DBT Crack
At some point you just have to believe in yourself, have faith in your higher power, and go for it.
I dropped a text to a friend earlier today expressing some feelings I was having. I knew that she would provide me honest feedback. We all need those people in our lives who will straight up tell you if you are or are not making good life choices. They do it because they love you. They the ones who will praise and encourage you and you know it is not sugar coated fluff, it is the truth. Of course, this is the same friend who over 20 years ago got me in a car on a long drive where I couldn't get away and gave me a stern "you are screwing your life up" talk. Unless I wanted to look like the week's roadkill, I was stuck listening to it. Oh, it made me so mad and to this day I am continually thankful for her boldness. She is one of my guardian angels. She probably should have put in for hazard pay years ago!
There are aspects of my life that seem to be moving at warp speed lately. I sit in class and soak in every word I can. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on something said that I actually end up missing things. When it was suggested I look into the class, it was said that I might find some tools in there to help me cope with life a little better. I believe the other comment made suggested that by the end of the class I would have the option to look at myself and my life in a different way. Walking in there with a lifetime of self doubt and hate, I was up for it for the most part. What could it hurt?
Dude, this class is like crack. I cannot learn enough. Even when I don't fully understand something, I can still tell the usefulness of its application. In between classes I am researching things online and dropping questions to the instructors. If I don't understand it, I do by the next class. My mind runs on overtime. Thank goodness they stress breathing! I try to consciously practice skills daily and be aware even when I am not trying. I get asked how class is going and I get all excited and it's hard to shut me up.
There are a lot of factors combined for such success. Obviously, I have to be willing to "work the program" as we would say in Al-anon. My success or failure in this will depend on my attitude and my commitment. The way the class is taught plays a big part. If you would have handed me a book of all this and said "read this" then I would not be much farther than I was two months ago. There are also a lot of people aside from myself involved in the process. It is not a solo journey and I would never think of taking personal credit for the success of it. Everyone has a role.
Being a visual and hands-on learner, the interactivity and assignments along with a positive attitude from the instructors aces it for me. None of this "now I am going to read this power point slide, take notes, test next week" stuff. Might as well give me the book to read. We are shown, we practice, we give feedback, we ask questions, and we learn. For the most part, there are no wrong answers and there is no pressure to participate. Yes, outside of class I make a lot of quips in regards to mindfulness exercises, but if you actually listen to me you will realize that I am apparently paying attention. My nephew is my accountability partner. He gets to listen to what I've learned and I ask him lots of "what do you think about that" questions. We remind each other often to look for the "blue donkey" and have a deal to do "Peter Pan poses and half smiles" each day before he leaves for the bus.
At the end of the day, I understand the great value of all of it. This is not only because I have made it to the end of the day. but because I wanted to make it to the end of the day. I'm telling you, it's crack.
As enjoyable the wins are, it has not been easy. Just like when I decided to get healthy physically, it had to be a lifestyle change. It would have to be a serious commitment. Options such as giving up, giving in, and quitting could not be available. At least with the weight loss I had a general idea what I was in for, with this I was in total uncharted territory. At some level I would have to trust myself - the person I trusted the least. All I knew was that something had to change. When you can't think back to a time when you did not deeply hate yourself (no matter what you showed the world), then it is time for a change.
I had a jump start on some things - my decision to start feeling emotions came out of the exhaustion of fighting them for so many years. I couldn't keep them from happening, so maybe it was time to try and learn what to do with them. It was time to put names to them no matter how scary they appeared, and oh did they appear. If I would have thought a little more about it, maybe I could have come up with a way to slowly let the big wall down instead of blowing up the dam. Well, leave it to me - all or nothing!
I think my initial "ah-ha" moment with class came the first night we talked about distress tolerance. As we went through several things one could do, I got excited. There were several of these things I had done through the years. Could it be possible I really did have a tiny grasp on my life? The key was that now I was learning the how and why behind these things. I think this is where my brain went into sponge mode (crack alert!). I also was able to realize that some of the things I chose to do were either not healthy or I was unable to keep them in healthy boundaries. Mix that with the odd dynamic in the class that night (I could write a whole post on that alone) and it was like God whispered in my ear "see, you have the power to do this."
Learning and doing sometimes run parallel, sometimes intersect. Like a kid with free run in a candy store, I still only felt safe eating the m&m's. Even though I had access to all the different candy and had been told what they were, I didn't know what they would taste like or if they would satisfy my cravings. As I was learning so many new ways to deal with things, I would find myself falling back into old habits. Unsafe and unhealthy, they were familiar. I knew they worked even though they were damaging. It would be nice if it were candy, blue m&m's could save the world - self-harming behaviors, not so much.
For those 90 minutes once a week, life was good. Wasn't always the best outside. I was changing, my mind was changing, I started to see life differently, and it was overwhelming. I was running faster than I could walk and expecting way more than I could offer. In a sense, I guess that was a sign that I was ok, as this is how I generally go through life. The problem was, with all the new information coming in and the desire to change, it was starting to take a huge toll.
When God tells you He will not let you fail, He doesn't. When you can't stand up despite trying, He sends someone (or multiple people) to offer you a hand. Of course, when you struggle with accepting help, He just has them grab you and pull you to your feet. Then He "firmly" whispers "next time, just take their hand(s)." Ok, God. I will work on this one too.
There have been some really huge wins - great strides forward. Moments where I have broken free of things that have had me bound for years. Most definitely a call for warm fuzzies as my perceptions and vision changes. I never expected it to happen, let alone this fast. It has come with its fair share of heart ache. There is a part of myself left behind. However you want to label it, it is a part of the person I am. It has been the key to keeping me alive - even if the choices were not so healthy. I would like to think that I am just folding it nicely and putting it in the bottom of the cedar chest instead of destroying it. It is not needed anymore and it is still mine. It remains to remind me of a place I once was and how far I have come.
Today the heart ache got me here - a reminder that I am of worth. Yes, let me remind you as I remind myself, I am not only of worth, it is great and amazing worth. I once stood with charge over angels and it is in my future to do so again. People used to look at me, as if looking at my soul and say "who are you?" because they saw it. I have seen it again and I have reclaimed it. My worth and value are just that...mine. No one gets to take them from me ever again.
Now, seeing that I have done great and marvelous things while dragging myself along rock bottom, just wait until I am at 100% again - I will move mountains!
Seriously, crack I tell ya. Crack.
I dropped a text to a friend earlier today expressing some feelings I was having. I knew that she would provide me honest feedback. We all need those people in our lives who will straight up tell you if you are or are not making good life choices. They do it because they love you. They the ones who will praise and encourage you and you know it is not sugar coated fluff, it is the truth. Of course, this is the same friend who over 20 years ago got me in a car on a long drive where I couldn't get away and gave me a stern "you are screwing your life up" talk. Unless I wanted to look like the week's roadkill, I was stuck listening to it. Oh, it made me so mad and to this day I am continually thankful for her boldness. She is one of my guardian angels. She probably should have put in for hazard pay years ago!
There are aspects of my life that seem to be moving at warp speed lately. I sit in class and soak in every word I can. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on something said that I actually end up missing things. When it was suggested I look into the class, it was said that I might find some tools in there to help me cope with life a little better. I believe the other comment made suggested that by the end of the class I would have the option to look at myself and my life in a different way. Walking in there with a lifetime of self doubt and hate, I was up for it for the most part. What could it hurt?
Dude, this class is like crack. I cannot learn enough. Even when I don't fully understand something, I can still tell the usefulness of its application. In between classes I am researching things online and dropping questions to the instructors. If I don't understand it, I do by the next class. My mind runs on overtime. Thank goodness they stress breathing! I try to consciously practice skills daily and be aware even when I am not trying. I get asked how class is going and I get all excited and it's hard to shut me up.
There are a lot of factors combined for such success. Obviously, I have to be willing to "work the program" as we would say in Al-anon. My success or failure in this will depend on my attitude and my commitment. The way the class is taught plays a big part. If you would have handed me a book of all this and said "read this" then I would not be much farther than I was two months ago. There are also a lot of people aside from myself involved in the process. It is not a solo journey and I would never think of taking personal credit for the success of it. Everyone has a role.
Being a visual and hands-on learner, the interactivity and assignments along with a positive attitude from the instructors aces it for me. None of this "now I am going to read this power point slide, take notes, test next week" stuff. Might as well give me the book to read. We are shown, we practice, we give feedback, we ask questions, and we learn. For the most part, there are no wrong answers and there is no pressure to participate. Yes, outside of class I make a lot of quips in regards to mindfulness exercises, but if you actually listen to me you will realize that I am apparently paying attention. My nephew is my accountability partner. He gets to listen to what I've learned and I ask him lots of "what do you think about that" questions. We remind each other often to look for the "blue donkey" and have a deal to do "Peter Pan poses and half smiles" each day before he leaves for the bus.
At the end of the day, I understand the great value of all of it. This is not only because I have made it to the end of the day. but because I wanted to make it to the end of the day. I'm telling you, it's crack.
As enjoyable the wins are, it has not been easy. Just like when I decided to get healthy physically, it had to be a lifestyle change. It would have to be a serious commitment. Options such as giving up, giving in, and quitting could not be available. At least with the weight loss I had a general idea what I was in for, with this I was in total uncharted territory. At some level I would have to trust myself - the person I trusted the least. All I knew was that something had to change. When you can't think back to a time when you did not deeply hate yourself (no matter what you showed the world), then it is time for a change.
I had a jump start on some things - my decision to start feeling emotions came out of the exhaustion of fighting them for so many years. I couldn't keep them from happening, so maybe it was time to try and learn what to do with them. It was time to put names to them no matter how scary they appeared, and oh did they appear. If I would have thought a little more about it, maybe I could have come up with a way to slowly let the big wall down instead of blowing up the dam. Well, leave it to me - all or nothing!
I think my initial "ah-ha" moment with class came the first night we talked about distress tolerance. As we went through several things one could do, I got excited. There were several of these things I had done through the years. Could it be possible I really did have a tiny grasp on my life? The key was that now I was learning the how and why behind these things. I think this is where my brain went into sponge mode (crack alert!). I also was able to realize that some of the things I chose to do were either not healthy or I was unable to keep them in healthy boundaries. Mix that with the odd dynamic in the class that night (I could write a whole post on that alone) and it was like God whispered in my ear "see, you have the power to do this."
Learning and doing sometimes run parallel, sometimes intersect. Like a kid with free run in a candy store, I still only felt safe eating the m&m's. Even though I had access to all the different candy and had been told what they were, I didn't know what they would taste like or if they would satisfy my cravings. As I was learning so many new ways to deal with things, I would find myself falling back into old habits. Unsafe and unhealthy, they were familiar. I knew they worked even though they were damaging. It would be nice if it were candy, blue m&m's could save the world - self-harming behaviors, not so much.
For those 90 minutes once a week, life was good. Wasn't always the best outside. I was changing, my mind was changing, I started to see life differently, and it was overwhelming. I was running faster than I could walk and expecting way more than I could offer. In a sense, I guess that was a sign that I was ok, as this is how I generally go through life. The problem was, with all the new information coming in and the desire to change, it was starting to take a huge toll.
When God tells you He will not let you fail, He doesn't. When you can't stand up despite trying, He sends someone (or multiple people) to offer you a hand. Of course, when you struggle with accepting help, He just has them grab you and pull you to your feet. Then He "firmly" whispers "next time, just take their hand(s)." Ok, God. I will work on this one too.
There have been some really huge wins - great strides forward. Moments where I have broken free of things that have had me bound for years. Most definitely a call for warm fuzzies as my perceptions and vision changes. I never expected it to happen, let alone this fast. It has come with its fair share of heart ache. There is a part of myself left behind. However you want to label it, it is a part of the person I am. It has been the key to keeping me alive - even if the choices were not so healthy. I would like to think that I am just folding it nicely and putting it in the bottom of the cedar chest instead of destroying it. It is not needed anymore and it is still mine. It remains to remind me of a place I once was and how far I have come.
Today the heart ache got me here - a reminder that I am of worth. Yes, let me remind you as I remind myself, I am not only of worth, it is great and amazing worth. I once stood with charge over angels and it is in my future to do so again. People used to look at me, as if looking at my soul and say "who are you?" because they saw it. I have seen it again and I have reclaimed it. My worth and value are just that...mine. No one gets to take them from me ever again.
Now, seeing that I have done great and marvelous things while dragging myself along rock bottom, just wait until I am at 100% again - I will move mountains!
Seriously, crack I tell ya. Crack.