Deep Breath and Prayer

I can't believe I haven't written all week. Well, ok, I can as I have thought about it several times and just have not been able to put the thoughts together to get them on paper. I think I used the phrase "mind-boggling" in an email to Chris earlier this week and that still seems to hold pretty true. I continue to feel like I am in this new world, seeing things new for the first time or just differently. Really not any specific thing, it is sometimes random, it is sometimes a result of working through something. The one thing I do find along my journey, it is all connected. Whether it is connected from a past incident, a past learned behavior, or other, it is so interconnected. I would like to think that is a sign that if I can make forward progression in one area or find peace with one incident, it will affect things down the line. My hands are healing. I think the scars will eventually fade. I think I probably see them quicker than another might and that is ok, it ...

You do not know how bad I just want to stand up, say I am done, and be done. I feel like I am trying and trying and each movement forward is getting me kicked backwards. I know, we can get all into the how it feels versus how it really is, and the thing is, I am having a really hard time seeing what is reality at this point. I can't tell you where my feelings match up to reality because I can't get a grip on reality. The thing is, I can't quit now. I look at my desk and see a few to-do notes. Can't let people down, got to get their work done. I really need to take those notes home because I keep forgetting to do them. I mean, if I am going to really take myself out of commission, I can't leave projects hanging. See, I am not even making sense. I am so messed up right now I don't know which way is up. I know this feeling, this is the worthless and nothingness I used to feel when mom came after me. This is where I cower and beg forgiveness. I admit I am a screw up...

Dear Heavenly Father, I just want you to know that i still read your letter often. I find strength in being able to read many of the words now and know I am on the other side of the fence. As I read the stories you shared, I realize I now have my own. There is still a missing component for me. The authors of those stories seem to have so much confidence and assurity in themselves and their new found lives. I am still so scared and doubting of my strength. I get a few steps ahead and it feels exhilarating. I find myself thinking, "I got this, I can do this" and it feels good. It seems to come with a price. I often feel that as I stand up and start moving forward and being confident, a part of me meets me head-on to tell me that it is not real, it is not going to last, not only am I fooling myself and I will most likely hurt someone in the process. Back up and back off. It breaks my heart. I want to do good, I want to help others, I want to do the right things in life. Sometime...

I'm thinking this should be an email to Chris, and I am opting not to. I don't know where it is going to go and if it is just rambling, then I would feel bad emailing it. I am sure it is just "adjusting to a new life" kind of stuff and somewhere, somehow I will figure it out. I texted 35 and asked her if during recovery did she ever feel like she was going insane, like things were not making any sense and you felt really confused. I feel like I am loosing it. For the past few days there have been these positive events from random people in my life. Unsolicited "you are good" comments, phone calls, messages. Random, out of nowhere kind of things. Not going to complain, it has been nice, it has been like some kind of affirmation that I am moving in the right direction, that I am traveling down the right path. There is a small sense of confusion caused by it as well - why would people randomly say/do things like that for/to me? I don't understand. Today is ...

I feel weird. I think this is the self-compassion thing. It is not a good/bad thing, it is just different....it is vaguely familiar, yet like something from long ago that has crossed my path again. Yah, I guess that would be a valid description. I am not quite sure what to do with it or how to react to it. I know, just let it happen and go from there. Sometimes I do not understand really what that means. Does that mean I try to analyze it, try to describe it, ignore it and just let it exist? I am finding myself kind of confused through it. I get what is happening, just not sure how to proceed with it. I have learned not to ask, "is this normal?" I once in a while will go with, "is this typical?" The general answer is usually something to the effect of, if it works for you and it is not causing harm, then it is most likely ok. Just wish someone could explain to me what it is I am feeling and experiencing. I know it is not bad, it is just new (or new again). It would ...

I can remember the boys doing this when they were young, and I do believe I did it a few times when I was young too. They would come to you with a "boo-boo" which may or may not have been visible. They would ask for a band-aid. Now, whatever the injury was (or was not), it really didn't warrant a band-aid, yet in their eyes, that was the thing that was going to make everything better. At times one might try to tell them that there is nothing there (or it is not as bad) and it didn't need a band-aid, and they knew what they needed to feel better. You pulled out a band-aid, put it on, maybe even gave the spot a kiss, and off they went to the next adventure. Whatever it was that was hurting them was suddenly better. I took my gloves off when I got home last night and looked at my hand. Again, rubbing my fingers over the cuts, feeling the roughness of the skin, my heart aching. The cuts are healed up as far as I am not bleeding anymore and for the most part are starting t...

It is better today. I was promised that it would be. It is slow going. While talking with a friend today I noted that it is different this time. I am not sure if I can explain it, yet something is different. Previously, an incident was followed by a lot of beating myself down emotionally. Get punished, get over it, move on. I didn't ponder on it, I didn't try to figure much out, I just hid it away quicker than a pregnant teen in the 1950's. A part of me is letting it hurt. Ok, so not the destructive, bad kind of hurt. Not the "damn my hand aches" hurt, yet the "my heart is sad, I am sad" hurt. That block of emotions that I was always so quick to run from and dissolve any existence of. It causes a little push/pull in it all as this is not really a skill I am familiar with. Although far from "wallowing in sorrow," just allowing the emotions to exist and come as they will is different. Then becomes the whole question of trying to figure out not on...