Deep Breath and Prayer

While wandering around Farm and Fleet today, I ran across this sign. It made me laugh and I thought about how I always say that the demons are not allowed to come fish with me. My time fishing is a special time and I might share my thoughts and adventures and I may keep others just for myself. I really would have bought it yet it was almost $20 and I thought to myself that I bet I could make one.

One of my goals this year is to take a photo(s) each day, and here is day 1. The new year means time to redo the primary bulletin board. Having looked online, I saw some ideas that I liked, and hoped I could do some of them. 2016 Theme: I know the Scriptures are true "3-D" Scriptures The finished board! Not perfect but created with lots of love.

Posts from previous blog known as "Finding Blew" written the summer between year 1 and 2 of DBT, through year 2 of DBT, and the summer following May 2014 - Sept 2015) . Compiled together with all former blogs in Jan 2019.

Well, hey, I made it a week. That has to be worth something right? I feel like I have done nothing but ate this week. I tell ya, I don't know if there will ever be a time where I feel like I am eating just the right amount. I am either not hardly eating at all or I am eating constantly. I am told continually that I am not eating too much, yet it sure does feel like it. I did the big no-no the other day, I got on the scales at work. Yah, still not happy at all with the number, yet it is what it is. I am still a good person is what everyone would tell me. Even as big as I am, I am still a good person. I still think about all the people that supported me as I lost all the weight and I often wonder what they think. Are they like me and feel like I failed? It is a tough spot to be in. Then there are the many issues with my body image. I think I have came to some agreement with all of those in the sense that I have realized that there is not anyone who is ever going to see it, so hey, wh...

4:47. I have been doing good all day. Even had a good session with Chris. Even with everything that was on my mind, I did well. Went fishing and now here I sit in my car, emotionally crashing. I just started getting sad all of a sudden. Cannot think of anything obviously that triggered it. I got fin stabbed by a fish yet that is not something to make me sad, that just makes me wish I had band aids in my tackle box. I feel alone, really alone. Maybe it was getting a text from Erickson. I miss my missionaries and they have moved on with life and it is really odd to not have regular communication with them. Maybe it was talking about mom. I doubt that, as that makes me anxious and scared not sad. Maybe it was the "hungry for love" discussion. I am going to lean toward that one. I keep going back to that discussion and chewing on it. I sit and think "if I read the affirmations sheet to God, will He give me a hug and tell me He loves me?" I am guessing the answer would b...

I have not written in a very long time. Between my weekly missionary letters and my therapy visits where I seem to talk way too much, I just haven't written. I don't think that I am keeping myself from writing, I mean I am not having this great desire to write and then telling myself that I can't. I just don't have "much to say" - at least through this medium. Have not drawn very much either although I did have an interesting one in my head the other day that I almost put down on paper. I think that the trigger for that one has not finished its course, so I imaging it will get drawn eventually. It is almost 4 pm. I have been up a whole 2.5 hours. Only got out of bed because Lora came by to pick up some stuff. Would most likely still be in bed had she not been by. I have a lot to get done today and I am just not feeling it. Was like this yesterday too. I do believe this is called "depression." I seriously could go back to bed right now, and might just...

As I have said before, drawing has been a major key to helping me express emotions and thoughts that I have struggled to find the words. I think my favorites of lately are the one I did a few weeks back about "going home" and this one that came through the Vegas trip.  I got thinking about this one a lot as I have gone through these past several days. I wondered how it plays out. Can I see what is on the other side? I do not think so. I think it is more of a "hope this is what is on the other side." I do hope what comes out in my drawings (the positive ones) is reality. Granted, one cannot know for sure, yet I hope. For many years I would reach out in front of me, as if the veil between here and the eternities was so thin that I could feel those on the other side.  It exists...the other side. We are never far from our loved ones who were here before us and our family and friends who are still waiting to join us here. Yet we can't get back there until we come her...