Not today
Here I sit in the middle of my front lawn. Yes, you read that correctly, I am sitting out in the grass in my front yard. Tess keeps looking at me like I'm a freak. I think I have completely confused her. Who knows what the people driving by think. I really don't care.
Tami told me a couple sessions back that when things started building up emotionally, try sitting outside on the ground. So here I am,the sun against my back, my body in the grass. Although I will probably be chigger food and my allergies will all but hate me, I am here. I am here at this moment, sitting, experiencing, writing, distracting. Oh and the occasional shout out to Tess, "quit eating the weeds."
It's been an alright day. I have managed it well. The continued goals of healthy and safe staying in the forefront even with some anxiety and feeling unsure of myself. I have done well, almost yippee worthy.
It hit a few hours or so ago. Its more than a thought, almost an urge or desire to act. There it was in my mind, "I need to hurt." It stops me in my tracks when it happens. I took a deep breath, a few actually, then told myself out loud, "not today."
I took a hot bath with some coconut body wash creating a tub of bubbles. I slid down as far as I could and closed my eyes and tried to relax. Focus on the warmth of the water, the smell of the coconut (which is one of my favorite smells), just relax and let my mind relax. As the water cooled, the bubbles dispersed, and I turned into a prune, it was time to change activities.
The urge had calmed, the thought still remained. I wondered for a moment why I felt I wanted/needed to hurt myself. There wasn't much of an answer other than I was desiring to feel. I was numb and wanted to feel, hurting myself could fulfill that. Again I repeated to myself, not today.
I've worked on the computer for a while yet needed a break from it. Decided what the heck, go sit in the grass. Sit under the sun, and enjoy being outside and a part of it. Seeing how today started, it could only benefit me.
Tess has abandoned me. Apparently she is not up for practicing mindfulness in nature tonight. I sit here and watch various small flying things jump from blade to blade of grass. I occasionally flick one off me. I look at my legs stretched out in the grass. My cuts are healing, almost gone. One might scar, yet not too bad.
I reach around and scratch my neck. Oh yah, recent hair cut means bare neck....must stay thoughtful of that. Only takes a little sun to fry my fair skin. My skin still smells like coconut, it brings a smile to my face.
Tess has returned to inquire of me. I know, still lots to do tonight. Cannot sit here all night. I give her some kisses, she gives me the "I want a treat" stare. One might say that's my cue to get back to life. Don't know what thoughts and urges may come up, there is still a lot of the day left. I know one thing, as for acting on hurting myself....not today.
It's been an alright day. I have managed it well. The continued goals of healthy and safe staying in the forefront even with some anxiety and feeling unsure of myself. I have done well, almost yippee worthy.
It hit a few hours or so ago. Its more than a thought, almost an urge or desire to act. There it was in my mind, "I need to hurt." It stops me in my tracks when it happens. I took a deep breath, a few actually, then told myself out loud, "not today."
I took a hot bath with some coconut body wash creating a tub of bubbles. I slid down as far as I could and closed my eyes and tried to relax. Focus on the warmth of the water, the smell of the coconut (which is one of my favorite smells), just relax and let my mind relax. As the water cooled, the bubbles dispersed, and I turned into a prune, it was time to change activities.
The urge had calmed, the thought still remained. I wondered for a moment why I felt I wanted/needed to hurt myself. There wasn't much of an answer other than I was desiring to feel. I was numb and wanted to feel, hurting myself could fulfill that. Again I repeated to myself, not today.
Tess has abandoned me. Apparently she is not up for practicing mindfulness in nature tonight. I sit here and watch various small flying things jump from blade to blade of grass. I occasionally flick one off me. I look at my legs stretched out in the grass. My cuts are healing, almost gone. One might scar, yet not too bad.
I reach around and scratch my neck. Oh yah, recent hair cut means bare neck....must stay thoughtful of that. Only takes a little sun to fry my fair skin. My skin still smells like coconut, it brings a smile to my face.
Tess has returned to inquire of me. I know, still lots to do tonight. Cannot sit here all night. I give her some kisses, she gives me the "I want a treat" stare. One might say that's my cue to get back to life. Don't know what thoughts and urges may come up, there is still a lot of the day left. I know one thing, as for acting on hurting myself....not today.