Fear no more
Oh what a sight it would be for the person walking in front of my office door right now. I've got my headphones on, music cranked, and am lip syncing to Pink, Carrie Underwood, and Adele. It makes sense, I mean why would the Kelly Clarkson Pandora channel actually play Kelly Clarkson? And thus is the productivity of my day. I'm attributing it to my mind racing, 4 hours of sleep last night and abstinence from caffeine for a year and a half. Love me or leave me.
At like 10 last night (or possibly later) I got this "need" to find an answer to something that has been bothering me. Although I thought I knew the answer, I was not going to be satisfied until I found it for sure or located enough information to form a stronger hypothosis. I really need to get these urges much earlier in the evenings. I found myself going through email communication with an individual that went back for about 5 years. I would read and re-read. I was looking for a pattern. I would manage to identify something and of course it was not the piece of information I was looking for, so I would read them again. Throw in some moments where I would read then sit there pondering and reflecting on things and midnight came quickly. Read more. Then 1 am rolled around...then 2. When you can't keep your eyes open, it is a good reason to finally quit and go to bed.
I am not sure I found my answer. I am not sure that it is there to find. I came to some conclusions and that might be the closest I am going to get with it. As with most things, I have probably made it into something much bigger than it really is. I may have to let time and pondering work this one out. In the meantime, I found enough extra to keep my mind churning for a while. Nothing like a little nitro for a mind that already works overtime.
Although my overclocking mind is not doing well as far as writing this with some fluidity, it is great for content topics. While out for lunch (to which I went down to the church parking lot and tried to take a quick nap) I got to thinking about how I am doing with the continued "feeling of emotions." Let's face it, I am not dead or severely injured so there has to be success in here somewhere. It has been scary, an evolving and changing fear. Through this, there has been fear of the emotions themselves, fear of the feelings that could/would accompany the emotions, fear of being unsure of how to react to it all, fear of reacting in an unhealthy way, and even fear of reacting in a healthy way. There is a lot of energy being burnt by all this fear.
I had this thought while driving - what if, instead of starting and living each day afraid of what might come down the emotion and feeling pipeline, I just take it as it comes. Look at it not as a scary unknown but as an adventure. What if, instead of seeing the experience as something negative and fearful, just meeting it head on and accepting the challenge? Why can't I do this? Is it a requirement that I have to still be afraid? I think I am over this being afraid and scared stuff. Yes, I do believe I am. I think this is my decision. This is my choice, today. This is my choice, now. And, luckily, if it is not the right choice, God has placed enough of his angels around me right now who will be able to call me out on it and steer me in the right direction.
I'm good at challenges and adventures. Well, I used to be really good at them. I lost that confidence along the way. Whether I gave it up or it got taken from me or a bit a both, I am not fully sure, but it got lost - at the very least severely diminished. Recently, it seems I keep finding these little pieces of myself and picking them back up. What may have been broken or defective in the past is no more. Now, I am just remodeling - and this place is going to look amazing when it is finished. It would seem that it is already looking good.
There is plenty of work to be done and the good thing is that it doesn't have to all be done right now.
Today, though, I made some extra room.
At like 10 last night (or possibly later) I got this "need" to find an answer to something that has been bothering me. Although I thought I knew the answer, I was not going to be satisfied until I found it for sure or located enough information to form a stronger hypothosis. I really need to get these urges much earlier in the evenings. I found myself going through email communication with an individual that went back for about 5 years. I would read and re-read. I was looking for a pattern. I would manage to identify something and of course it was not the piece of information I was looking for, so I would read them again. Throw in some moments where I would read then sit there pondering and reflecting on things and midnight came quickly. Read more. Then 1 am rolled around...then 2. When you can't keep your eyes open, it is a good reason to finally quit and go to bed.
I am not sure I found my answer. I am not sure that it is there to find. I came to some conclusions and that might be the closest I am going to get with it. As with most things, I have probably made it into something much bigger than it really is. I may have to let time and pondering work this one out. In the meantime, I found enough extra to keep my mind churning for a while. Nothing like a little nitro for a mind that already works overtime.
Although my overclocking mind is not doing well as far as writing this with some fluidity, it is great for content topics. While out for lunch (to which I went down to the church parking lot and tried to take a quick nap) I got to thinking about how I am doing with the continued "feeling of emotions." Let's face it, I am not dead or severely injured so there has to be success in here somewhere. It has been scary, an evolving and changing fear. Through this, there has been fear of the emotions themselves, fear of the feelings that could/would accompany the emotions, fear of being unsure of how to react to it all, fear of reacting in an unhealthy way, and even fear of reacting in a healthy way. There is a lot of energy being burnt by all this fear.
I had this thought while driving - what if, instead of starting and living each day afraid of what might come down the emotion and feeling pipeline, I just take it as it comes. Look at it not as a scary unknown but as an adventure. What if, instead of seeing the experience as something negative and fearful, just meeting it head on and accepting the challenge? Why can't I do this? Is it a requirement that I have to still be afraid? I think I am over this being afraid and scared stuff. Yes, I do believe I am. I think this is my decision. This is my choice, today. This is my choice, now. And, luckily, if it is not the right choice, God has placed enough of his angels around me right now who will be able to call me out on it and steer me in the right direction.
I'm good at challenges and adventures. Well, I used to be really good at them. I lost that confidence along the way. Whether I gave it up or it got taken from me or a bit a both, I am not fully sure, but it got lost - at the very least severely diminished. Recently, it seems I keep finding these little pieces of myself and picking them back up. What may have been broken or defective in the past is no more. Now, I am just remodeling - and this place is going to look amazing when it is finished. It would seem that it is already looking good.
There is plenty of work to be done and the good thing is that it doesn't have to all be done right now.
Today, though, I made some extra room.