Deep Breath and Prayer

I got a little wet today...ok, really, really wet AND I had a blast. I went fishing in the rain for about 2 hours and I do believe fish bite more in the rain. I pulled up 5 good sized bluegills. I didn't even know they got that big. I was the only person out fishing and I was enjoying every minute of it. I was starting to get chilled so I called it a day. I remembered I had a towel in my "emergency bag" in the trunk and so I grabbed it, threw it over my shoulders and went and had lunch at the little restaurant on the dock. I know, I said I was giving up fishing for a while. I thought about that too. I figured it was ok to go - I made my trip to Tuscola yesterday, made it to Brody's baseball game last night, got some computer work finished this morning, and got a load of dishes done. With that, and some cash in my pocket, I gave my permission to go fish. I came home soaked and a plan to take a hot shower yet, with a full belly, I just changed into my jammies and took a...

I haven't written for a while. There really are reasons other than I spend too much time fishing. Is there a step below "avoiding"? Not saying that I have been avoiding writing and yet I am not heartbroken that I am not stopping long enough to look at my emotions in the face. I have been spending a lot of time on myself lately. It has been enjoyable and it has also taken away from time I could be doing things for others. As well, I am spending money I don't really need to be spending. As I left work this afternoon I got to thinking about things and decided that I really need to back off my extracurricular activities. As much as it breaks my heart, I am opting to stay home this weekend. Yes, I am out the money I paid for the ticket for the zoo, yet I am saving on the gas and food. Even if I took a cooler, I would have to buy cooler friendly food. It is  ok, I will watch a few hours of animal planet and call it even. I am going to miss seeing my non-u of I racers yet th...

Yes, there really is a process!

My computer desk has been taken over by ants. I cleaned it off, removed anything that might attract them and they are still coming! I hate summer and ants and they are always worse with the rain. I'm really on my last nerve with them. I did pick up the lighter and started torching them instead of squashing them. You would think that would send a message down the line to go away. Did I mention that I hate ants? I did well most of today and then I must have stopped to take a breath as the "head games switch" flipped before I knew it. Went walking. With each step I got more and more angry with myself. I watched the brick pillars from afar. With each step closer to them I kept asking myself, "are you going to do it?" Some steps my answer was yes, some were no, some were "snap out of it." I wanted to plant my fist square into them. I was anxious, I was mad at myself, and I really just wanted to cause pain to myself. For those wondering, yes, this thought pa...

On sale for $9.99!! Gooey! (And smells) Use enclosed cap. Um, no cap. Saran Wrap!!! All cooked! Shower time! More yellow than blonde. Should have kept it on a little longer, yet it was burning my head. It's ok abut 90% of it will get shaved tomorrow! And we have Blewyhawk again!!!! Seems I didn't get the very bottom of my hair colored, so it has that ombre look. Something new!

I have been seeing a dietitian for about three weeks now and she says I am doing really well. I personally question whether or not I am, yet she and Tami are the pros in this one. I got to thinking today about it all. For some reason working with Melissa too, I can see the eating disorder from a different aspect. I do not think it is a matter of better or worse, just different. Maybe it's more like understanding it a little more?? I watch these patterns of my food consumption and I really do not eat much at all. Especially with working on eating more nutritional I see things. I think about my emotions and thoughts more when I am doing my logs. I am not sure how to explain it. It is like something has clicked and I can almost see the disorder in a way. Maybe it is acceptance. Instead of "I'm a screw up who can't even eat right" filled with guilt and shame, it is more like "I have this thing I struggle with and I am working to get through it." It is like i...

Well hello Christy. Hey. Nice to see you, and you know you can't stay here. I know. Things have just been so confusing lately. Things are changing fast, things have me feeling lost. Sometimes it is feels like too much, too fast. Figured I could come back here for a moment and just remember when it all felt right. I see. I knew this would be a harder part of your journey and that is why I have sent you some of my finest angels.  Oh yes, they are wonderful and amazing and I do not know how I could get through things without them. Thank you for allowing them to be a part of my journey. Why don't you share with me some of the things on your mind? I know you have a lot of thoughts mingling together, so just tell me some of them. I know everyday is a new day and a new chance to define our journey. I also know that I am who I am because of the journey I have been on, even though it has been difficult at times. You see, that is one part of it - I am who I am because of what I have gone...