Because *I* was needed
I have a problem. Well, actually, it may not be a problem, so let's try for a different word. I have a situation. You see, there is something great inside of me and I can't get it to come out. I am finding it difficult to locate and bring forward just as much as it is finding it hard to locate a breach somewhere to show itself. I know it is there. I know it has been there....for a long time. Most times I refuse to believe that it is there. It is possible that at times I have gotten a hold of it, yet instead of putting it out in the forefront, I shoved it farther back in my soul. Yet, can one really deny what they know to be true? It's there. And, as all things have balance, there is darkness there too.
I know, I know. This is so 180 from how I usually think or express things. My head feels like it is going to explode from all the thoughts that have been coming and going this past week. Something kicked open the flood gates that I thought had been let down long before now. I find myself finally going back to the basics to quiet things - close my eyes and breathe. Breathe in deep, hold, breathe out. Repeat. Watch the thoughts slow down with each breath. I can't freeze them, I can only slow them down a bit. I really don't care what is there at the moment, they just need to slow down a little. Breathe in, hold, breathe out.
I am trying to keep most of it to myself, work through the thoughts as I can, try to make plans of action that seem like good routes. It is not so much an unwillingness to share, it just that there are so many thoughts that I feel like I have to pick and choose - this is what I will try to fix/work through myself and this is what I will put out there to get some feedback on. Not sure why I even try to separate it all as I go back and re-read communications and realize that some of that which I am trying to hold back is slipping out. I really need to proofread my communications better, or just quit trying to sort. I always did hate sorting and filing.
I have this great plan of reading my journals from my mission to find "that moment" when life totally changed. Like I will be reading and POOF, there it is! The magic moment. No, it's not going to happen that way. It didn't happen that way. Know why, because I know how it happened, I know what the changing moment was. I really don't have to sit and read and look for it. I know what it was because today I remembered.
At some point in Argentina I remember having the thought that God didn't need just any person there, He needed me. He needed Christy Blew. There was something unique to me that He needed that He couldn't get from anyone else. Whether it was because of some experience I had or maybe that I was the only one who could get through to someone, it had to be me. For success to happen, God didn't need just any missionary, He needed (and wanted).....me.
And that is where my life changed. I was important, and even more so, I was important in the eyes of God (heck, I was actually important to just someone). There was something about me that He saw as special. I had a purpose. I belonged. Sure, missionary life was still far from easy physically or emotionally, yet there was no longer the question of "why am I doing this" because I knew - as simple as I was, *I*, was needed. Yes, it was that simple. Then remember, by small and simple things, great things come to pass.
Coming home from a mission is not easy. You go from this 24/7 spiritual focus and high to having to live back in the "real world." You try to draw on those things you learned and felt. You try to adjust because you have seen yourself so differently than you ever did before yet you have just come back to a place that this "new you" doesn't seem to fit in. It's a tough adjustment.
There really isn't much gray area, missionaries make it or they don't. I didn't make it. In four months, I had forgotten that person God had shown me I really was. That person that God had needed so dearly was no more and the struggles of life, unhealthy coping skills, and less effective choices while trying to make some peace with myself, reminded me of it on a regular basis. Moving away helped some, yet not enough to get me to buy back into an idea of that great importance or that I was even on God's radar anymore. Getting excommunicated a few years later pretty much sealed the deal - I no longer had a purpose, I no longer belonged, I was no longer special, I was not needed. At least that is how it felt. Six months later I would spend a week in a psych unit. I fell from greatness, and I fell hard.
Now, a few years later God did manage to grab me by the collar of my shirt and tell me that He needed me back. There was work to do and He needed me to do it. Finding myself in a little better place in life, I went back. It meant making some sacrifices, yet it all comes down to where your vision is - temporal or eternal. I decided to follow the heavens over following the world. I got my membership back, yet never quite could find that glory I had in the mission.
I kept to myself. I never wanted my presence to offend anyone so I did all I could to just be there yet be invisible. I was asked to teach the investigators/new members class, which was also the class the missionaries attended. I accepted, it was a safe choice and it was the missionary class, how could I say no? There was a difference though, this time around when God said He needed me for something, my thought was "because no one else is available" instead of accepting that it was because I was someone special. I served with all I had and I made an impact, yet I kept my distance too - including from God. The last thing I needed to do was disappoint Him again.
About a year ago, when I was asked to be president of the Relief Society (the women's organization), it was the first time I really was able to recapture that vision of myself I had in the mission. This was not a calling that was given to people like me. This was for women who were married and had kids who could teach all about that stuff. And it was for women who could sew and cook and all that kind of domesticated stuff. Seriously, I was about as far on the other side of the spectrum as it could be, yet for some reason, God wanted me. As well, for what I had been through, to know that He would trust me in such a leadership position spoke volumes. It was like my mission all over again and I loved it. Humbly, I served, I loved, I made things happen, and I did it because God needed.....me. For that moment, even with the struggles of life, it was good.
Having to walk away from it, even though I knew it was the right choice, felt like spiritually it was going to destroy me. The Sunday I got released from the position, I sat there thinking, I no longer had a purpose, I no longer belonged, I was no longer special, I was not needed. Three months later, I still struggle with it. I struggle with my place in the world and I struggle with my relationship with God.
So, the question becomes, can I ever be Hermana Blew without having to have a purpose, without having to belong, without having to be special, and without having to be needed. Can I just be happy with just being the person I know in my heart and soul that I am.
I know, I know. This is so 180 from how I usually think or express things. My head feels like it is going to explode from all the thoughts that have been coming and going this past week. Something kicked open the flood gates that I thought had been let down long before now. I find myself finally going back to the basics to quiet things - close my eyes and breathe. Breathe in deep, hold, breathe out. Repeat. Watch the thoughts slow down with each breath. I can't freeze them, I can only slow them down a bit. I really don't care what is there at the moment, they just need to slow down a little. Breathe in, hold, breathe out.
I am trying to keep most of it to myself, work through the thoughts as I can, try to make plans of action that seem like good routes. It is not so much an unwillingness to share, it just that there are so many thoughts that I feel like I have to pick and choose - this is what I will try to fix/work through myself and this is what I will put out there to get some feedback on. Not sure why I even try to separate it all as I go back and re-read communications and realize that some of that which I am trying to hold back is slipping out. I really need to proofread my communications better, or just quit trying to sort. I always did hate sorting and filing.
I have this great plan of reading my journals from my mission to find "that moment" when life totally changed. Like I will be reading and POOF, there it is! The magic moment. No, it's not going to happen that way. It didn't happen that way. Know why, because I know how it happened, I know what the changing moment was. I really don't have to sit and read and look for it. I know what it was because today I remembered.
At some point in Argentina I remember having the thought that God didn't need just any person there, He needed me. He needed Christy Blew. There was something unique to me that He needed that He couldn't get from anyone else. Whether it was because of some experience I had or maybe that I was the only one who could get through to someone, it had to be me. For success to happen, God didn't need just any missionary, He needed (and wanted).....me.
And that is where my life changed. I was important, and even more so, I was important in the eyes of God (heck, I was actually important to just someone). There was something about me that He saw as special. I had a purpose. I belonged. Sure, missionary life was still far from easy physically or emotionally, yet there was no longer the question of "why am I doing this" because I knew - as simple as I was, *I*, was needed. Yes, it was that simple. Then remember, by small and simple things, great things come to pass.
Coming home from a mission is not easy. You go from this 24/7 spiritual focus and high to having to live back in the "real world." You try to draw on those things you learned and felt. You try to adjust because you have seen yourself so differently than you ever did before yet you have just come back to a place that this "new you" doesn't seem to fit in. It's a tough adjustment.
There really isn't much gray area, missionaries make it or they don't. I didn't make it. In four months, I had forgotten that person God had shown me I really was. That person that God had needed so dearly was no more and the struggles of life, unhealthy coping skills, and less effective choices while trying to make some peace with myself, reminded me of it on a regular basis. Moving away helped some, yet not enough to get me to buy back into an idea of that great importance or that I was even on God's radar anymore. Getting excommunicated a few years later pretty much sealed the deal - I no longer had a purpose, I no longer belonged, I was no longer special, I was not needed. At least that is how it felt. Six months later I would spend a week in a psych unit. I fell from greatness, and I fell hard.
Now, a few years later God did manage to grab me by the collar of my shirt and tell me that He needed me back. There was work to do and He needed me to do it. Finding myself in a little better place in life, I went back. It meant making some sacrifices, yet it all comes down to where your vision is - temporal or eternal. I decided to follow the heavens over following the world. I got my membership back, yet never quite could find that glory I had in the mission.
I kept to myself. I never wanted my presence to offend anyone so I did all I could to just be there yet be invisible. I was asked to teach the investigators/new members class, which was also the class the missionaries attended. I accepted, it was a safe choice and it was the missionary class, how could I say no? There was a difference though, this time around when God said He needed me for something, my thought was "because no one else is available" instead of accepting that it was because I was someone special. I served with all I had and I made an impact, yet I kept my distance too - including from God. The last thing I needed to do was disappoint Him again.
About a year ago, when I was asked to be president of the Relief Society (the women's organization), it was the first time I really was able to recapture that vision of myself I had in the mission. This was not a calling that was given to people like me. This was for women who were married and had kids who could teach all about that stuff. And it was for women who could sew and cook and all that kind of domesticated stuff. Seriously, I was about as far on the other side of the spectrum as it could be, yet for some reason, God wanted me. As well, for what I had been through, to know that He would trust me in such a leadership position spoke volumes. It was like my mission all over again and I loved it. Humbly, I served, I loved, I made things happen, and I did it because God needed.....me. For that moment, even with the struggles of life, it was good.
Having to walk away from it, even though I knew it was the right choice, felt like spiritually it was going to destroy me. The Sunday I got released from the position, I sat there thinking, I no longer had a purpose, I no longer belonged, I was no longer special, I was not needed. Three months later, I still struggle with it. I struggle with my place in the world and I struggle with my relationship with God.
So, the question becomes, can I ever be Hermana Blew without having to have a purpose, without having to belong, without having to be special, and without having to be needed. Can I just be happy with just being the person I know in my heart and soul that I am.