Scales say good
It's been a good day today. More wins than losses! Actually, no losses. A couple "what the hell was that" moments, yet no losses. As always, a lot of learning. I'd say that is success.
Class went very well tonight. I have been struggling in there since the holidays. Not struggling with class itself, yet how I was placing myself in the context of it. Just residual fallout from the whole loss of confidence setback. I had been making progress on not comparing myself to everyone else which is good, yet I was feeling a little guilty about some "really leaning on judgmental" thoughts and comments from last week. [This week I will be working on my "think before you speak" filter] My goal was to come up with a plan for this week, decide how I was going to go into class before I got there. Let the past be the past and try to just look forward.
I decided a few things. First, don't compare myself - at least in a manner where the result would come out that I was worse or better than another (because simply, this is just not a true statement, no one is better or worse than another). If I were to compare, it would be more of a dialectic stance. If I an another seemed to be going through something similar, than I might compare how I thought/dealt with it along side how they did to see what the similarities and differences were and maybe even come up with a better way to react to the situation.
How did I do with that? I did great. I did not compare myself to anyone tonight. I allowed myself to be on a level playing field with everyone else. I did not censor or change my answers or comments based upon the replies of others. I could have, I had a couple set of answers ready for tonight that I could have chose from based upon what others shared, yet I went with plan A and did not even consider turning the page to select B or C.
I also decided to make more eye contact tonight. Generally, I don't like to make eye contact directly. I will look in the general direction, look at your shoulder, look at the wall behind you, yet not generally in a direct view. I know a lot of communication comes through eye contact, so I thought I would try to be a little more mindful about where I was focusing when engaging in discussion. I also know how uncomfortable it makes me sometimes, so why not try to step out of the box a little?
I feel I did much better with this. I usually do pretty good when listening to others and when others were talking I kept reminding myself, "eyes, look at their eyes" and seemed to stay focused with it. When it was my turn to speak, instead of looking down and talking into my book, I tried to keep my head up, and even if I didn't hit eye to eye, I tried to look around at everyone and acknowledge them visually.
I had been thinking about how I do not interact as much as I maybe could with others in the group during class. (We all do quite well before and after class) Since our group has become smaller, there seems to be more discussion between us all during class. So, for example, if someone is talking about something and struggling to find a solution, another may offer suggestions or ideas. Although I may have ideas or suggestions too, I do not always voice them. Some of the class members are very good at doing this and maybe I don't do it sometimes because I am so focused on watching them engage with each other. My people watching skills get all excited sometimes and while I am mentally taking notes on the logistics of how an interaction is happening, I forget that I might have something to add and that I should say it.
I did fine with this...maybe not the direction I should have gone with it, yet I did interact. Probably not the skill to work on when you are in one of those "life is really good at the moment" moods. I realized that it is too easy to teeter on obnoxious. So, turn up the skill, turn down the excitement. Find the happy medium that is a more appropriate behavior.
What was the word used to describe me tonight....."feisty." Yah, I was. That can be a goal for next week, get some of that out of my system before class starts or just be a little more aware of it so I can keep it in check better. In the meantime though, feisty might be what keeps me going through this next week.
As I see it, the scales seem to be tipping on the side of good day and I am going to go with it. I'm going to own it, and I am going to enjoy it. Today (even though there is not much left of it) I am not going to kick myself, beat myself up, tear myself down, or give in.
Today has been a good day, and I need those once in a while.
Class went very well tonight. I have been struggling in there since the holidays. Not struggling with class itself, yet how I was placing myself in the context of it. Just residual fallout from the whole loss of confidence setback. I had been making progress on not comparing myself to everyone else which is good, yet I was feeling a little guilty about some "really leaning on judgmental" thoughts and comments from last week. [This week I will be working on my "think before you speak" filter] My goal was to come up with a plan for this week, decide how I was going to go into class before I got there. Let the past be the past and try to just look forward.
How did I do with that? I did great. I did not compare myself to anyone tonight. I allowed myself to be on a level playing field with everyone else. I did not censor or change my answers or comments based upon the replies of others. I could have, I had a couple set of answers ready for tonight that I could have chose from based upon what others shared, yet I went with plan A and did not even consider turning the page to select B or C.
I feel I did much better with this. I usually do pretty good when listening to others and when others were talking I kept reminding myself, "eyes, look at their eyes" and seemed to stay focused with it. When it was my turn to speak, instead of looking down and talking into my book, I tried to keep my head up, and even if I didn't hit eye to eye, I tried to look around at everyone and acknowledge them visually.
I had been thinking about how I do not interact as much as I maybe could with others in the group during class. (We all do quite well before and after class) Since our group has become smaller, there seems to be more discussion between us all during class. So, for example, if someone is talking about something and struggling to find a solution, another may offer suggestions or ideas. Although I may have ideas or suggestions too, I do not always voice them. Some of the class members are very good at doing this and maybe I don't do it sometimes because I am so focused on watching them engage with each other. My people watching skills get all excited sometimes and while I am mentally taking notes on the logistics of how an interaction is happening, I forget that I might have something to add and that I should say it.
What was the word used to describe me tonight....."feisty." Yah, I was. That can be a goal for next week, get some of that out of my system before class starts or just be a little more aware of it so I can keep it in check better. In the meantime though, feisty might be what keeps me going through this next week.
As I see it, the scales seem to be tipping on the side of good day and I am going to go with it. I'm going to own it, and I am going to enjoy it. Today (even though there is not much left of it) I am not going to kick myself, beat myself up, tear myself down, or give in.
Today has been a good day, and I need those once in a while.