2nd Step of Repentance: Guilt
There is a reason I do not act upon my feelings when I get upset, angry, or whatever other feelings fall into that category. Let's see, remember Erika's class key?
Sit with your feelings. Eat those suckers! Do not act! Do not try to act! Agree, don't agree, just keep your mouth shut. If you choose to act, just remember, there are consequences. You would think I knew this for the so many times that actions were taken against me and the consequences I ate.
Sat in church thinking about things and by the end got the feeling of, "apologize." Go back, explain what happened, why you reacted, and see what the consequences are now for you actions. Oh, and there will be consequences, in brief consequences with Mel, it looks like I most likely be losing her as my provider. Consequences. If this happens, can I blame Mel? No. With her new position, I am not really a good fit. At Ascend, if our conversations were more therapeutic over nutrition, it seemed to be ok, she even said it was ok (because I would ask if it were ok from time to time), That's not what she is doing now, and if that is part of the reasoning that comes back, I will not be surprised. I also struggle with compliance (especially staying off the scale) and she told me a long time ago that if someone is not going to work the program, she isn't going to have them in the program. So, yah, if Mel drops me, I will not be surprised as I am also sure that my recent mental health issues are also a concern. And, well, I guess Tami and Mel were a package deal, eh? I did kind of wonder when I quit seeing Tami if there might be and end to seeing Mel down the line.
Apologies. I do have mastery in those. You know what hit me this evening, aside from Chris noting that she didn't see this coming, no one said, "this is unlike you", or "this is uncharacteristic of you, do you need to talk about this first?" or something like this? I mean, no, that is not what I was looking for - as shown by the fact that it didn't even cross my mind until later today - yet, it does come as a surprise. I think there would have been a time that this would have been the reply. Does that mean I am better to the point that they didn't think about it? And yet I understand the other side of it too. It is like the 24 hour rule. It would be like someone doing something drastic for attention. If you give them the attention, then they are basically be rewarded for bad behavior. Therefore, by not saying anything, it forces me into asking for help instead of waiting for them to offer it.
Does this fall into more of the last post of maybe I have more going on with me that people will say and this is just "expected behavior" and so there is no thought to ask? I would not think this, yet, especially with just coming out of inpatient and a history of be willful and such, maybe I have fallen into the "lost cause" bucket. Maybe I am just a name on the paper client and my absence is not even going to be an issue, and if anything, a blessing as it is a space for someone who will do better.
I am not sure how to deal with it at this point. Yes, I am going to have to apologize. Molly and I will have an easy talk about it, and I don't see any issues there except maybe a discussion about the multiplicity of therapists.
Chris will be hard. Chris takes things personally. I have really screwed up with Chris over the years. I have allowed and I have pushed the boundary line to where it is very blurred. That works at times, it doesn't affect us at times, and it really causes a problem too. And this is where we see this whole issue situation enjoying it's little devilish dance.
Ok, let's jump back a therapist. It has been written in past blog entries how I never learned what a therapeutic relationship was until I preparing to be discharged. And the whole being bluntly told how things worked was kind of traumatic in its own right. Yet, I learned a whole lot from the experience.
So about a year and half (or so-ish?) there was a (long shot) possibility of me helping Chris with the upcoming DBT session. Now, for this to transpire, we would have to sever our therapy connection. I was ok with this. Why? Because I would still be working with her, at least until the following spring, and then I would deal with how we would interact. Yet in my mind, it basically would just be moving from one role to another role. So, this didn't work out. I was bummed, yet understood the reasoning. Very soon following, a conversation in regards to if I was willing to stop therapy to do DBT, was I ready to stop therapy? That didn't go over because that included leaving Chris (the person, not the therapist) and I wasn't ready for that, and it really upset me. In the conversation, that was explained.
I have abandonment issues. For plenty of reasons, I fear people leaving and not coming back, or getting close to people and trusting them, and then they leave. See how the therapy family fits into that second one? So that second one, in regards to the therapy family has been talked about from time to time. I do "check-in's" with Chris often to make sure that our relationship is ok. I don't make it easy, I'm sure. With the 35 connection, it has to be difficult to be in the middle of that. Although I cannot say, because I am not there to record facts, I am going to say there are far more conversations in my therapy sessions that I initiate about 35, than in 35's session of 35 initiating of me. I don't care about this in regards to me, my point is, I am putting Chris in the triangle the most.
Guess we haven't talked about my therapy family abandonment issues for quite a while, so her comment was very valid. And, although my thoughts and feelings were very valid, my actions may not have been the best choice. Writing and email was ok, yet it should have been to Chris only, and it should have been more about how the therapeutic family abandonment comment affected me, rather than a "I will show you," as now it will be a I will be shown. Yet, as I said, it is hard to talk to Chris. Maybe that is something I should talk to her about as well. I am sure it is hard to talk to me too, I shut down and I hide my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it is time to start a long email, we all know I do better with email than speaking anyways.
So, it's all in waiting now. I can almost assume 99% that I lost Mel. Not sure what will happen with Molly, I will send her an email as well, and I will give it time that Mel can talk with her. Chris, I will start an email. Lots of things to say, better start soon.
And in the meantime, lots of prayers of repentance.
Sit with your feelings. Eat those suckers! Do not act! Do not try to act! Agree, don't agree, just keep your mouth shut. If you choose to act, just remember, there are consequences. You would think I knew this for the so many times that actions were taken against me and the consequences I ate.
Sat in church thinking about things and by the end got the feeling of, "apologize." Go back, explain what happened, why you reacted, and see what the consequences are now for you actions. Oh, and there will be consequences, in brief consequences with Mel, it looks like I most likely be losing her as my provider. Consequences. If this happens, can I blame Mel? No. With her new position, I am not really a good fit. At Ascend, if our conversations were more therapeutic over nutrition, it seemed to be ok, she even said it was ok (because I would ask if it were ok from time to time), That's not what she is doing now, and if that is part of the reasoning that comes back, I will not be surprised. I also struggle with compliance (especially staying off the scale) and she told me a long time ago that if someone is not going to work the program, she isn't going to have them in the program. So, yah, if Mel drops me, I will not be surprised as I am also sure that my recent mental health issues are also a concern. And, well, I guess Tami and Mel were a package deal, eh? I did kind of wonder when I quit seeing Tami if there might be and end to seeing Mel down the line.
Apologies. I do have mastery in those. You know what hit me this evening, aside from Chris noting that she didn't see this coming, no one said, "this is unlike you", or "this is uncharacteristic of you, do you need to talk about this first?" or something like this? I mean, no, that is not what I was looking for - as shown by the fact that it didn't even cross my mind until later today - yet, it does come as a surprise. I think there would have been a time that this would have been the reply. Does that mean I am better to the point that they didn't think about it? And yet I understand the other side of it too. It is like the 24 hour rule. It would be like someone doing something drastic for attention. If you give them the attention, then they are basically be rewarded for bad behavior. Therefore, by not saying anything, it forces me into asking for help instead of waiting for them to offer it.
Does this fall into more of the last post of maybe I have more going on with me that people will say and this is just "expected behavior" and so there is no thought to ask? I would not think this, yet, especially with just coming out of inpatient and a history of be willful and such, maybe I have fallen into the "lost cause" bucket. Maybe I am just a name on the paper client and my absence is not even going to be an issue, and if anything, a blessing as it is a space for someone who will do better.
I am not sure how to deal with it at this point. Yes, I am going to have to apologize. Molly and I will have an easy talk about it, and I don't see any issues there except maybe a discussion about the multiplicity of therapists.
Chris will be hard. Chris takes things personally. I have really screwed up with Chris over the years. I have allowed and I have pushed the boundary line to where it is very blurred. That works at times, it doesn't affect us at times, and it really causes a problem too. And this is where we see this whole issue situation enjoying it's little devilish dance.
Ok, let's jump back a therapist. It has been written in past blog entries how I never learned what a therapeutic relationship was until I preparing to be discharged. And the whole being bluntly told how things worked was kind of traumatic in its own right. Yet, I learned a whole lot from the experience.
So about a year and half (or so-ish?) there was a (long shot) possibility of me helping Chris with the upcoming DBT session. Now, for this to transpire, we would have to sever our therapy connection. I was ok with this. Why? Because I would still be working with her, at least until the following spring, and then I would deal with how we would interact. Yet in my mind, it basically would just be moving from one role to another role. So, this didn't work out. I was bummed, yet understood the reasoning. Very soon following, a conversation in regards to if I was willing to stop therapy to do DBT, was I ready to stop therapy? That didn't go over because that included leaving Chris (the person, not the therapist) and I wasn't ready for that, and it really upset me. In the conversation, that was explained.
I have abandonment issues. For plenty of reasons, I fear people leaving and not coming back, or getting close to people and trusting them, and then they leave. See how the therapy family fits into that second one? So that second one, in regards to the therapy family has been talked about from time to time. I do "check-in's" with Chris often to make sure that our relationship is ok. I don't make it easy, I'm sure. With the 35 connection, it has to be difficult to be in the middle of that. Although I cannot say, because I am not there to record facts, I am going to say there are far more conversations in my therapy sessions that I initiate about 35, than in 35's session of 35 initiating of me. I don't care about this in regards to me, my point is, I am putting Chris in the triangle the most.
Guess we haven't talked about my therapy family abandonment issues for quite a while, so her comment was very valid. And, although my thoughts and feelings were very valid, my actions may not have been the best choice. Writing and email was ok, yet it should have been to Chris only, and it should have been more about how the therapeutic family abandonment comment affected me, rather than a "I will show you," as now it will be a I will be shown. Yet, as I said, it is hard to talk to Chris. Maybe that is something I should talk to her about as well. I am sure it is hard to talk to me too, I shut down and I hide my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it is time to start a long email, we all know I do better with email than speaking anyways.
So, it's all in waiting now. I can almost assume 99% that I lost Mel. Not sure what will happen with Molly, I will send her an email as well, and I will give it time that Mel can talk with her. Chris, I will start an email. Lots of things to say, better start soon.
And in the meantime, lots of prayers of repentance.