Finally just tired of it all

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I always say, I don't want to die, I just want things to stop and be quiet so I can breathe and catch up, etc. That is what comes with the self harm - I don't want to die, I just need a break.

I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. Not sure why I have to end up in the place again. Not sure what I have done or not done. My days...and sometimes hours...are accompanied by promises and phrases - I'm safe, I won't, I'm good, I will. My actions are so untrustworthy that I spend as much time in therapy as I do at work - and rightfully so.

I'm so done with it. I'm tired of living my life this way. I'm tired of having to promise this and report that. I don't want people worrying about me. I'm exhausted, I would guess they are exhausted too. I hate that I am so screwed up that I have to continually report things, that I can't manage to eat correctly, that I can't even take ownership of my life.

Never thought I would put suicide back on the table as an option. That hasn't been a legit thought for a very, very long time. The fight is just getting too much. When I can't identify trigger moments for my depression, I start believing that this is it, this is the new life. And I know, there's all these coping skills and so on. Seriously though, the daily wake up call of it is, it's a living hell. It's an everyday of "this is not who I am" and trudging through the day hoping at some moment you will wake up from the dream.

It's just where my head is today. Just end it all. Give everyone their time back. Freaks me out that I am even talking like this. What I would do to have the guts to tell someone.

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