Deep Breath and Prayer

Been dodging writing on here. Decided if I couldn't write something that was was negative, dark, or defeating, then I needed to just stay away. Have kind of done the same with my drawing. Guess what, the only thing it is accomplishing is no writing and no drawings and a lot of stuff building up in my head. And then I end up in the "I wish I could talk to someone" versus "don't you think you have bothered people enough" argument playing over and over in my head. Yes, I probably have bothered and annoyed the hell out of people lately with my whining and carrying on, yet that doesn't negate that I still wish I had someone to talk to. Maybe I need to expand my people I know as to give the ones in my current circle a break from me. Yah, seems I am in that spot again. I am not fond of this spot. I am not really my best advocate when I am here. Thing is, I don't work real hard to allow anyone else to be my advocate either. My hand and arm are healing from m...

I have come to the conclusion that nothing sucks like: waking up only to realize you hurt yourself more than you thought. needing a safe place to go and not having one. going somewhere you previously felt safe, and no longer feel safe there. letting your choices take away your safe place. feeling too ashamed to ask anyone to let you hang around.  Hmmm, seems like I am back to normal. And to think, I didn't feel I would ever get there.

I feel like hell. I know, what a way to start a post, eh?? No, not physically (although it is hot enough that there could be a hell reference) yet in my head, I feel like a failure, like I have really messed things up. Yah, I feel like hell. I believe that hell is not so much a place as a state of mind. I think that when we cross over and realize the things we could have done and didn't, the people we could have helped and passed up, the hurt we caused because of less effective choices...this will be hell. I see it based on choices with knowledge (because how can you be accountable if you do not know?). Like those who have addictions and blatantly chose not to do anything about them. I see those just haunting one in the next life. I am not sure if it is possible to overcome an addiction based on your physical body if you have no physical body. Seeing that addiction has that huge mental side to it, I am guessing that it does not just go away at the time of death. Tess keeps pawing a...

Last week, Melissa gave me the homework to email her everyday and to include a photo that was from me being outside. I thought I would share those here too. She has extended my homework assignment indefinently, so there is a photo a day going to her with a recap of how I am doing with food. It is possible more photos of the week may show up.

Ok. I have decided. No more vacations unless I have planned things I *have* to do. Although it has been nice not having to go to work, I think the time off has "done damage" as well. No reason to beat myself up, I would not know this unless I gave it a try. Life is a learning experience, correct? Did I complete any thing on my to-do list? Not as of yet. Yes, I still have a day left, and I might get dishes and laundry crossed off the list. I had good intentions, yet what do they say? " The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  I've been pretty hard on myself this past week and had a pretty strong desire to be even harder. I got mad at myself a lot. Some for legitimate reasons, most for not. I'm really failing with the eating stuff. I feel horrible about it, apparently more horrible than Tami or Melissa. I understand that I have to eat more, and I struggle so hard with that. Earlier I got some applesauce for a snack and I just stuck it in my mouth and ...

When I would mess things up with mom, I would do all I could to fix them. I would admit to being a screw up, being selfish, not meeting her expectations, and more. Throughout it, I would apologize over and over. I would apologize and tell her I would try harder, I would try to be better. She would reply either, "that is what you said last time" or "sorry isn't going to cut it anymore" or "I keep hearing you say it but I don't see you doing it." That is what has been going through my head tonight, over and over. I feel like I am disappointing everyone, and so I keep apologizing even when I am being told I don't have to. With each apology, I flinch a little, awaiting the responses I am so used to hearing - the ones that, although so destructive, are so familiar. I feel really messed up emotionally right now, and could very quickly move into a "I'm not safe" position. The desire to hurt myself scale is 10+ and the intent scale is qui...

A better day today. Still not on top of things yet am not planning my destruction. I feel lost, yet different than usual. It is not so much of not knowing where I am as much as I am at a loss of what to do. The time off has been a learning experience. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to take time off without having things I *have* to do. I really do believe that if Melissa had not challenged me to a photo a day of something from outside, I would have stayed in much more. I have come to the conclusion that constant rain is as bad as snowy winters. I know part of me struggling right now is the dang dreary weather. Makes ya want to crawl up in a corner and disappear. I kind of feel like a big failure. I had all these plans and good intentions to do things and I did not really do anything. I know I still have three days yet I doubt it changes much. I am frustrated that I get overwhelmed so quickly and that my recourse is to shut down. When did things get so hard? I was not always l...