Better, Worse, Flip a Coin
Nice little hiatus there, eh? Had me a bit of a crash and burn. Ok, so that was obvious. Spent some time in what they call IOP over at Mel's place. Think of it as 3 hour DBT group with a meal. Did that for about 8 weeks, 4-5 days a week. It was pretty intense and it was well worth it. I do have to say that I came out on the other side much better.
I hate getting that bad. At least last time, I didn't have to put so much of a front on, and the time before that, well we all know what happened there - a nice week's vacation with a bed, table, and a camera. Last round was the summer before I started DBT for the first time. I am not sure between the two which was worse, I guess there really is not a comparison game, per se. The last time was the first time I picked up a knife and cut myself. I still remember that day so vividly, yet I remember it as an outsider watching it. The whole hospital drama scenario, that is remembered third person as well. Most likely because I don't want to remember that stuff in first person. Eh, no big deal, it is what it is.
So, I come out of IOP, doing great, limited to no (or at least very, very quiet) self negative thoughts, focus is doing good, I'm eating more regular (although still a struggle, yet I am doing it), and overall just feeling really good about things. Am able to look back and see just how "sick" I was and understand why Mel was pushing residential at me for what seemed every time I turned around for that first week or so. I told Tami the other day it was good that she didn't see me then because I didn't need one more person on the sending me to residential side. Summary - I was amazingly in a good place.
Can anyone pick up what is coming here??? Sure was a nice place to be. Of course, then I am back out on my own in the real world. And somewhere in a short amount of time, I managed to trip up, fall out of that nice place, let my depression back into the driver's seat, and let it start screwing up everything I have worked for over the past months. Yup, welcome to my world...once a friggin again. Nope, no gold star for you, those are only for the ones who manage to stay, not the ones who just pass through.
Each time I get better then start to crash it sucks even more because I am like, hanging on to a rope for dear life going, "no!!!!! don't....want.....to.....let....go!!!" I work so hard to get to a place, and seriously, I work my ass off to get to those places. Want a definition of "work the program"? Yah, I can be the poster child. Then the floor starts to drop out. It might stop for a moment. It might come back up a little - although it never comes all the way back to the start - and then drops again, sometimes even further. Ever rode tower of terror? Yah, there is a good example. To this day I still regret riding that thing. I understand why the sign said, if you have anxiety issues you may not want to ride this. Effects, awesome. Ride, breathtaking - and not in the "oh wondrous waves of grain" way.
I am headed back to IOP. Mel and I talked about it yesterday. Molly and I solidified it today. Mel and I talked about it before and I was like, no I am not going back to IOP. I mean, come on, I'm the one who "made it", I can't go back. If I go back, I've totally failed. What's that say about me? I can't function in the real world on my own? Dude, what happened to me? What happened to that tough person who could carry the world on their shoulders and not crack? Why do I keep cracking? Heck, not only can't I carry things on my shoulders, I'm too afraid to pick them up. I'm such a far cry from who I once was. Big strong Blewy is no more than a weak, frail, can't even stand up for herself anymore, used to be.
Heavenly Father says He loves me. And I 110% believe that. I know, took long enough, eh? He also says I need to start forgiving myself. I know what that means. Forgiving myself for the harsh things I have done to myself. The punishment I have put myself through. The abuse. I know He also says that I need to learn to love myself, in blessings He has said directly that He needs me to start loving myself. Eh, not much homework. I get it, I understand it. I desire it, and my brain hates it. Well, at least some part of it in there. The adversary loves that I struggle with it and does his part to make sure tat I continue to struggle with it. Push - pull, Light vs. Dark. Good vs. Evil. The Guardian vs. The Wolf.
They are worried about me. My therapy family. They have every right to be. I have promised them I will stay safe until I see them again. I will keep my word. It's a sign that maybe somewhere in all of this, there is some little thread that has not broken away from the "I'm better" rope. It's all I got right now. I truly want to go start slamming my fist into the wall as I scream, "what the fuck is your problem??" or quietly and strategically, almost as with surgical precision, start cutting - first cause a scrape, then the scrape becomes a cut, then the cut opens up and then with force and pressure, pain is inflicted as much as possible. "This will teach you" will be the thought, although I still am not sure what I am being punished for. This time I think it is because I couldn't stay in that spot I was in when I came out of IOP. That I have let the depression get out of control again. That I am in the red zone again. That I am at this place of possibly disappointing everyone who has busted their tails to help me. I just can't seem to learn the lesson. Maybe last time wasn't enough pain to get the message through my head.
That is how it works. Didn't learn my lesson last time, have to make sure I "hear myself" this time.
I hate getting that bad. At least last time, I didn't have to put so much of a front on, and the time before that, well we all know what happened there - a nice week's vacation with a bed, table, and a camera. Last round was the summer before I started DBT for the first time. I am not sure between the two which was worse, I guess there really is not a comparison game, per se. The last time was the first time I picked up a knife and cut myself. I still remember that day so vividly, yet I remember it as an outsider watching it. The whole hospital drama scenario, that is remembered third person as well. Most likely because I don't want to remember that stuff in first person. Eh, no big deal, it is what it is.
So, I come out of IOP, doing great, limited to no (or at least very, very quiet) self negative thoughts, focus is doing good, I'm eating more regular (although still a struggle, yet I am doing it), and overall just feeling really good about things. Am able to look back and see just how "sick" I was and understand why Mel was pushing residential at me for what seemed every time I turned around for that first week or so. I told Tami the other day it was good that she didn't see me then because I didn't need one more person on the sending me to residential side. Summary - I was amazingly in a good place.
Can anyone pick up what is coming here??? Sure was a nice place to be. Of course, then I am back out on my own in the real world. And somewhere in a short amount of time, I managed to trip up, fall out of that nice place, let my depression back into the driver's seat, and let it start screwing up everything I have worked for over the past months. Yup, welcome to my world...once a friggin again. Nope, no gold star for you, those are only for the ones who manage to stay, not the ones who just pass through.
Each time I get better then start to crash it sucks even more because I am like, hanging on to a rope for dear life going, "no!!!!! don't....want.....to.....let....go!!!" I work so hard to get to a place, and seriously, I work my ass off to get to those places. Want a definition of "work the program"? Yah, I can be the poster child. Then the floor starts to drop out. It might stop for a moment. It might come back up a little - although it never comes all the way back to the start - and then drops again, sometimes even further. Ever rode tower of terror? Yah, there is a good example. To this day I still regret riding that thing. I understand why the sign said, if you have anxiety issues you may not want to ride this. Effects, awesome. Ride, breathtaking - and not in the "oh wondrous waves of grain" way.
I am headed back to IOP. Mel and I talked about it yesterday. Molly and I solidified it today. Mel and I talked about it before and I was like, no I am not going back to IOP. I mean, come on, I'm the one who "made it", I can't go back. If I go back, I've totally failed. What's that say about me? I can't function in the real world on my own? Dude, what happened to me? What happened to that tough person who could carry the world on their shoulders and not crack? Why do I keep cracking? Heck, not only can't I carry things on my shoulders, I'm too afraid to pick them up. I'm such a far cry from who I once was. Big strong Blewy is no more than a weak, frail, can't even stand up for herself anymore, used to be.
Heavenly Father says He loves me. And I 110% believe that. I know, took long enough, eh? He also says I need to start forgiving myself. I know what that means. Forgiving myself for the harsh things I have done to myself. The punishment I have put myself through. The abuse. I know He also says that I need to learn to love myself, in blessings He has said directly that He needs me to start loving myself. Eh, not much homework. I get it, I understand it. I desire it, and my brain hates it. Well, at least some part of it in there. The adversary loves that I struggle with it and does his part to make sure tat I continue to struggle with it. Push - pull, Light vs. Dark. Good vs. Evil. The Guardian vs. The Wolf.
They are worried about me. My therapy family. They have every right to be. I have promised them I will stay safe until I see them again. I will keep my word. It's a sign that maybe somewhere in all of this, there is some little thread that has not broken away from the "I'm better" rope. It's all I got right now. I truly want to go start slamming my fist into the wall as I scream, "what the fuck is your problem??" or quietly and strategically, almost as with surgical precision, start cutting - first cause a scrape, then the scrape becomes a cut, then the cut opens up and then with force and pressure, pain is inflicted as much as possible. "This will teach you" will be the thought, although I still am not sure what I am being punished for. This time I think it is because I couldn't stay in that spot I was in when I came out of IOP. That I have let the depression get out of control again. That I am in the red zone again. That I am at this place of possibly disappointing everyone who has busted their tails to help me. I just can't seem to learn the lesson. Maybe last time wasn't enough pain to get the message through my head.
That is how it works. Didn't learn my lesson last time, have to make sure I "hear myself" this time.