A little time away

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I have been gone a while. I couldn't do it, I couldn't muster up the will to write. The thoughts have been there yet when I stopped to write it was simply a thought of, "not this time" and so I would walk away.

I think a part of or has been that I just did not want to deal with thoughts on this level. It's been an interesting week with plenty of ups and downs. Living it live was enough, reliving it on paper was not a desire. I made though, somehow I made it.

I almost lost my pins this week. I asked...well, kind of, for help. A first for me in regards to this type of behaviour.

Chris and I talked about what was different this time. I said that as much as I wanted to hurt myself, there was a part of me that did not want to. The more I thought about it, I will say that a large part of me did not want to.

I wasn't sure what else to do though. The "hurt" had been building and I already had the "this is not going to end well" confirmation. I am not sure I have consciously had a "I really don't want to this" thought before. I just accept that I am at that point and there's no other direction to go...no matter what the consequences are.

So what did I learn? As flipping scary as it is, I can ask for help. People really will help me. Hurting myself is not the only option I have. I am stronger than the desire to self-harm. Now, if I can just remember this before I am teetering on the point of no return.

No pins came off the shoe. Today completes 34. A friend texted me earlier today to ask how many days. She then told me that after 35, it's a piece of cake :) I totally chuckled and sent the "#35forlife" reply.

And so it is. Tomorrow is a new day, new week, new start. And I am around to give it a shot.

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