Ebbs and flows

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Day two. It is kind of how I feel, like life has started all over again. Whether one calls it a new chapter or any of the such phrases, it just is different. I looked in the mirror today and thought, "who are you?" then just stared for a bit.

The emotional wave continues today. I let myself have a little slack and didn't get up until nearly 11. Tess and I made 6 am bathroom trips, so no accidents prevailed from either of us. I struggle with the "just want to hide" and the "have to keep moving" desires. I have to keep moving, stay busy. I feel like if I stop, the wave is going to overtake me. Seeing that I have no clue if that means getting hit with a pillow or a brick, I try to stay a step ahead, keep it at arms distance.

Still so many questions, most which I know have no answer, and yet they still exist. Why? How? So many questions. Even if there are answers, I do not think they would ever justify things. Among them all, sitting quietly and printed small at the bottom of the list, "Why me?"

There is a new though among the many, "If you just didn't feel the need to belong so much, this wouldn't have happened." Is there truth in that? What is up with that wanting to belong anyways? As I ponder on it, I realize that the desire over my life made me simply one thing - a doormat. I took a lot of negative to just have that small positive. I learned a long time ago (whether it be true or not) that I don't belong. I don't fit in. I am not a "part of" anything. There is good and positive in that - all hail individuality and uniqueness. There is loneliness and sorrow in it too - all hail the outcast. I don't fit in where I feel I can and I can't fit in where I feel I do.

Add it to the emotional tidal wave. Seems the dark side is trying to make its statement known in all this now. A collection of "if/then" statements trying to point blame back around to me. Guilt for standing up and trying to taking some control of things. Sit down, shut up, it keeps telling me. Don't go stirring the bucket. If you've owned it this long, then keep it. This afternoon is about confusion, building and building. It entices me with "what are you going to do to shut me up" and I sit, a little frozen by the first options that come to mind. It knows I won't go that route and it plays on it.

Yes, there is air today, yet it is thick and hard to move in and out of my lungs. I keep breathing though, no matter the strength it takes. If I can do nothing else, make no other choices or decisions, I can keep breathing. That is a good thing to keep doing.

It is all just part of the ride. Remember this Blewy, ebbs and flows. The light trumps the dark, you will get through this one too, just ride it out.

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