The day after
I fell asleep a bit before 2 this afternoon. I woke up after 5:30 and my first thought was "I do not want to get up, I do not want to deal with life, I want to roll over and stay asleep." Of course that is the big flashing red warning light for "get up! get up! get up" and therefore I scooted to the end of the bed, took a deep breath, looked at Tess, and got up.
Was at work this morning, yet did not get much accomplished. I spent time on the web searching "emotions after being abused" and variations of the like. There was a lot about the "day after" an abuse incident, yet I was trying to find something more along the lines of emotions once you realize the reality of what happened. If I have realized anything in the past 24 hours, it is that there is a big emotional difference between "this happened to me and I probably asked for it and it most likely was my fault" and "this happened to me and they knew what they were doing and I was abused." And, for the record, the latter of the two incites a whole load of emotions, at once, and in great intensity. I keep telling myself to hang in there, Friday will be here soon.
Yesterday, I was pissed. I would just shake my head in disbelief. Once I figured it out, that I had been used and taken advantage of, it became a whole different view of things. Then, to realize that those who could have stopped it, chose not to, left me just pissed off. It wasn't feeling dirty and disgusting anymore, it was feeling like a thrown out piece of trash, and I think I had every right to feel that way. You know what, fuck you all, I am worth more than a piece of trash.
The afternoon and evening were interesting. Every time I thought about things I was just in awe. How could someone do such a thing? How could someone know and let it happen? Why would someone let it happen? What the hell was wrong with these people? I cannot even try to "put myself in their shoes" because I can't even understand, let alone comprehend it. I still can't.
I made the reference several times that I felt like I was watching a play, sitting the audience seeing this all unfold and seeing all the players and realizing just how wrong and messed up it was. A whole new vantage point. Yes, I was one of the characters, and I understood that, yet I don't think what that meant hit me until today.
I woke up today and the first thought was "someone hurt me and they hurt me bad." When you add in that they knew exactly what they were doing, it makes it even worse. Yes, realizing this was not my fault is a great and wonderful thing, yet then realizing the truth of what really happened is pretty overwhelming. It is my guess that these are the feelings and emotions I should have gone through 20+ years ago and the fact they have been buried for so long only makes them stronger. It is everything I have to sit and write this, yet I have to get it out, at least some of it. That is why I was searching online today. I was hoping that there was something to the effect of "these are the emotions you might experience" yet I didn't really find what I was looking for. What seemed like just a bad dream for so long is now very much reality and that reality is a lot to process.
All day today I have just wanted to make the thoughts slow down and stop. I have wanted to emotions to calm down and dissipate some. I have wanted the reality of it all to fade some. With those desires has come the options on how to make it happen. A whole list of choices to get the effect I want, a whole list of unhealthy choices. I chose none of them. You see, if I chose them now, even though I get the effect I want, it only gives the abusers (yah, they all get some blame in this) some level of gratification. If I give in, then they win once again. Seeing they have been winning for 20+ years, it is time I quit handing them the game.
I'm struggling, and I know I am going to. I imagine it will get harder before it gets better. I know, it is ok to struggle, it is what I choose to do with that struggle that is the key. It is just so many emotions and feelings at once, like a tidal wave hitting. It feels like I can't figure them out because there are so many and they keep coming. I imagine there are plenty more emotions waiting in the wings to come along. Oh how I wish someone could just come put their arms around me and hold me as tight as they could, letting me just try to explain what I am thinking and feeling. Just listening and reminding me it is all going to be ok. Sure sounds good on paper. I don't want to feel all of this alone, and yet it is not possible for that to be. I guess I am only alone if I chose to feel that I am alone. Just because no one is physically with me, does not mean I am alone.
It is ok, eventually the scariness will stop, I will be able to catch my breath, I won't feel sick at my stomach. I will heal. For now, I will go in a bit and soak in a hot bath, put on some comfy pajamas, crawl up in bed, curl up in my comforter, snuggle with Tess, and call it as close as I am going to get. I will ask Heavenly Father to either let me cry or let me fall asleep, yet please don't let me lie there and be hit by the waves with no recourse to get through them.
As for the being pissed, I am just pretty much disgusted with them now. I feel like I have been the brunt of someone's sick joke and everyone has moved on like nothing ever happened. As they all revel in their conquest, I have been the one who has paid the price. I feel used and betrayed. I think about some of the choices in my life that were made because of the effects of this that may have been different. I think of all the years of hate that could have been non-existent or a lot less intense. I think of all the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that have been tied to feeling this was all my fault, all the damage I have done to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually through the years.
I can't change all that, it is what it is. It makes me sad and I am sure, in time, I will be able to mourn that and let it go. I am sure I will only continue to realize things. I found myself thinking after yesterday that I am not even sure who I really am at this point. Patience Blewy, one moment at a time.
There is a small light in all of this. As my sister got older I feared the same happening to her, especially when I left on my mission. I couldn't tell her what happened yet I wanted to protect her. I simply told her to do all she could to never ever be alone with him, to always make sure someone else was around in view. Even though she was 13, she understood what I was saying.
While talking to her tonight on the phone, I told her I had a question and that I hoped that she would honestly answer me, yet she had the choice not to answer. I simply asked if he had ever tried anything with her. She replied that he had not. I cannot tell you the relief in my heart that came from that reply. Dealing with this happening to me is one level, if it had happened to her too, I am not sure how I would have reacted.
It is going to be ok. I am ok. My feelings, thoughts, and emotions, although scary, cannot hurt me. I have the strength to make healthy choices. I have the power not to hurt or do damage to myself. I choose me, and as tough as that may be, I know I can do it. I have survived this physically, I will survive this emotionally, and then I can survive it spiritually.
Was at work this morning, yet did not get much accomplished. I spent time on the web searching "emotions after being abused" and variations of the like. There was a lot about the "day after" an abuse incident, yet I was trying to find something more along the lines of emotions once you realize the reality of what happened. If I have realized anything in the past 24 hours, it is that there is a big emotional difference between "this happened to me and I probably asked for it and it most likely was my fault" and "this happened to me and they knew what they were doing and I was abused." And, for the record, the latter of the two incites a whole load of emotions, at once, and in great intensity. I keep telling myself to hang in there, Friday will be here soon.
Yesterday, I was pissed. I would just shake my head in disbelief. Once I figured it out, that I had been used and taken advantage of, it became a whole different view of things. Then, to realize that those who could have stopped it, chose not to, left me just pissed off. It wasn't feeling dirty and disgusting anymore, it was feeling like a thrown out piece of trash, and I think I had every right to feel that way. You know what, fuck you all, I am worth more than a piece of trash.
The afternoon and evening were interesting. Every time I thought about things I was just in awe. How could someone do such a thing? How could someone know and let it happen? Why would someone let it happen? What the hell was wrong with these people? I cannot even try to "put myself in their shoes" because I can't even understand, let alone comprehend it. I still can't.
I made the reference several times that I felt like I was watching a play, sitting the audience seeing this all unfold and seeing all the players and realizing just how wrong and messed up it was. A whole new vantage point. Yes, I was one of the characters, and I understood that, yet I don't think what that meant hit me until today.
I woke up today and the first thought was "someone hurt me and they hurt me bad." When you add in that they knew exactly what they were doing, it makes it even worse. Yes, realizing this was not my fault is a great and wonderful thing, yet then realizing the truth of what really happened is pretty overwhelming. It is my guess that these are the feelings and emotions I should have gone through 20+ years ago and the fact they have been buried for so long only makes them stronger. It is everything I have to sit and write this, yet I have to get it out, at least some of it. That is why I was searching online today. I was hoping that there was something to the effect of "these are the emotions you might experience" yet I didn't really find what I was looking for. What seemed like just a bad dream for so long is now very much reality and that reality is a lot to process.
All day today I have just wanted to make the thoughts slow down and stop. I have wanted to emotions to calm down and dissipate some. I have wanted the reality of it all to fade some. With those desires has come the options on how to make it happen. A whole list of choices to get the effect I want, a whole list of unhealthy choices. I chose none of them. You see, if I chose them now, even though I get the effect I want, it only gives the abusers (yah, they all get some blame in this) some level of gratification. If I give in, then they win once again. Seeing they have been winning for 20+ years, it is time I quit handing them the game.
I'm struggling, and I know I am going to. I imagine it will get harder before it gets better. I know, it is ok to struggle, it is what I choose to do with that struggle that is the key. It is just so many emotions and feelings at once, like a tidal wave hitting. It feels like I can't figure them out because there are so many and they keep coming. I imagine there are plenty more emotions waiting in the wings to come along. Oh how I wish someone could just come put their arms around me and hold me as tight as they could, letting me just try to explain what I am thinking and feeling. Just listening and reminding me it is all going to be ok. Sure sounds good on paper. I don't want to feel all of this alone, and yet it is not possible for that to be. I guess I am only alone if I chose to feel that I am alone. Just because no one is physically with me, does not mean I am alone.
It is ok, eventually the scariness will stop, I will be able to catch my breath, I won't feel sick at my stomach. I will heal. For now, I will go in a bit and soak in a hot bath, put on some comfy pajamas, crawl up in bed, curl up in my comforter, snuggle with Tess, and call it as close as I am going to get. I will ask Heavenly Father to either let me cry or let me fall asleep, yet please don't let me lie there and be hit by the waves with no recourse to get through them.
As for the being pissed, I am just pretty much disgusted with them now. I feel like I have been the brunt of someone's sick joke and everyone has moved on like nothing ever happened. As they all revel in their conquest, I have been the one who has paid the price. I feel used and betrayed. I think about some of the choices in my life that were made because of the effects of this that may have been different. I think of all the years of hate that could have been non-existent or a lot less intense. I think of all the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that have been tied to feeling this was all my fault, all the damage I have done to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually through the years.
I can't change all that, it is what it is. It makes me sad and I am sure, in time, I will be able to mourn that and let it go. I am sure I will only continue to realize things. I found myself thinking after yesterday that I am not even sure who I really am at this point. Patience Blewy, one moment at a time.
There is a small light in all of this. As my sister got older I feared the same happening to her, especially when I left on my mission. I couldn't tell her what happened yet I wanted to protect her. I simply told her to do all she could to never ever be alone with him, to always make sure someone else was around in view. Even though she was 13, she understood what I was saying.
While talking to her tonight on the phone, I told her I had a question and that I hoped that she would honestly answer me, yet she had the choice not to answer. I simply asked if he had ever tried anything with her. She replied that he had not. I cannot tell you the relief in my heart that came from that reply. Dealing with this happening to me is one level, if it had happened to her too, I am not sure how I would have reacted.
It is going to be ok. I am ok. My feelings, thoughts, and emotions, although scary, cannot hurt me. I have the strength to make healthy choices. I have the power not to hurt or do damage to myself. I choose me, and as tough as that may be, I know I can do it. I have survived this physically, I will survive this emotionally, and then I can survive it spiritually.