Breathe

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Lisa and I would have discussions and a clinical term would come up and at times she would note how she didn't really care for the word though that was what it was called. Luckily her explanation made the word not so scary or clinical.

The clinical word I hate the most? Mental illness. I hate hearing it, I hate saying it, and most of all I hate being it. Yes, it is one of those days.  The kind where you look in the mirror and just shake your head. The ones where you stand in the shower long past bathing until the hot water is gone, hoping it will just wash whatever it is, away. Something is off, something is not right.

I am SO emotional. I really do feel like I am going to just break down at any given moment. No, I'm not really exaggerating that either. It is like every 5th breath or so is trying to be followed by tears. It's been slowly building up for the past few days. Of course I keep trying to fight it and at the same time I keep telling myself just to go for it. Then I remember, oh crap, I'm at work, not the place to breakdown. I guess it would be ok, not like people here don't know what I have been working through.

My door is only slightly open. This totally freaks people out when I do this. I have no clue why. Generally my door is wide open and I greet everyone who walks by (my desk sits so I can see out the door). I'm a usual stop for anyone coming down the hall. I guess they are thrown off when the door is not open. If I don't have my door wide open, I usually have my headphones in as well. It is generally because I am trying to escape reality. So, what do people do? They stick their heads in and keep asking "why is your door shut?" This is fine unless I am deep in thought and look up to see a random head sticking through. Hey, people, try knocking first - oh wait, I wouldn't hear you, would I. It does make people uncomfortable when my door is not open. Go figure, crazy things of the world.

Breath #5....fight the tears, fight the tears. My poor heart feels like it is pounding out of my chest. Ah, panic attack working its way up the scale. Lovely, don't even get to hit anxiety attack first. You know it is panic over anxiety because it is difficult to speak. It is like there is not enough air to get words out. It is like breathing through a coffee stirrer. Why am I even here? I could have skipped coming in today. Oh yah, opposite action. No running away allowed.

C'mon Blewy, breathe. Close your eyes for a moment and just breathe. You can do this. Put your head in your hands and just feel your breath....in....hold it a second....out. With each exhale, let your jaw loosen a little more before your teeth fuse together. I know, it feels hard to do, that is because your mind and body are fighting each other. Relax and focus. Focus on a thought, an image, an object, just focus. Pull everything to one point. You can do this. Just keep breathing.

You are ok. You are going to make it. You are safe. This is only a moment. I know, there have been too many of them the past few days. You made it through them, you will make it through this one too. Again, you are stronger than you think. Quit being frightened by your thoughts. That is all they are, thoughts.

Close your eyes again. Imagine the ocean. See the waves? They come in and out almost rhythmically. Focus on them, breathe with them. Don't fight it, just breathe. Keep going back to what you know...breathe. It is ok if it doesn't go completely away, you are just trying to calm it down. One step at a time. You have to be the one in charge here. The only one who saves you at this moment is yourself, only if you choose so.

Take control. Close your eyes, take control, and just breathe.

Breathe.

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