A Whole New World
Life after inpatient rehab. Way different than before. Ok, is that a fair statement? In truth, if I really want to think about it, the emotional cyclone really isn't that different, I just am in a much better situation. At least I'm not getting evicted this round!
I have so much anger in me. Is it a secondary emotion? Hell, I don't know, and it is there. I do not know how to express anger very appropriate. Seems like I have said all of this before, and here I still am. Ah, the work of personal progress.
And happiness? Well, seems I can do that and seems I can destroy that. (And here comes the anger...) Bottom line, I pretty much hate my life as is. The fact of having these mental arguments over just going outside that get so outraged and overloaded that my whole physical self is affected. But wait! This might be self-sabotaging!!! You know you will be really happy if you go outside to work in the shop, so we can't be having that now, can we!! No!! Getting better is not allowed!! Being happy is a sin! Yes! Yes! Yes! This is it! This is the answer!!! I need people to come to my rescue!! Stupid me, how am I now just seeing this!! Ah, that whole, "evaluate for BPD" at inpatient should have been followed closer. Look at that, all I had to do was cut myself off from my therapy family and the truth comes out.....I'm just my mom. That's all that is wrong with me, I am just my mom. And no one had the guts to say it. Well there's a bright looking future ahead. Thank goodness I am single with limited close friends.
Ok, a 4 hour nap may have chilled me out a bit, and I still am not sure where to put my current state of emotion. If there was a description called "in a swirl" I would go with that.
I've gotten riled up before in session. Angry, frustrated, emotions I don't know names for. I package it all under "I'm fine" and then I get to the back hallway, grit my teeth, quietly kick the stairs, hit the banister, start in on myself verbally. I get out the door and to the car it is shaking my head in disbelief that I can't process or sort all the barrage of feelings and emotions that I have hidden in my pocket. I get in the car, either laying my head against the steering wheel or back to the headrest with my eyes closed for a few moments. You know, all those - "If I were to do it again, I would have said...." and yet you know all you would do in reality is ball it back up again and stuff it in your pocket claiming you were fine. And that is the end of any "action", per se.
Not this time. I seem to have forgotten to check my anger, frustration, or something, and I bit. I don't think I bit back, unless the initial was intended to get me riled up, then in that case, I bit back.
I am so over the "you won't let yourself be happy" talk. The self-sabotaging behavior talk. And, I don't say anything because I am not the professional in all of this, I am the sick one. I am the one with the clouded mind (this is how I believe myself to be). Why would I argue with a professional? I mean, if they are saying that the reason I am having issues seems to be XXXX then hey, who am I to judge? This is where I do the above - shut up, start filling my pockets, chew on it all later. Besides, I am not good when it comes to having discussions on things like this because it feels like confrontation to me and we all know how I like that. Now, to clarify, it is not confrontation, nor has it ever been. You see, it is just more of my past coming out. I don't know how to have these kinds of discussions about myself. I am told the way things are (or are going to be) and it doesn't matter if I agree or not, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not, it is just how it is. So my job is to persuade myself that no matter what I think, what I think doesn't matter.
I cut off all the therapy family until after thanksgiving. Yah, I know, a gasp comes from the room, almost sucking all the air out while someone in the back says, "What the F did you do that for?" In one of the most willful, spontaneous, probably stupid, and really angry "I will show you" moves, I reacted to one of those "you won't let yourself be happy" comments. This was the, self-sabotaging in order to not lose the therapy family one. The, I get better, I need less therapy, I keep getting better, I eventually don't need therapy, thus, do not need my therapists anymore - no contact with therapists. So, after letting the small part (it was a very small part of the whole conversation) sit with me for the day, I had the therapy family take me off their schedules until after the break. Thus the, "look, I am not going to curl up in a corner rocking back and forth in the fetal position because I have no contact with you."
Now, not going to lie. I will own my past. Yes, there was a time where I did flip out with the idea of therapy ending and being on my own. And yes, the idea of Chris, Mel, and Tami "leaving" me was enough to put me in a panic. What has changed that? Well, age? time? life? Leaving Tami and the world didn't collapse? Mel and I went through this when she changed jobs, even if I wouldn't have followed her, it would have been ok. Chris? Well, probably just time and maturity. And, sometimes I did stupid things, which I apologized for, yet have had effects on things, I am sure. Humanity.
Is the time away going to be good? Yes and no. I can't speak for them, yet it might be a good break for everyone. In a very judgmental statement, I say, I've been around for quite a while with everyone and especially with all that has just happened, maybe not having me on the agenda for a month will be a nice break for my therapy family. For me? Yes, in regards that it will make me use my other resources if I need help. Yet, if I need actual contact with a therapist, I have kind of screwed myself.
So, why can't I make myself happy? I have no clue. I just wasted another day I could have been in the shop. I slept through the middle of it. I was very keenly aware of what was going on. I got dressed. Made it as far as just needed shoes and socks. Couldn't do it. Couldn't go out there. Couldn't get from my back door to the shop - a whole, maybe 50 feet. It was so overwhelming and scary. My brother called a couple times and would say, you still have time. He also was having dinner right down the street at the restaurant and could have said, why don't you come and join us, I will run down and pick you up. I guess I could have asked too. Could have. Should have.
My life is a whole new world that I am still trying to figure out. Of course it's just the old life looked at differently. Still having to learn to like some of the parts I guess.
I have so much anger in me. Is it a secondary emotion? Hell, I don't know, and it is there. I do not know how to express anger very appropriate. Seems like I have said all of this before, and here I still am. Ah, the work of personal progress.
And happiness? Well, seems I can do that and seems I can destroy that. (And here comes the anger...) Bottom line, I pretty much hate my life as is. The fact of having these mental arguments over just going outside that get so outraged and overloaded that my whole physical self is affected. But wait! This might be self-sabotaging!!! You know you will be really happy if you go outside to work in the shop, so we can't be having that now, can we!! No!! Getting better is not allowed!! Being happy is a sin! Yes! Yes! Yes! This is it! This is the answer!!! I need people to come to my rescue!! Stupid me, how am I now just seeing this!! Ah, that whole, "evaluate for BPD" at inpatient should have been followed closer. Look at that, all I had to do was cut myself off from my therapy family and the truth comes out.....I'm just my mom. That's all that is wrong with me, I am just my mom. And no one had the guts to say it. Well there's a bright looking future ahead. Thank goodness I am single with limited close friends.
Ok, a 4 hour nap may have chilled me out a bit, and I still am not sure where to put my current state of emotion. If there was a description called "in a swirl" I would go with that.
I've gotten riled up before in session. Angry, frustrated, emotions I don't know names for. I package it all under "I'm fine" and then I get to the back hallway, grit my teeth, quietly kick the stairs, hit the banister, start in on myself verbally. I get out the door and to the car it is shaking my head in disbelief that I can't process or sort all the barrage of feelings and emotions that I have hidden in my pocket. I get in the car, either laying my head against the steering wheel or back to the headrest with my eyes closed for a few moments. You know, all those - "If I were to do it again, I would have said...." and yet you know all you would do in reality is ball it back up again and stuff it in your pocket claiming you were fine. And that is the end of any "action", per se.
Not this time. I seem to have forgotten to check my anger, frustration, or something, and I bit. I don't think I bit back, unless the initial was intended to get me riled up, then in that case, I bit back.
I am so over the "you won't let yourself be happy" talk. The self-sabotaging behavior talk. And, I don't say anything because I am not the professional in all of this, I am the sick one. I am the one with the clouded mind (this is how I believe myself to be). Why would I argue with a professional? I mean, if they are saying that the reason I am having issues seems to be XXXX then hey, who am I to judge? This is where I do the above - shut up, start filling my pockets, chew on it all later. Besides, I am not good when it comes to having discussions on things like this because it feels like confrontation to me and we all know how I like that. Now, to clarify, it is not confrontation, nor has it ever been. You see, it is just more of my past coming out. I don't know how to have these kinds of discussions about myself. I am told the way things are (or are going to be) and it doesn't matter if I agree or not, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not, it is just how it is. So my job is to persuade myself that no matter what I think, what I think doesn't matter.
I cut off all the therapy family until after thanksgiving. Yah, I know, a gasp comes from the room, almost sucking all the air out while someone in the back says, "What the F did you do that for?" In one of the most willful, spontaneous, probably stupid, and really angry "I will show you" moves, I reacted to one of those "you won't let yourself be happy" comments. This was the, self-sabotaging in order to not lose the therapy family one. The, I get better, I need less therapy, I keep getting better, I eventually don't need therapy, thus, do not need my therapists anymore - no contact with therapists. So, after letting the small part (it was a very small part of the whole conversation) sit with me for the day, I had the therapy family take me off their schedules until after the break. Thus the, "look, I am not going to curl up in a corner rocking back and forth in the fetal position because I have no contact with you."
Now, not going to lie. I will own my past. Yes, there was a time where I did flip out with the idea of therapy ending and being on my own. And yes, the idea of Chris, Mel, and Tami "leaving" me was enough to put me in a panic. What has changed that? Well, age? time? life? Leaving Tami and the world didn't collapse? Mel and I went through this when she changed jobs, even if I wouldn't have followed her, it would have been ok. Chris? Well, probably just time and maturity. And, sometimes I did stupid things, which I apologized for, yet have had effects on things, I am sure. Humanity.
Is the time away going to be good? Yes and no. I can't speak for them, yet it might be a good break for everyone. In a very judgmental statement, I say, I've been around for quite a while with everyone and especially with all that has just happened, maybe not having me on the agenda for a month will be a nice break for my therapy family. For me? Yes, in regards that it will make me use my other resources if I need help. Yet, if I need actual contact with a therapist, I have kind of screwed myself.
So, why can't I make myself happy? I have no clue. I just wasted another day I could have been in the shop. I slept through the middle of it. I was very keenly aware of what was going on. I got dressed. Made it as far as just needed shoes and socks. Couldn't do it. Couldn't go out there. Couldn't get from my back door to the shop - a whole, maybe 50 feet. It was so overwhelming and scary. My brother called a couple times and would say, you still have time. He also was having dinner right down the street at the restaurant and could have said, why don't you come and join us, I will run down and pick you up. I guess I could have asked too. Could have. Should have.
My life is a whole new world that I am still trying to figure out. Of course it's just the old life looked at differently. Still having to learn to like some of the parts I guess.