Broken beyond repair?
Have you ever been trying to fix something that is broken and each time you think you have got it, you find another crack, break, or defect. You dab on more glue or add more tape. You might add something to support it until it dries.
A few years ago a friend mailed me a handmade bell of decent size that she had made and fired. She had sent me photos and I was so exited to have a piece of her art. Sadly, despite all the "fragile" stickers on the box, bubble wrap in the box, and stuffing in the bell, it did not arrive in one piece. My heart sank. I took the bell and began to put the pieces back together, dry-fitting them so I would be sure I had each piece in the correct place as to show the amazing design etched in the pottery. I researched the best solution to adhere the pieces back together. I glued the pieces together gently as not to cause more damage. I placed masking tape across the sections to hold the shape and support, then I let it sit and cure. I had done all I could. A week later I was excited to take the tape off, attach the hangar and take it outside to hear its beautiful sound. As I lifted the bell, it broke under its own weight. The original damage had been too extensive and even with as much love and care I put into it, it could not be saved.
I often wonder sometimes if we can get to this point. We wake up one day and find ourselves pretty broken. We survey the damage and start to patch ourselves up. Often we realize as we are fixing one crack others have formed. We glue, tape, even ask someone to "hold here" while we tie a knot. We look at the job we have done. It's ok that there are some scars as they will just be reminders of the great work we did to put ourselves back together. And then for a time we sit and heal. We get excited as the glue dries and sets. Our eyes start to sparkle as the tape starts to fall off, not needing to hold things together anymore. We watch strings loosen and fall away as we become whole again. Then we stand only to shatter under our own weight. Even after our best efforts and greatest intentions, we were broken beyond repair.
Maybe it is humility. Maybe it is a reality check. Maybe it is just the cold, hard truth.
After so many long days of gluing, taping, and licking my wounds, I have come to the conclusion that I am a still quite broken. I was getting so excited watching the glue start to dry that I forgot there are not only still plenty of deep wounds to fix but also ones that are much deeper than I anticipated. I guess sometimes you don't realize just how damaged a piece is until you pick it up and start to inspect it closer. And then you think to yourself, "how will I ever fix this now?"
I wonder which is harder to fix - damage caused by ourselves or damage caused by others. How about when you think it is from one source and then while fixing it find out it was actually the other? Does it change the effort you put into it? Does it make you want to stop? Does it make you want to work harder? You may even wonder if you can just survive without that piece. Sometimes we are too harsh on ourselves.
So you sit with the piece in your hands. You feel the edges - rough and chipped. Can you remember when it was whole? When it was not even a thought as it was part of a larger system? Your heart swells with compassion. Just as with the bell, you dry-fit the piece where it belongs. It no longer sits flush. Maybe if you turn it, tilt it, keep adjusting it. It has to sit just right as to show off the beautiful pattern etched in you. No, it is broken more than you realized. What are you going to do. You lay it down, walk away from it, come back, look at it again. Each time you find more cracks and chips. You start to wonder if your ambition to be whole was actually your downfall.
Welcome to the real world.
A few years ago a friend mailed me a handmade bell of decent size that she had made and fired. She had sent me photos and I was so exited to have a piece of her art. Sadly, despite all the "fragile" stickers on the box, bubble wrap in the box, and stuffing in the bell, it did not arrive in one piece. My heart sank. I took the bell and began to put the pieces back together, dry-fitting them so I would be sure I had each piece in the correct place as to show the amazing design etched in the pottery. I researched the best solution to adhere the pieces back together. I glued the pieces together gently as not to cause more damage. I placed masking tape across the sections to hold the shape and support, then I let it sit and cure. I had done all I could. A week later I was excited to take the tape off, attach the hangar and take it outside to hear its beautiful sound. As I lifted the bell, it broke under its own weight. The original damage had been too extensive and even with as much love and care I put into it, it could not be saved.
I often wonder sometimes if we can get to this point. We wake up one day and find ourselves pretty broken. We survey the damage and start to patch ourselves up. Often we realize as we are fixing one crack others have formed. We glue, tape, even ask someone to "hold here" while we tie a knot. We look at the job we have done. It's ok that there are some scars as they will just be reminders of the great work we did to put ourselves back together. And then for a time we sit and heal. We get excited as the glue dries and sets. Our eyes start to sparkle as the tape starts to fall off, not needing to hold things together anymore. We watch strings loosen and fall away as we become whole again. Then we stand only to shatter under our own weight. Even after our best efforts and greatest intentions, we were broken beyond repair.
Maybe it is humility. Maybe it is a reality check. Maybe it is just the cold, hard truth.
After so many long days of gluing, taping, and licking my wounds, I have come to the conclusion that I am a still quite broken. I was getting so excited watching the glue start to dry that I forgot there are not only still plenty of deep wounds to fix but also ones that are much deeper than I anticipated. I guess sometimes you don't realize just how damaged a piece is until you pick it up and start to inspect it closer. And then you think to yourself, "how will I ever fix this now?"
I wonder which is harder to fix - damage caused by ourselves or damage caused by others. How about when you think it is from one source and then while fixing it find out it was actually the other? Does it change the effort you put into it? Does it make you want to stop? Does it make you want to work harder? You may even wonder if you can just survive without that piece. Sometimes we are too harsh on ourselves.
So you sit with the piece in your hands. You feel the edges - rough and chipped. Can you remember when it was whole? When it was not even a thought as it was part of a larger system? Your heart swells with compassion. Just as with the bell, you dry-fit the piece where it belongs. It no longer sits flush. Maybe if you turn it, tilt it, keep adjusting it. It has to sit just right as to show off the beautiful pattern etched in you. No, it is broken more than you realized. What are you going to do. You lay it down, walk away from it, come back, look at it again. Each time you find more cracks and chips. You start to wonder if your ambition to be whole was actually your downfall.
Welcome to the real world.