Deep Breath and Prayer

It is weird being back in Arkansas. You hear phrases in life like "everything is the same but different" and that's a pretty good explanation for it. I made this drive every year for 10 years and therefore picked up on several landmarks along the way. Seeing I have not been here since 2008, I had forgotten many of them. Even driving in the dark my mind quickly started to flash thoughts....lighthouse ahead on left, strip club that looks like a cave on the right, the intersection in Pocahontas that I always turned the wrong way on. I found myself laughing a lot at how familiar it all was. I would start thinking to myself, "have I passed the [enter landmark here] yet" and try to watch for it even in the obscurity. I woke up early yesterday morning and knew I couldn't meet up with the the sisters in Fredericktown until the afternoon, so decided to go to the temple. It was something I wanted to do and spiritually needed to do. I knew that the inspiration to go wa...

  Nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" than a cheesy dance photo from the 70's! Yes, that is me in the front row, 2nd from the left. Feel free to laugh, I do every time I see this. Of all my class photos (I danced for about 10 years when I was younger - several more as an adult), I always cracked up so hard at this one simply because the group of us look like anything but ballet dancers. This may have been one of the last years I did ballet - I took it until I was old enough to start begging my mom not to make me do it. I was handed a pair of tap shoes and the rest was history. Loved tapping (still do!) So, at picture time, the photographer would have these huge prints in order to showcase the packages, etc. There was always one that was like 17x24 or something. No, not really exaggerating there, it was huge. It almost was always one of the "elite" dancers and usually one of the same few each year. You pretty much knew who would be in the showcase photos. Ap...

It's been a good day today. More wins than losses! Actually, no losses. A couple "what the hell was that " moments, yet no losses. As always, a lot of learning. I'd say that is success. Class went very well tonight. I have been struggling in there since the holidays. Not struggling with class itself, yet how I was placing myself in the context of it. Just residual fallout from the whole loss of confidence setback. I had been making progress on not comparing myself to everyone else which is good, yet I was feeling a little guilty about some "really leaning on judgmental" thoughts and comments from last week. [This week I will be working on my "think before you speak" filter] My goal was to come up with a plan for this week, decide how I was going to go into class before I got there. Let the past be the past and try to just look forward. I decided a few things. First, don't compare myself - at least in a manner where the result would come out tha...

I have a problem. Well, actually, it may not be a problem , so let's try for a different word. I have a situation. You see, there is something great inside of me and I can't get it to come out. I am finding it difficult to locate and bring forward just as much as it is finding it hard to locate a breach somewhere to show itself. I know it is there. I know it has been there....for a long time. Most times I refuse to believe that it is there. It is possible that at times I have gotten a hold of it, yet instead of putting it out in the forefront, I shoved it farther back in my soul. Yet, can one really deny what they know to be true? It's there. And, as all things have balance, there is darkness there too. I know, I know. This is so 180 from how I usually think or express things. My head feels like it is going to explode from all the thoughts that have been coming and going this past week. Something kicked open the flood gates that I thought had been let down long before now. ...

A few weeks back I went through this "I'm not going to write anymore" moment which came back to bite me big time. There's been a lack of blog posts this past week, yet it has nothing to do with lack of writing. There have been a lot of words put on paper this past week yet more personal or directed to certain individuals, and thus not making the public forum. This week has not been about talking to myself, its been about reaching out to others. Its been about trying to let go of some burdens that, even though they may not have been mine to carry in the first place, I took ownership of along the way. Its been about learning to let go. I will let you know how that turns out, still a little early in the process to make a determination. Realized we are down to about 6-8 weeks left of class. Not sure I'm happy with that. It's become such a valuable resource in my healing process that the thought of it being over brings some anxiety. There are more of those "if...

Dear Sister Blew,  You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Argentina Salta Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months. You should report to the Mission Training Center at Provo, Utah on Wednesday, 19 July 1995. You will prepare to teach the gospel in the Spanish language. I still laugh as when we left the MTC, we thought we could speak like the natives! We were going to go preach salvation and never stumble over a word. Yah, it took about 3 seconds after getting off the plane to not only realize you could hardly speak the language, but also that you could not understand a word. Thank goodness my trainer was American! In the mission you change companions and areas every few months. My second companion, Hermana Farias, was from Uruguay and did not speak one word of English. I will never forget the first day we were out together and were talking to someone on the...

Missionary Monday....I am a happy little camper. By noon I had heard from 7 of my little ones. I love reading their mail. Most of them just include me on their mass emails that go to families and friends, some actually take a moment and shoot off a personal note. I remember how precious p-day time was so I am always happy to get a message no matter how it comes in. It is wonderful to read of their experiences and see how they are growing and maturing. Most of them I hear from started their missions in Danville, so it really is getting to see them grow and change. One of my Elders had this line in his message today, "So I have a problem, the harder I try to be better, the more I realize I do wrong." Now, it went on to end well in his letter, yet it sure had me thinking once again. Ok, maybe not once again, yet a good expression of what I seem to continually feel like I run into. I really do have a recurring feeling that the more I work to get healthier, the more I find wrong w...