work it was her job to challenge me and the things I say, especially when it is the ED talking. She says it is essentially talk therapy, yet she is not going to let the ED get a chance to come into it. She is going to make me think about the things I say and make me think about if they are me or the ED talking. Now, this (unless I just cannot remember) is the first time that she has explained all this. Maybe my continual "how does this work" finally made some sense somehow.
She said, I just need to know what you want to do. I just looked at her and feeling like I should have an answer, said, I didn't know what to do. I really didn't. I just don't know what to do at this point. She told me that was ok and it was ok to not know what to do. And at that moment, things seemed to have returned to "normal" between us.
She made the comment that at some point I didn't have an ED, in reply to me saying that I knew the "voice" of the ED, yet what was my voice like. She talked about how many people might binge drink, yet not all of them will become alcoholics. Said in a similar way (to make it easier to understand) many people use food to cope, yet not all develop eating disorders. She said why some do develop and ED is the unknown. Says it is nothing I did on purpose. So I was trying to think backwards - just quickly, to when (if I could think of a time) I could find a time when there was food issues without the mind games to go along with it. Let's just say there is a reason I have this belief that I don't know what my real voice sounds like.
She talked about the ED and its power. Seems it isn't just the voice that comes around to have an argument in front of the fridge or guilt and shame me around food. It also ties into the self-hate, self-destructive thoughts, and so on. I asked her if it was possible that whereas I see things with me as having these multiple demons in my life, there is actually only one, the eating disorder. Could the ED be that powerful? She said it is highly possible.
That is what has set with me all day. Could "all my demons" actually be just one? I left her office kind of quiet. I kind of wanted to go sit in my car and cry, yet I didn't. I did sit in my car for a bit trying to do something on my phone. I don't have a word for where I was (am kind of still am) emotionally. I'm safe, that is not the issue. I'm....well, I don't know. I'm just standing and staring at this whole "all my demons could really be just one huge entity" like it is a painting on a wall or something and I am trying to dissect it. I don't have words right now, I don't have emotions. I just...am. I can't really go one way or another with it at the moment.
When I came into work, I started down the hall and heard, "twice in one week?" behind me. I turned around and it was McG. She asked how I was, and I couldn't even muster up a lie. I told her I just wasn't sure how I was, that I just came from my ED therapist (some of the racers I am closer to know I go to therapy and ED therapy) and it was just a tough one today. She stopped and listened for a moment, although I didn't say much other than some shoulder shrugging and attempts to not cry. Then she shared that she had an ED history and shared a bit of it with me. Shared that she understood and that it was tough. She also told me that it would be ok and that I would overcome things. She gave me a big hug, told me to hang in there. I texted her tonight and said thanks for talking. She replied and said that is what friends are for.
So, what if it is? What if, instead of all these separate demons, there is just one big one. One big one that has been orchestrating the hateful thoughts, the self-destructive behaviors, flipping the switches and the triggers to make my life hell? What if the wolf is my ED and if there are other things, they are only in existence because of the ED? Manage the ED, manage the wolf. Yet, that is one hell of a large wolf.
I kept my door shut to my office today and just had the side lamp on. Ann came in for lunch and asked if I was avoiding the outside world today. I said yes, and that was all I said. That was all I wanted to say.
I told her in the exchange that I was afraid to talk because I was afraid of her reaction. She said that was not good because she wanted her office to be a safe place and that if I was afraid when I was in there, then that was not going to allow for healing. She explained that ED work was different than trauma work. That in the ED work it was her job to challenge me and the things I say, especially when it is the ED talking. She says it is essentially talk therapy, yet she is not going to let the ED get a chance to come into it. She is going to make me think about the things I say and make me think about if they are me or the ED talking. Now, this (unless I just cannot remember) is the first time that she has explained all this. Maybe my continual "how does this work" finally made some sense somehow.
She said, I just need to know what you want to do. I just looked at her and feeling like I should have an answer, said, I didn't know what to do. I really didn't. I just don't know what to do at this point. She told me that was ok and it was ok to not know what to do. And at that moment, things seemed to have returned to "normal" between us.
She made the comment that at some point I didn't have an ED, in reply to me saying that I knew the "voice" of the ED, yet what was my voice like. She talked about how many people might binge drink, yet not all of them will become alcoholics. Said in a similar way (to make it easier to understand) many people use food to cope, yet not all develop eating disorders. She said why some do develop and ED is the unknown. Says it is nothing I did on purpose. So I was trying to think backwards - just quickly, to when (if I could think of a time) I could find a time when there was food issues without the mind games to go along with it. Let's just say there is a reason I have this belief that I don't know what my real voice sounds like.
She talked about the ED and its power. Seems it isn't just the voice that comes around to have an argument in front of the fridge or guilt and shame me around food. It also ties into the self-hate, self-destructive thoughts, and so on. I asked her if it was possible that whereas I see things with me as having these multiple demons in my life, there is actually only one, the eating disorder. Could the ED be that powerful? She said it is highly possible.
That is what has set with me all day. Could "all my demons" actually be just one? I left her office kind of quiet. I kind of wanted to go sit in my car and cry, yet I didn't. I did sit in my car for a bit trying to do something on my phone. I don't have a word for where I was (am kind of still am) emotionally. I'm safe, that is not the issue. I'm....well, I don't know. I'm just standing and staring at this whole "all my demons could really be just one huge entity" like it is a painting on a wall or something and I am trying to dissect it. I don't have words right now, I don't have emotions. I just...am. I can't really go one way or another with it at the moment.
When I came into work, I started down the hall and heard, "twice in one week?" behind me. I turned around and it was McG. She asked how I was, and I couldn't even muster up a lie. I told her I just wasn't sure how I was, that I just came from my ED therapist (some of the racers I am closer to know I go to therapy and ED therapy) and it was just a tough one today. She stopped and listened for a moment, although I didn't say much other than some shoulder shrugging and attempts to not cry. Then she shared that she had an ED history and shared a bit of it with me. Shared that she understood and that it was tough. She also told me that it would be ok and that I would overcome things. She gave me a big hug, told me to hang in there. I texted her tonight and said thanks for talking. She replied and said that is what friends are for.
So, what if it is? What if, instead of all these separate demons, there is just one big one. One big one that has been orchestrating the hateful thoughts, the self-destructive behaviors, flipping the switches and the triggers to make my life hell? What if the wolf is my ED and if there are other things, they are only in existence because of the ED? Manage the ED, manage the wolf. Yet, that is one hell of a large wolf.
I kept my door shut to my office today and just had the side lamp on. Ann came in for lunch and asked if I was avoiding the outside world today. I said yes, and that was all I said. That was all I wanted to say.