Deep Breath and Prayer

As I work to get healthy, I have moments that I just shake my head and am quickly reminded of my fragility. Nick was in charge of out meeting today. Yah, that was going to be a nightmare from the beginning as this was a meeting I have had to sit through at least two other times in the past. I did not want to do this today and thought about becoming sick and having to leave work early. Yes, there was a high probability it was going to be a nightmare. Let's just say, it did not disappoint. Within ten minutes it was in full swing and I felt threatened an trapped. I managed to step out for a few moments yet I had to go back in. For the next 40 minutes I was shaking and twitching and doing everything I could to cover and hide it. I did well. It was exhausting and I managed to do it. I got through the meeting and went fishing. I had not planned in going yet I needed something to get me calmed down. 10 fish later, including one so small it looked like it belonged in a gold fish bowl, I ha...

I got a little wet today...ok, really, really wet AND I had a blast. I went fishing in the rain for about 2 hours and I do believe fish bite more in the rain. I pulled up 5 good sized bluegills. I didn't even know they got that big. I was the only person out fishing and I was enjoying every minute of it. I was starting to get chilled so I called it a day. I remembered I had a towel in my "emergency bag" in the trunk and so I grabbed it, threw it over my shoulders and went and had lunch at the little restaurant on the dock. I know, I said I was giving up fishing for a while. I thought about that too. I figured it was ok to go - I made my trip to Tuscola yesterday, made it to Brody's baseball game last night, got some computer work finished this morning, and got a load of dishes done. With that, and some cash in my pocket, I gave my permission to go fish. I came home soaked and a plan to take a hot shower yet, with a full belly, I just changed into my jammies and took a...

I haven't written for a while. There really are reasons other than I spend too much time fishing. Is there a step below "avoiding"? Not saying that I have been avoiding writing and yet I am not heartbroken that I am not stopping long enough to look at my emotions in the face. I have been spending a lot of time on myself lately. It has been enjoyable and it has also taken away from time I could be doing things for others. As well, I am spending money I don't really need to be spending. As I left work this afternoon I got to thinking about things and decided that I really need to back off my extracurricular activities. As much as it breaks my heart, I am opting to stay home this weekend. Yes, I am out the money I paid for the ticket for the zoo, yet I am saving on the gas and food. Even if I took a cooler, I would have to buy cooler friendly food. It is  ok, I will watch a few hours of animal planet and call it even. I am going to miss seeing my non-u of I racers yet th...

Yes, there really is a process!

My computer desk has been taken over by ants. I cleaned it off, removed anything that might attract them and they are still coming! I hate summer and ants and they are always worse with the rain. I'm really on my last nerve with them. I did pick up the lighter and started torching them instead of squashing them. You would think that would send a message down the line to go away. Did I mention that I hate ants? I did well most of today and then I must have stopped to take a breath as the "head games switch" flipped before I knew it. Went walking. With each step I got more and more angry with myself. I watched the brick pillars from afar. With each step closer to them I kept asking myself, "are you going to do it?" Some steps my answer was yes, some were no, some were "snap out of it." I wanted to plant my fist square into them. I was anxious, I was mad at myself, and I really just wanted to cause pain to myself. For those wondering, yes, this thought pa...

On sale for $9.99!! Gooey! (And smells) Use enclosed cap. Um, no cap. Saran Wrap!!! All cooked! Shower time! More yellow than blonde. Should have kept it on a little longer, yet it was burning my head. It's ok abut 90% of it will get shaved tomorrow! And we have Blewyhawk again!!!! Seems I didn't get the very bottom of my hair colored, so it has that ombre look. Something new!

I have been seeing a dietitian for about three weeks now and she says I am doing really well. I personally question whether or not I am, yet she and Tami are the pros in this one. I got to thinking today about it all. For some reason working with Melissa too, I can see the eating disorder from a different aspect. I do not think it is a matter of better or worse, just different. Maybe it's more like understanding it a little more?? I watch these patterns of my food consumption and I really do not eat much at all. Especially with working on eating more nutritional I see things. I think about my emotions and thoughts more when I am doing my logs. I am not sure how to explain it. It is like something has clicked and I can almost see the disorder in a way. Maybe it is acceptance. Instead of "I'm a screw up who can't even eat right" filled with guilt and shame, it is more like "I have this thing I struggle with and I am working to get through it." It is like i...