Fight, run, or deny

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Class is moving along quickly. Its not easy. You have to want to change, want to better yourself. Every week in class (and through the week when practicing) over and over again you are faced with the choice to change. Of course that choice is completely yours.

As I have said before, I am loving it. Even in its difficulty, there is power in realizing a behavior is hurting you, owing up to it, telling yourself it can no longer be an option, then letting it go. The beauty of what we are learning in class is that there are so many healthy things available to fill the void. It is like throwing out the old ratty sheet and getting a big warm comforter in its place. And it's not just "a" comforter it's reversible, microfiber, and machine washable! There might even be matching pillow cases. One thing I am learning is that if I can just trust and let go of the bad, there is generally a whole abundance of good waiting in its place.

So, I've been filling the emotional dumpster as much as I can along the way. It is not as easy as it sounds. Most pieces are quite heavy. Others are entangled in larger pieces. Sometimes you think you got it in the dumpster only to realize it slipped out and you have to start over again. Some pieces have sentimental value to you and you sit with them for a while trying to decide if you are ready to toss them.  The thing is, you are trying. You are doing your best with what you know. People inquire of the renovation and you enjoy sharing what you have worked on. You are realistic that there is so much more to go and that fires up your spirit.You know you are getting cocky and obnoxious yet at least at this point, it is working to your advantage.

Trust is the willingness to be vulnerable.

If you have ever done any kind of renovation, you know that there are going to be surprises. Whether you plan for them or not, they will be there. In our excitement to take a sledgehammer to a wall, we might forget to consider the possibility that the wall is not hollow. So you swing away until you find yourself on your tail, across the floor because you didn't realize there was a electrical box that had been covered up long ago. Always remember, there could be things underneath the surface that you don't realize. And sometimes they cause pain. A lot of pain.

Believe it or not, I do actually have one person in my life that I can go and tell any and all things to. I know she is going to give it back to me just as straight as I give it to her. For years she has been trying to get it though my head to fix things before they become "life or death" situations. Yes, I am stubborn. I also will keep trying to open a door by pushing on it because I won't stop long enough to read the sign that says "pull."

Although I actually see her for non-psychological things, when my life gets to "that point" and I feel I can't turn anywhere else, I go in and I am honest with her. I know she will pull no punches. It is probably to her sanity's advantage that I only show up about every three months. She listens. She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me. She congratulates me and she chastises me. She knows my games of avoidance and running. She lets me go for awhile then yanks on my chain, as to ask me if I am ready to be serious yet. Then, she puts her arms around me and challenges me, putting the ball in my court. And, with all the compassion in the world, reminds me that if I don't chose to get my act together, she's going to stick her foot up my tail. I would not want our relationship to be any other way.

When you are working on cleaning up a pile of things that have been there for a long time, you forget what is underneath. There are times when you really have no clue what is under there. You might assume you know, yet you have no clue. 

Reality is, you do have an idea of what is there and you refuse to acknowledge it. You want to deny its existence. You want to deny the correlation of it all. You want to fix everything else and avoid it at all costs. Then one day you wake up and you realize exactly what it is. You see the enormity of it. You are shown how much it has damaged you and continues to do so. You cannot fix it alone, you have a problem.

The next step has been placed in my hands. I face possibly the scariest and most important fight of my life and it is my choice - fight, run, or deny.

I, have a problem. 
I, need help.
I, didn't realize I was this broken.

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